My Baby is 9 Months Old

I'm trying to mellow out this evening after a few long and hectic days. My in-laws are visiting from Kansas. Madeline was dedicated on Sunday at a beautiful lakeside service. It was very meaningful and we were pleased to have both sets of Madeline's grandparents and my 2 sisters there. The pastor that married Justin and I performed Maddy's dedication. It was a real reminder what a responsibility we have as Christian parents. Encouraging and protecting Madeline's identity as a child of God and helping her to become the woman He intends her to be is an amazing honor and tremendous realization that we can only do so with God's help. I'm way too human to do anything that fantastic.

Somewhat unrelated to any of that, I just read this article that made me feel a little more comfortable with my thoughts and unsettled feelings of being a woman/mother. It makes me want to get back into writing like I used to. I used to do a lot of things I don't do anymore. I supposed that's part of growing up?

The bridge collapse. I'm shocked and baffled at such a tragedy so close to home.

My mom called today and said cousin Ryan's brain cancer has returned, but spinal cancer is gone. He turns 17 years old on Friday. Not fair. Makes my moaning and groaning about identity and crap seem petty.

Justin and I took 2 of our elderly neighbor ladies to see the Michael Moore movie "Sicko" today while Justin's parents babysat Madeline. Interesting. Manipulative. Sad. Shocking. Beyond my scope of experience/comprehension.

Justin gets to go on an afternoon lake cruise with his co-workers tomorrow afternoon. I'm a little envious because most of the people in his office are our friends and my favorite people, as I used to work in the same office only a year ago. They may go out for more drinks afterwards, so it's possible I could participate in some socializing later tomorrow evening. Madeline and I are taking Ana out to lunch with Justin's parents tomorrow so they can meet her. It is her birthday today and she had didn't work. I need to "prepare" her for a few things before we go.

It's late and I should try to sleep while I can.

August 1, 2007

All of the cliche lines come to mind: "How time flies!" "Where does the time go?" yadda yadda yadda.

It has been a wacky week so far and all I want to do is go to sleep on this gloomy and rainy day.

Madeline is sitting her booster seat, throwing Cheerios on the floor, and watching Sesame Street between cries to be free from the confines of her tray. I haven't really slept in a few days. She's been teething and running a temp the last couple days and is frequently inconsolable. Work is super busy but I haven't been able to do any of it. Yesterday our nanny was taking Maddy out to meet a friend for lunch (a friend of Ana's, not Maddy's). After she put Madeline in the car she passed out and hit her head (hard) on her car door. When she came to (I think just a moment later), she managed to carry Madeline back to our home and find me. Ana was a mess and her head looked horrible. We loaded her up and went to the emergency room. It ends up she was dehydrated and because of the high heat index lately it was all too much for her. She was given a few liters of fluid and will be back here today (as far as I know).

I'd really like to hear from other mom's out there. Am I the only one struggling with identity? Have other women experienced this? It seems the only parts of me that matter are my boobs (for nursing Madeline) and my vagina (duh). I'm not sure how to explain all of this, especially with a whining baby next to me. I can never have a complete thought anymore.

Ok, Madeline, you win again.

Lillich out.

My babygirl is 7months old!

She is eating actual people food (this picture was during dinner last night) and is working on pushing her 3rd tooth through!

She is crazy and fast becoming her own person. Even though I love her, I am quite certain we are not having more kids! I don't know how people with big families do it!

Happy Father's Day!!

We just returned from a visit to Kansas for a family reunion. It was my first time meeting a lot of Justin's extended family---WOW!

We are finally settled in our new place and did interviews for a nanny and found this amazing girl. We had to let our first sitter go and are so fortunate to have found Ana. Madeline is crazy about her and I think the feeling is mutual.

Maddie is just about 7 months old and is gradually working her way up the food pyramid. She still loves to nurse so I haven't been able to really get any rest yet. One of these days I'll get a good nap in (or something).

I hope ya'll are well and I'd love to hear from you.

Happy May Day everyone.
Justin and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary yesterday by going out to dinner with the baby. We really need to find an evening babysitter now that Madeline is 2 weeks shy of her 6 month birthday. She got her first tooth last week and started rice cereal once a day. She gets a little better at that everyday--mostly it rolls around in her mouth and slides out.

I start doing some really part-time work this month--today actually but the babysitter we hired for 15 day hours a week is sick. I'm dying to feel like something other than a milk machine. I hope Maddy takes to the cereal soon and gradually works her way to veggies etc. I've been glad to give her the best advantage by breastfeeding exclusively but it is wearing on me. I can't wait until her contentment isn't my sole responsibility. When she is no longer breastfeeding and gets cranky I can walk away and let Justin deal with it like everyone has done to me for the last 6 months--always assuming she must be hungry so get her on the boob!

My parents visited this last weekend and Justin's parents will be arriving Thursday from Kansas. I'm always amazed at the things these people (BOTH of our parents) say and do with regards to baby and parenting.

It's 3:30 pm and time to grab cranky babe and go check the mail. What an exciting life we lead!

I turned 30 years old today.
For some reason I imagined it would be a more exciting event. I suppose once you are a mother--more specifically a breastfeeding mother, things don't get all that out of the ordinary, even for your birthday.

Husband gave me the most thoughtful gift he has ever come up with. I like things that take time and thought. It makes me feel like I matter a little bit.

Some photos to update husband--you know the story honey.

What do you do with the realization that you don't matter to the person you love the most?

He says I matter but that's about as far as it ever goes--words. After this long I don't take much stock in words anymore. I get tired of being told one thing and actions and life prove exactly the opposite.

What is it about me that makes him not want to pursue me or romance me with the little things anymore (or ever really)?

Baby and I have been staying at my parents' because husband is in Arizona for work and I go back and forth between feeling hurt and angry that he hasn't done anything to let me know he thinks about us when he's gone; I then get mad at myself for expecting/hoping for anything because if he doesn't care to do something for me why should I be pissy about it?

I remember when I used to travel for work a lot knowing that it was the little things that matter.

He could even enlist the help of the family I'm staying with! I've been wanting to get my haircut for about 4 months now and dying for a tanning session to help through the winter blahs. Maybe call my mom and help schedule an appointment at a salon here and arrange for them to babysit Madeline. How fucking hard is this? I don't expect diamonds and weekend trips!
Do something that you haven't done before ( words and flowers).

We always said our marriage would be different than everyone elses. We'd have lots of sex and romance eachother--always remember the little things mattered. I think I'm the one that wanted that bad enough to get off my ass and DO something about it, rather than sit and think about it and feel bad but never go further than that.

What can I do differently? What IS it about ME that makes me unloveable like that?

The face of the fried mommy and her perfect baby.

Sharing some of Madeline's 3 month photos I had taken a couple weeks ago:

Burn out!

As I type this I'm holding a FINALLY sleeping baby. I have been trying to get some housework done all morning and she just kept "yelling" at me. I'd get on the floor and coo at her in the walker and she'd come to life, smiling and melting my heart. I'd walk away for 5 seconds to try to finish dishes-----AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I have cabin fever. My vehicle is buried in snow and I'm caring for the baby all alone so I've been trying to exercise when she sleeps or is content in a lost attempt to gain some sanity. Often I end up having to put her in the sling and take her on the treadmill with me--which ends up being half the workout I would normally get. Today I was dying to do some FIRM so I get Madeline all cozy after the stress of the morning and start sweating. My heart rate is just getting going and the phone rings---pause workout and check caller ID, not for me, continue workout. I get back into it and Madeline spit out her pacifier and is yelling---pause workout and spout baby talk for 30 seconds to quiet her down, continue workout. Get out the weights for bicep curl portion of video and phone rings again---pause workout and check caller ID, it's my cousin, let it ring and continue workout. Madeline yells some more for another pause, continue workout and the fucking phone rings---pause AGAIN and check caller ID, it's husband. I was rude and snotty and feel mad at myself for not feeling guilty. So I continue workout and this time just let Madeline yell even as it escalates into actual crying and then even screaming. I don't do a fucking thing for myself ever and nobody helps me do anything and I'm determined to get this good workout in.

I skip the cooling down portion and pick her up and she stops crying immediately and I say I'm sorry for letting her be unhappy. I should note that she had just been changed and fed before the workout and she was in the same room as me the entire time so I wasn't neglecting her.
After she was calmed down I held her while I put dishes away and finished cleaning the kitchen.

Now she's asleep in my arms and I could use a shower but figure I'll wait a while for that.

I just wish I had some sort of my own identity left. All I am is a mom and sometimes a wife when I get tired of a sexless marriage and initiate it myself. Who is Stacey and where the hell did she go? It's not that I want less time with Maddy, I just wish I had MORE of other things.

I feel like quitting trying so hard at everything because it doesn't matter anyway. The more I give the more I hope to get something in return and end up disappointed. I often tell myself to quit having expectations or hopes because then whatever happens is automatically going to be better than what I imagined. Maybe I should subscribe to that theory again--as a survival tactic.

Screw ya'll right now.

My little snow baby is perfect!

Last week Madeline had her 2 month check-up with the pediatrician (that spelling doesn't look correct to me). She will be 11 weeks old this Thursday.
Maddy is a giant! She has grown 3 1/2 inches and weighs 14.2 lbs. It is so exciting to see her change almost overnight.

She and I are at uncle Mike's--just finished doing all of the cleaning. Tomorrow is normally the day we would come but since we have plans to go to the Timberwolves' game tomorrow night I thought it might be better to clean today. Ben and Kristine are babysitting for us and hopefully she is a gem. I am hesitant because we tried to give her a bottle with pumped breast milk this Saturday when we were at Travis's and she freaked out. I'm hoping the problem was that I tried to offer her the bottle first. I've read that the breastfeeding mom is usually not very successful in giving baby a bottle. Babies are smarter than we think!
Justin is going to try to give her a bottle with pumped milk tonight and I'll step out for a while and HOPEFULLY she takes it. If not, we may end up leaving the game early tomorrow night--which wouldn't be the end of the world.

We got a great deal on the tickets. Jesse's friend Nick has season tickets so there will be 4 of us going. It's supposed to be super cold though---I'm not excited about that part. I know we've been very fortunate to have a mild winter, but I don't like that on a busy week for us (there aren't many of those) that it has to be shitty out.

The next few months hold a lot of changes in our household and I'm excited/nervous/scared. I'll update about the details very soon.

I hope everyone is well. We are heading to Wadena this weekend--should be interesting. I'm looking forward to the heat of the wood stove!

I feel the need to share that in the last few months I have forged a new found friendship with my brother. Jesse is not only a great guy, but such a nice person to talk to. We laugh a lot and talk on the phone almost every day. Yes, yes!
He and I have always gotten along well and shared a strange sense of humor but I really appreciate him lately and am so glad to have grown closer as we get older. He is a superstar!

Time to feed and change baby and head home.
Stay warm!!

Here's a couple more. This is Justin. I took these of the two most beautiful women I know. I'm not biased, just proud.

This is a new picture of my daughter. She's two months old now! I knew I would love her, but I never dreamed I would like her as much as I do! She has the best personality. I think she takes after me...

I don't know where time goes. I hate it when people say that, but it's the truth.

Madeline is 7 weeks old tomorrow and I don't remember life without her. I had my 6 week follow-up appointment with the surgeon last Thursday before we left for Kansas and everything appears to be fine. I am back on the pill and absolutely terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again anytime soon.

I have a dream baby and am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home full-time so far (aside from cleaning for my uncle which doesn't really count). It's been a test of my ability to trust in every sense of the word and be reliant on someone else to provide for my and Maddie's well-being. I've always been used to taking care of everything and been accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that has been an enormous adjustment the last few weeks and I'm nowhere near comfortable with the situation.

Breastfeeding has been one of my favorite things about having a baby, maybe because it's one of the few tangible things I am solely providing for my daughter. I love the content sounds and expressions she makes after pulling her chubby little face away and then looks up at me to smile (or barf all over my thigh).

My relationship with Justin has probably taken the most stress in all of this baby arrival business. I don't think either of us were prepared for that and sometimes I don't know exactly what to do or what I feel/think about it all. Maybe if I journaled on it or something. I don't have any good friends to talk about the thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks and admit here to being extra lonely.
I joined MOMS Club in Shakopee but so far have been met with social retards who have sick and bratty kids. It makes me appreciate my life experience and education, but sometimes wish I could be so ignorant.

I thought by moving down here that I'd be able to spend more time talking and seeing my college friends; I think I saw them more when I lived up North. I put forth a lot of effort when we first got settled in and then realized it was a one-way street and that I was the one setting up dinners or lunch dates or making phone calls to chat and when I stopped doing it----nothing. I haven't really heard from anyone since. Maybe I AM the social retard and don't know it. Is that possible? I think the most disappointing were my friends Jessica and Rhiannon. The rest of my friends are male and while I'm frustrated with them, I really didn't expect much more from them. The girls--different story, especially during my pregnancy when I could have really used girl time. Justin got an e-mail the other day from Jessica asking if we had the baby and then mentioning that she and her husband are now pregnant and they want to get together. Fuck that. I know it's immature and childish of me to feel that way but I'm so sick of everyone being such assholes.

People are always too busy or lazy or whatever the excuse is.

My 5 minute warning on the library computer just popped up. My heavy boobs are also letting me know it's time to get home to feed the baby. My sister is visiting and was nice enough to let me out of my cage. Thanks Sarah!

I hope everyone is well and has a very safe and Happy New year!

Three weeks ago today I checked into the hospital and by this time of morning was being pumped full of pitocin and various other fluids. It was without a doubt the longest day of my life. About 16 hours from now Madeline will be 3 weeks old!

The time has flown by and other than being WAY bloated for about a week after surgery and stuff (I ended up having to deliver c-section--for another post) I have had a miracle recovery. I made myself get out of bed and walk around 4 hours after coming out of post-op. I hate hospitals and even more dislike being hooked up to monitors and tubes and crap.

I've been walking since the day after we got home from the hospital and attending Stretch N' Stroll at Burnsville Center (fitness for moms put on by Lifetime Fitness) and today started doing housekeeping for my uncle (4 hours). I'm at his house now. I just took a lil break to breastfeed my babe and have a piece of toast. I've lost 30 lbs since my return home and now look forward to having more intensive workouts once my 6 week recovery period is complete and I have the doctor's ok. I go for my 6 week check a few days after Christmas (before we head to Kansas to bring in the New Year).

I just checked out the photo album for updated photos that Justin uploaded and am not exactly thrilled at some of my most bloated photos being there. Ah well, it's one of the joys of initial motherhood (or something).

My sister is coming down this Saturday to babysit so we can go to Justin's office Christmas party in St. Paul. I'm nervous and excited to be around other grown humans. My "outings" have consisted of walks with the baby and church on Sunday. It may be a long winter.

Ok, Maddy is telling me to get back to work!

I'll update again soon!

  

A picture of the most beautiful little baby in the world! This is Madeline, born 11/16/06 at 3:04am!!!