Yucka.
It's day one at the new office. I hate being the new person, especially in a job I've been doing for a year now and especially in a job a despise.

I spent most of the weekend camped out in our new recliner with my feet up. I felt like crap and was exhausted. It probably did me some good to drag my ass out for work today.

So I'm in this new office. When I walked in everyone started clapping. Apparently whenever ANYONE walks in everyone claps. If you go to lunch and come back: CLAP!
I hate lame office stuff like that. I found out today I have an interview for the position I applied for at our Burnsville Service Center Location. The most appealing thing about that job: no driving around looking at cars or dealing with body shops!!!

Justin and I have been talking and I think I'm going to move forward on applying for some part-time jobs close to home for the last few months of the pregnancy. Right now we are doubly insured medically through both of our employers and while it would be nice to have dual income for the next few months, it is not a necessity. So I was scoping out the Shakopee paper online this morning and there are a bunch of easy part-time/$12 hr jobs that I would be ecstatic to do until baby drops. I'm frazzled and would like to be able to spend some time actually enjoying my pregnancy!

Cross your fingers!

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I was up early this morning deflating the air mattress and loading the last few things into my truck. This was our first home as husband and wife. Our baby was concieved here and there are so many memories associated with each room in the house.

When I got to the office this morning we were hit with hail claims in our territory. Apparently last night around 7pm golf ball size hail went through Mentor/Red Lake Falls. I used to love summer weather and storms. After working in insurance I dread the high pitched beeps on television and radio notifying people of pending warnings/watches. I dread rain and thunder and most of all HAIL. To most people hail the equivalent of winning the lottery. Money without your rates increasing!

Anyway, I got another baby gift this morning from Tara at work and a little going away gift. I'll be back next weekend for her wedding. I think that's part of the reason why I feel somewhat unphased by the fact that this is my last day here. I have agreed to work out of our Eagan branch for now and once the baby is born we'll see what happens. Only 3 months to go---90 days! Baby has been very active today and I feel appreciative for it. With work and packing and cleaning and dinners this week I've been feeling a little lonely. It is nice to feel close in the midst of chaos.

After work today I make the long/hot drive to Shakopee. I imagine this weekend will be pretty mellow with the heat and all. The farmer's market is my main goal.
Having this baby growing inside me is catching up with me today. I'm feeling really rundown and almost hungover. It's a good reason to lay around and keep cool.

If anyone actually reads this anymore--keep cool and hydrated.

I am taking a break from packing up my desk and finishing up some of my claims and have no idea how I feel about all of this change.

Crap, more work. Will update later maybe.

Another Friday Post

I had my last OB appointment with my doc in Bemidji today. Kinda sad. He and his nurse were amazing and I would have loved to delivered with them. I meet doc #2 on August 11th.

I'm now ending my 6th month of pregnancy and am still feeling wonderfully! I had been losing a few pounds each month, totalling about 17#, but then this month gained 5. The doctor said he was starting to worry and then I started to freak a little. So, I'm glad to see the number rise just enough to shut him up. It's strange eating while pregnant because every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth I imagine if the baby were sitting next to me at the table and placing the food in the baby's mouth. Ridiculous, I know.

Today's appointment went very well--got to have an ultrasound and verify baby has 2 arms and 2 legs and is growing right on schedule! The little tyke wouldn't position itself so we could see if it was a boy or girl. Ah well, it's healthy and that's all that matters. Maddy/Mason will make her/his arrival when they are ready.

Unfortunately, my ultrasound revealed a cyst on my ovary a bit larger than a golf ball. There is nothing that can be done while I'm pregnant so we'll deal with that in a few months.

Two more weeks left in the Bemidji office and then I depart to live with my husband again! Speaking of the sexy man--he is in town and ready to take me home and ravish my pregnant body!

Keep cool ya'll!

I am so glad it is Friday. I get to spend the weekend with my husband in Wadena. He is enjoying is job at the National Arbitration Forum and I am so proud of him!

We had big drama with the apartment we thought we wanted in St. Louis Park and now are going to be living in Shakopee which changes things as far as my job goes--kind of. We had our deposit down and everything was fine and dandy until we found out they changed their mind about pro-rating the rent for 1/2 mth of June AND would not give Justin a single key until we could both be there to sign the lease. All of this after we confirmed 42,000 times that I would not be down there for a few weeks/months and that they would indeed pro-rate the month of June--otherwise Justin was going to wait until July 1 to move in. It was impossible for me to get there to sign any papers of any kind. Long story even longer, we are out $400 deposit and moving to Shakopee July 1.

I'm relieved somewhat because I lived in Shakopee several years ago after high school and before college and loved it--small town feel but so close to the luxury of the city. My uncle lives there as well and it will be so nice to be close to help him out with his kids, especially Ryan once he starts his 2nd round of chemotherapy in a few weeks.

The downfall is that I found out today there is another position in Roseville that is basically mine if I want it (I didn't get the casualty rep position). It's a shitty commute that I would only consider if it was a job I absolutely loved--even then I might hesitate. I in no way love or even like my current job and don't think it's worthy of a drive like that. I suppose I could suck it up until baby is born but realllly don't want to. Husband is half-understanding of it but is afraid nothing else would be available for me closer to Shakopee. If we were staying in Bemidji I would agree fully, but we are going to the other end of the earth basically.

I just want to have a normal life someday soon! Preferrably one that does not include cars, body shops, or injured people.

Missouri=Misery

I was able to return from CAT duty a week early and am thrilled to be back in Minnesota. My flight came in around 9pm on Saturday and seeing the Minneapolis skyline has never made me happier.

Returning to the office here after only 1 day off didn't bother me so much. Even though it was extremely busy today I am ecstatic to do what I'm good at in an area where I excel and people encourage my growth and development. How much I've taken that for granted!

I have my phone interview tomorrow afternoon for the casualty rep position in Roseville and am a little nervous. I don't have a real passion to get this position--it's more of a means to an end I guess. Justin signed papers last week on our apartment in St. Louis Park and our house here isn't familiar any longer. We have 90% of our belongings packed up and in the garage awaiting U-haul day.

The next couple months I will probably be still working in the Bemidji office and living in our current house--courtesy Progressive Insurance. I'm glad that I can be here to assist during our busiest time and make the transition easier for everyone.

This time away made me appreciate my job, my life, MY HUSBAND! He came through for me when I needed him the most and I can't explain the new light I'm seeing him in. I'm very pleased and proud to be his wife! He is going to be the greatest daddy ever and sharing the blessing of our pending arrival has me glowing (finally!).

I'm starting to show and have reached 5 months and all is well. I have my next doctor's appt next Wednesday and look forward to hearing that heart beat again. I am so unworthy of all of these wonderful things and people in my life. Why does it take a week of hell in a different state to make me realize such a thing? Whatever the answer is, I'm glad all the same.

Wacky! Crazy!

My head is spinning from so much activity.

Justin accepted a job offer from the National Arbitration Forum in St. Louis Park and starts June 12! Congrats bear! I was supposed to have an interview for the casualty representative position in Roseville next week but was informed yesterday that I am being deployed for CAT duty in Jefferson City, MO. Blah.
I was supposed to fly out today (less than 24 hour notice), but because of the holiday was told to fly out on Monday instead & report early Tuesday morning. I got the last seat on the last flight out of Bemidji on Monday and won't get into St. Louis until late and then have to drive a little over 2 hrs to Jefferson City.

On the sunny side: I get paid lots of extra money for the next 2 weeks and have a little change of scenery from the same old stuff up North.

Today my manager offered to pay my rent for the next few months for me to keep working here until I find something in the twin cities with the company or elsewhere. It's a great compliment and a nice offer because of the little one fast growing inside me. The longer I can keep making money and have my insurance--the better.

It will be nice to be closer to friends and other places and activities we enjoy. Bemidji has been good to us for the most part and is always changing and growing, but is a difficult place to be starting careers and a family.

Goal #1: Find a place to live!

If anyone has any ideas/suggestions, please let me know!

Husband completed defending his thesis and walked through commencement on Friday afternoon. The weather was shitty and I was stuck entertaining both of our families in our home. I'm proud of him.

He is in Minneapolis tonight preparing for 2 job interviews down there tomorrow. I'm nervous/excited for him. I get a bit scared thinking about all of the change this would bring about: new home, hopeful job transfer for me (at least until the baby is born for insurance reasons), finding a new ob/gyn--this is what is pretty terrifying to me actually. I love my doctor and was bummed that the clinic she is at does not handle prenatal care, so I was referred to an ob/gyn. I was all freaked out and now couldn't be happier with the relationship I've developed with him and his nurse. Can I possibly be that lucky again?

I received my very first mother's day card this year! My mom made me cry by surprising me with it on Friday night. I am so glad to have her. Husband's family was also here from Kansas for his graduation. That may be for another post on some secret blog that husband won't know about. haha. I always feel like crap about myself after being around them. They take Justin shopping and buy him anything he glances at, take him for a haircut and pay for it, give him money and tell him over and over how wonderful he is and how proud they are of him. Those are fine things I suppose, but then I barely get a nod and a second glance the entire time they are here. I busted my ass getting everything ready for Justin's graduation party and worked all f'ing week besides (overtime so I could have Friday off for graduation) without any help from Justin or any of his family. I'm also carrying their friggen grandchild and have basically raised their son because they didn't teach him a fucking thing about real life and being a damn grown up!

Why the hell do I care what they think about me? Why do I care that they treat me like such shit? I feel like a nasty slave that their son brought home and they are disappointed. Justin always treats me differently when they are around as well and so the effect carries on for a few days even after they leave.

Justin's dad died when he was a little boy and whenever I'm feeling shitty around his parents I can't help but wonder what things would be like if he were still alive and the "step dad" weren't around. I've heard how wonderful his dad was and how everybody loved him. Crazy how his mom could go from one extreme to the other.

It's been a bit of a lonely day here and I'm plagued by bitterness--that's nothing new, eh?

I'm ready to be done being the one who carries our household. There is so much pressure in that role, especially when a baby is on the way. Why doesn't anyone else understand that? If they do understand, why don't they help me try to do something about it?

Nearing the end of my twenty-something era I feel very strange. Tomorrow is my 29th birthday and it's mind-boggling for me to think that when I turn 30 I'll be a mom. Me? A mom?? What are we thinking? I'm about to to begin my 2nd trimester of pregnancy and so far haven't been "glowing" or felt any surge of joy or anything remotely close. I feel scared and a little mad at myself for thinking this could be the "right time" for us to move forward with starting a family.

Our first wedding anniversary is in about a week and a half and I feel pride at having not only survived, but mostly enjoyed the past year. Everyone always says that the first year is the worst and if you can survive that, you'll be ok. I don't know if that's any advice to live by, but it gives me hope.

I called on one of my choice teaching jobs today and was informed they are in the final selection stage and will be calling the chosen candidates for interviews and sending the rest letters. I've been getting so many letters I could cry. I have cried.

I do that quite a bit lately.

Beyond Forgiveness?

Sometimes we make poor choices in life. I never really thought that anything would qualify is "unforgivable." I used to work with young adults with developmental disabilities. From the moment I met these new friends to the moment I quit working at their house, I loved it. It was all of the bullshit that I got tired of. People in the human services field are always trying to justify their existence by pushing paper and programs and make the people who actually do the "work" feel like they are less than worthy of fair and reasonable treatment.

I tried to be part of the solution for a very long time and nothing ever changed. I gave up a lot in my life for these people and was that ever recognized? Working countless new year's eve, coming back early from my own family Christmas, filling in when everyone else would shit on me and my friends. I was always there. Why was my loyalty being challenged by some woman who walks in and thinks she knows everything? Why was I, who have known these people and lived with them for years and felt like I would give everything for them, treated like such crap? How long was I supposed to tolerate treatment like that? I wasn't the only one who went to management on multiple leves and the parent. My reasonableness was met with nothing other than a deaf ear.

Enough! It was the most difficult decision I had to make, but it was long overdue that I stood up for myself, since nobody else cared. I quit.

I felt like I abandoned my own children. I have regretted it since day one but was too stubborn and figured it was too late to do anything about it.

I recently sent an e-mail to the parent asking if she could consider forgiving me and stated that I miss the "kids" terribly.

Her response in a nutshell---I'm beyond forgiveness and it would be horrible for the kids to have contact with me.

Why do I feel like a child molester? It's quite an enormous amount of power I allowed her and I wonder what makes me think she's worthy of such a thing? I was always so desperate for her approval and again question why?

It's quite sad really. I hear things through the grapevine about the current state of their house and the people that work there and condition of the "kids" when others have seen them in public and wonder how everyone in "power" there feels things are now. I guess if you have a staff of regular drug users you are able to better control them. I would question at what expense?

Why do I automatically think that I am the one that needs to be asking for forgiveness anyway?

Sad.

I am sad today.

I walked to work today so I could have time alone and cry.

Sad.

Blah!

I feel like crap the last couple days. My boobs hurt so bad! I feel like I have babies hanging from my nipples! The extreme stress of my job only makes everything worse. I have got to find something else---NOW! I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy under this much stress and imagine after I have the baby. To be quite honest, I'm scared. So many things will be changing in the coming months and adding a baby to it all makes it 1000 times more terrifying.

Dear God, please send some good news our way soon.

Through Pregnancy & Beyond

Today is the first day in my mere 6 weeks of pregnancy that I actually felt a little "different." It was more of an emotional thing than physical. I felt a bit of what I might call a hormonal surge (?) It first happened when I was on the treadmill this morning. I was doing some interval jog/walk routine and all of a sudden I felt like crying. Of course my mind was like, "what the hell is the matter with you?" I wasn't thinking about anything in particular--actually I was dwelling on the fact that I want to stay very active throughout my pregnancy because I am mortified at the thought of gaining much weight because I'm already bigger than I should be (pregnant or not). It wasn't something I was necessarily SAD about though. I talked myself out of it and then this morning I was at work and was moderately busy on the phone and trying to wrap up some claims when it happened again. This time I know I wasn't thinking about anything specific--just doing robotic duties at the office. I felt like at any moment I would burst into tears. I just kept quiet and did my work.

I'm a great worker, but usually it's out of character for me to be so quiet and to myself where I work. We are a social group of folks here and our bitch of a manager is on vacation until March 20th, so we are free to converse (while working our asses off by the way). Well, I walked over to Rich's desk to ask a question about a claim and he says, "Hey Lillich, you're pretty stuck up over in your corner."

I got choked up and MADE myself hold it back and throw back some smart ass remark without turning around so he could see my eyes.

How PATHETIC!

I'll admit to being sensitive & emotional sometimes with certain people (husband mostly). NEVER ever to this extent. It's interesting to see what the next 8-9 months hold for me (us).

So far no cravings or morning sickness or anything like that. I've been continuing to get up every morning and exercise for at least 45 minutes (The Firm aerobics & treadmill on alternating days). I think the only thing I've noticed a changed tolerance for is garlic. I love garlic & cooking with it is one of my favorite things, but now it's quickly moving down my list of favorite smells. Yesterday I was going to have a piece of carrot cake after lunch and about 4 bites into it I felt like barfing. I hardly ever have anything with sugar, but carrot cake is one of my favorite sweets that I have maybe once every 6 months. I ended up throwing it away. Last night I tried to have some sugar free chocolate pudding and was gagging after a couple tastes of that as well.

Back to this weight business though. I'm a very health-concious individual. I have not always been that way though. I've spent the last several years doing a complete transformation and it is most certainly a lifestyle I am thrilled to continue and maintain for the rest of my existence. I still have work ahead of me to try to combat the years of not caring about my body. That's one of my regrets I suppose with the pregnancy is that I am not further ahead in my weight loss before becoming pregnant. I've been obsessively reading up on pregnancy nutrition and weight gain and also discussed with my nurse practitioner on Wednesday that I do not have to fulfill any nutritional needs right now. Of course I need to take my prenatal vitamins and other supplements but as far as increasing caloric intake--not necessary. My goal is to keep me weight gain to 15 pounds or less. Is that unrealistic? I don't think so. I've also been reading about pregnancy fitness and it appears I don't need to adjust my workouts at all, until the last month maybe. I need to be careful not to become too overheated and I'm obviously not going to go play back to back games of full court basketball, but there is no reason to change anything I've been doing!

That makes me extremely happy!

Now, if I can find a cure for sore boobies I'll be set!

I hope like hell this is my last winter in Bemidji! The other day we got totally dumped on! Husband took some photos of the aftermath. How many days until Spring arrives?

The other day after I had worked out, I was bored & wondered what I looked like if someone were "looking down" on me (yeah, don't ask why). It's easy enough to answer that question with a camera! I'm not a sick pervert or anything, just love to experiment with the camera and stuff! Deal with it.

So, BIG news. I took a couple home pregnancy tests this weekend and they were positive for baby in my belly! I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner yesterday & confirmed that indeed there is a little peanut growing inside of me and sometime late October/early November I will be dropping a human being from between my legs!

Holy Crap!

Feeling a little sneaky & playful!

Funny Story?

Last Friday I was supposed to have a facial & body mud mask thing because this "spa" was running a special deal for the last week of February. Unfortunately we got nearly a foot of snow and I had to reschedule. I don't know what I was thinking scheduling it for Monday at 6pm. Even on a GREAT day I NEVER am done at 6pm. Today was not even close to a great day. We had a shit storm of claims and I was all over the place looking at vehicles and completing in-person contacts. Of course 3 of my vehicles ended up being total losses as well. Imagine a 1990 Beretta with minimal damage--the guy was shocked that it costs more to repair it than it would to total it. ALSO ends up that I used to work with this guy back in high school! The day was just full of strange kinds of things.

Only by the grace of God was I able to shove some stuff onto tomorrow's schedule and make it to my appointment at 6:05pm.

I am led into this back room by a lady who just came in from having a cigarette and was coughing about 4.3 pints of mucus. Then she hands me a gown that I mistook for a skirt kind of thing and I walk into the treatment room wearing my satin blue bra & this wierd velcro fabric as a skirt. She started laughing and told me it was supposed to be to wrap around my top and that I was supposed to keep my pants on (?). I'm like, "uhhhh, I thought I was having a facial and a mud treatment."
"You are, but we'll just do your top today!"

oooohhh kay then!

I feel humiliated for some silly reason and go adjust my attire.

I come back and she's doing my facial and all of a sudden farts louder than all hell near my face when she was turned around to get a towel! Then I happened to have a tiny teeny red spot on my left shoulder & she started to pick at it! I swatted her hand away and was like, "I just remembered I have to be somewhere, so when you are done with the facial that will be all for today."

The remaining time there I kept thinking, "why can't I stand up to her and tell her I am not satisfied with her service or the fact that her stinky hands were on my face and smelled like ashtray?" I kept silent and even thanked her when it was all said and done!

Sometimes I think things like that are my fault--like I have some f'ed up lesson to learn. I always do that.

I have a clean face now. Was it worth $45? I'll get back to you on that.

Woooohoooo!