I feel like a failure today.
Why can't I just get it together?
I keep disappointing.

Husband and I on Christmas day (sweating our assess off at Uncle Randy's house).

Holiday Celebrations!!

Here are some photos from the holiday party in early December.

Ahhhh, memories! Thanks for a fabulous time everyone! Let's make plans again in the new year.

This is how much my baby loved the visit from Santa on Christmas Day!

I think I am officially done Christmas shopping and only have a handful more left to wrap.
I braved Target yesterday to replenish the wrapping paper supply one last time.

My mom always got tired of us shaking and trying to guess what our presents were. She got sneaky one year and replaced our names with animal names. Presents for "Cow" from mom and dad or "Horse" etc. littered the tree skirt. My brother and sisters and I got so mad and begged mom to tell us who was what animal but it was only ever revealed on Christmas eve. She then took to wrapping fake gifts and bringing out the real ones when it was time to open presents as a family. How funny and mean. I don't have that kind of self-control with gifts this time of year. I want everyone to open their presents immediately so I can see their reaction.

I'm a total regifter and so all of the useless things I've been getting from people with the management company (boxes of chocolate, trays of crap, etc.) has been getting regifted to the mailman, maintenance people, trash man, etc. It ends up working out fairly well and then we don't gain the traditional 5lbs that all of those tasty treats seem to bring.

The countdown to cruise has begun and I am pumped to get away for a whole week where nobody can call me or find me to ask me stupid questions. Yeahhhoooo.

Ellen is on tv right now. She makes me laugh outloud. That doesn't happen very easily.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Lately I find more times of understanding why people end up abusing their spouses and children this time of year.
I know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Madeline just pooped her pants.
Back to work.
Happy Holidays

Number One Professional Development Killer: Workaholism
By Susan Smith Nash, Ph.D.

What is the biggest threat to a working woman's professional development? Surprisingly, it is not necessarily about raising children. Nor is the biggest threat being caught in the "sandwich generation" and thus taking care of aging parents as well as one's own children. Instead, what some studies have found is that the biggest threat to women's professional development via courses and/or the pursuit of a degree is the very job one wishes to develop and build upon.
How is that possible? How can one's job also be one's pitfall and career barrier? In many cases, it has to do with workload and work responsibilities. The sheer magnitude of the workload causes one to have to neglect one's life, and to focus on just doing the bare minimum in terms of family and personal life.
While one might assume that the workload has to do with the rate of change in the workplace and the unwillingness of corporations to take on new employees, the reality is something else. The fact is, that researchers have found ridiculously onerous workloads tend to be a gender thing. Women, who have traditionally held roles of facilitators, moms, and superwomen, are unconsciously being cast in the same role today. Women, who are culturally conditioned to be accommodating, are easily converted into workaholics who will do whatever it takes to avoid conflict at the workplace, no matter what the personal cost or sacrifice.
The sacrifice can be very large, indeed.
The expectation of workaholism on the part of female employees, particularly supervisors and managers, means that, long-term, while their male counterparts are networking, taking courses, obtaining certificates and degrees, and generally getting ahead, the dutiful workaholic female manager is burning the candle at both ends, often arriving at work hours before the workday officially starts, and leaving long after the workday ends.
A recent study of women managers of university programs in British "modern" universities found the expectation of workaholism, 60-hour work weeks, and tensions between work and life. In addition, the author, D. Woodward, found uncovered several additional findings that could be useful to individuals. First, in this study, all the participants reported unmanageably large workloads, with some seasonal variability. The seasonal variability is a critical element because it could provide a starting point starting to require time for professional development and coursework.
Second, the study found that women were willing to take work home. This seems to be a universal in programs and with women managers. The main problem reported by women is that unanticipated urgent items would arise and would interrupt the normal flow, which would require work to be done at home, presumably because there was no one to offload or delegate work to. Lunch breaks were a rarity. Many women arrive early and stay late. They did so to avoid rush-hour traffic and to give themselves some quiet time before the majority of workers arrived. All the women interviewed worked in excess of contracted hours, and usually ended up with 50 to 60-hour weeks. Few women took all their annual leave, and when they did take leave, it was often used for childcare purposes.
Finally, the study found that women tended to have attitudes about work that were not commonly found in men. Women had different attitudes about work, which ranged from finding work enjoyable to seeing work as an all-consuming malign force.
Interestingly, flex-time and work-from-home schemes would not necessarily solve the problem except in cases when it might help with childcare issues.
For Woodward, the most useful finding was in organizational culture with respect to gender. Women are expected to be workaholics, concludes Woodward. For women to be able to dedicate time to family and continuing education, organizations must find ways to discourage negative work habits and workaholism. A woman who is mired in a culture that requires 60-hour work weeks just to manage the work flow is not given the opportunity to keep current with skills or knowledge, and will start to lose currency.
Reference:
Woodward, D. (2007) Work-life balancing strategies used by women managers in British "modern" universities. Equal Opportunities International. 26:1, pp. 6-17.

Boost Minnesota's Economy during the holiday season and find some fabulous and unique gifts!
While searching for toys made in Minnesota I found a list that MN2020.org compiled.
Enjoy as I have and finish up your shopping fools!

'Tis the Season?

My daughter has a big head. At her 12 mth pediatric appointment her head was still measuring in the 100th percentile so a CT scan was scheduled for last Monday. Madeline was fairly distressed and of course wouldn't hold still so her head had to be taped down in this horrible styrofoam thing. Wednesday we rec'd a call that there were some issues and we had an appt scheduled to see a neurosurgeon in Minneapolis for a second opinion.

I was a little freaked out; Justin was more freaked out. When I was a child I had similar issues with having a big head and Justin has always had a large head as well. This eased my worry a little.

Today we had the meeting with the neurosurgeon. Doc had amazing credentials--Harvard grad. I felt like we were in great hands. He greeted us himself in the waiting room and escorted the 3 of us back to his office. Madeline's scans were up on his computer and after he completed introductions he said, "well, I see where she gets her big head! It appears that the 2 people in the world with the biggest heads fell in love, got married, and had a baby with an even bigger head."

Is that your professional opinion?

Long story short, everything is totally fine and we enjoyed a long-ass drive back up North.
Hopefully Madeline and I can just be home for a while or even a week or something. I'm way tired and have Maddie's awesome cold.

HOLY fucking snow!

I'm sitting here with my chicklet, sharing a snack of rice cake and string cheese, watching the neighborhood disappear under the white stuff.

We got 15" of snow on Saturday. Thankfully (?) we were in St. Cloud for Justin's office holiday party and had 4 lane driving from Wadena (where we drove on Friday night). Madeline had her first overnight away with my parents for Saturday. I drank too much and didn't get to bed until after 3 o'clock in the morning. As soon as I get the pictures off the camera I'll upload a handful for fun.

Now, back to the daily routine, which I'm actually thankful to have for a couple weeks before the holidays.

There are many of you that I need to take time to write to and I'm sorry for my procrastination. I think of you and really WILL get caught up one of these days.

Be in touch.

I love my babies so much. Justin is sweet and Madeline is adorable.

I love etch a sketch too. When I was a kid I couldn't even make a friggen square on it. Now, I can make a square and that's about all.

We have Eva's wake tomorrow night and then will stay at my brother's house.

He just moved in with his girlfriend and my mom keeps talking about her kids are no longer perfect. Seriously.

I think maybe he broke that chance when he got a DUI? or had to go to court for a hit and run? or when I had to be on probation for drinking? Overdrinking and overeating plague all of my relatives so I guess maybe we are still perfect despite that. Doing anything out of wedlock though? Shame.

We are home. I'm glad to not be at a hotel.

I just got a call that my aunt Eva died about 20 minutes ago. She collapsed at home last night and uncle Dave tried doing CPR until the ambulance arrived.
I feel sad for Dave and my cousins. I can't imagine what I'd be if my mom died suddenly like this.

Madeline and I will be making a trip to Champlin this week for funeral services.

Phone ringing. Gotta run.

We had a little b-day party for Madeline at my parents' in Wadena Friday night. My brother and his g/f and my sisters were there with my parents. Yesterday we hit the road for Kansas. We drove most of the day and stopped just a few miles north of Des Moines.

It made the drive today relaxing as we only had about 150 miles to go. We are now back at our hotel for the evening and just had a little room service snack and now I have a big tummy ache
Justin just handed me the travel etch a sketch where he etched, "I love you Stacey." How sweet is that?

I'm going to try to track down some tums or something and get some rest. Tomorrow we are picking up Justin's mom in the morning and going to the Carter's outlet store! I love buying stuff for the kid there. I'm not a huge brand name freak, but I LOVE Carter's clothes. Then we are having lunch at Panera and after that it's anybody's guess.

We are here through Thanksgiving and hoping to leave bright and early Friday morning, with the intention of making it to my brother's in Elk River to spend the night and then go the rest of the way Saturday. We'll see.

Mad's has been a big trooper with all of this traveling. I like her.

Hi Ya'll.

We had Mad's one year photos this afternoon at Sears. They do a decent job but are sort of annoying with the pressure to buy.

A year ago at this time I was in mega-labor. I was induced at 7AM and ended up laboring until 1AM tomorrow UNMEDICATED, eventually having c-section around 3AM. It was the longest day of my life and hopefully I don't have to do it again.

But look what I have to show for it!!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Blah.

I haven't posted here in ages. Time is so scarce and I hate that. I think I hate it. Secretly I suppose I like to be deathly busy. I don't have to think about things as much then.

I'm sitting in the living room drinking a bottle of german white wine that I sampled during a night out with husband many weeks ago. It doesn't taste good while sucking on Airborne lozenges. Madeline has been sick and teething and I have felt on the verge of being sick for several days now; that added with no sleep (because she's NOT sleeping) drives me to drink at this moment.

We leave Friday for a week long visit to Kansas. Well, almost a week. We will leave Friday to go to my parents' to celebrate Maddie's 1st birthday. Then we'll leave Saturday and drive as far into Iowa as we (Maddie) can stand and spend the night. Sunday we will go the rest of the way leisurely and check into our hotel until Friday. We were just in Kansas a week and a half ago for Grandpa Woody's funeral. He was 95 and died peacefully. He still has a sister in Missouri who is 98 years old. Gross. I never want to live to be that old, even if I'm as "with it" as they were/are.

The day we found out Woody died Justin's parents had just left Bemidji from a Fall visit to announce they had been married in Arkansas the week prior. They have lived together for 22 years and I guess decided to "take the plunge." Gross. Justin's mom is good enough, but his father figure is a wacko sometimes. Justin's biological father died when he was 5 or 6 years old and then the current flavor came into the picture. Needless to say, (for MANY reasons) we stay at a hotel when we visit Kansas.

With Madeline's birthday approaching I think about all of the business of the last year. I am POSITIVE I want no more children. My mother gets angry at me when I make remarks about harvesting all of my eggs and sending them off to a hatchery or something. She thinks it awful to have only one child and that it more or less is punishing our daughter. Admittedly, I would prefer not to baby the Maddy Cakes like Justin's parents treated him. I also don't want her to have to grow up so fast and fend for herself like I did as the oldest of 4 in a poor, working class family. I'm confident that we can strike a balance without having to burden the world (and ourselves) with more kids.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally in love with my daughter, but she drives me up the f'ing wall sometimes. I'm in the process of weaning her from breastfeeding because she is approaching one year of age and because we are going on a cruise in January and I DON'T want to deal with that crap while on vacation. I'm too selfish I guess. Even after a year, I miss being able to do what I want, when I want. I want to go to the gym or tan or shop or get a facial or pedicure...and CAN'T do any of that without finding a sitter and then feeling guilty.

We bought a new vehicle about a month ago and Justin has it all decked out with Superman accessories inside. It's all good. A blue Jeep Liberty (Justin's favorite color) fits the motif and I want him to be happy. He is usually stuck driving my truck most days anyway because Mad's carseat is in the Jeep and it's just easier (or something).

I'm working part-time for a property management company in Bemidji and not using my degree at all, but it works extremely well for our situation (child) and it pays extremely well, so most of the time I'm ok with the sacrifice. This fall I was offered some classes to teach at the tribal college in RL but had to decline because of our situation (child) and was also approached about doing some part-time radio work where I've done some voice services for ads. I used to have a radio show in college with my friend Dave and always wanted to go into radio. Unfortunately, again I had to decline at this time because of---yes, our situation. I sometimes wonder if the outcome would have been different if my husband had been the one in my shoes. Oh well, that's what wine is for, right?

Last week I met with Randy, a personal trainer at my gym. I want him to kick my ass into serious high gear so I can feel a little better about my body image. As I mentioned before, we are going on vacation in January and I want to run a half marathon in the area next summer. I know I can totally do it with proper training and encouragement. Randy reminds me of a drill sgt. That's what I need. It's difficult when I have to have balanced meals for my daughter though. I can't very well just give her protein and veggies for every meal every day. I often lack enough discipline to just say "no" to other things if they are here. Although, she has this crappy organic whole milk yogurt that is so gross, but she loves it.

Let me see if I have a recent photo of her around. I think that the pictures have not been taken off the digital camera in a while and I have the batteries on the charger right now in preparation for our trip to KS.

This photo is from earlier this fall at a campus event. Someday soon I'll put up some more.
I recently wrote a quick essay about breasts. Enjoy.

My earliest memory of breasts takes me to the arms of Grandma Hilda. Baby-powder scented hugs suffocated me as she pressed my face into her soft pillowy bossom. I always had a place to lay my head when I was with her. My mom had little breasts. As a child I watched her dress and the empty bits of skin that once nourished me as an infant no longer required a bra.
I inherited Grandma Hilda’s breasts. My first bra was reluctantly worn at the young age of ten. I was mortified at the fast growing sacks of flesh that had taken over my body. All through school being big chested was torture. Tits, knockers, boobs, funbags, jugs—all condemnations hurled at me throughout my teenage years. Tits. I never had tits. My mighty mounds of mammary jiggled and bounced from the day they sprouted up from the pink spots on my chest. Jokes about getting black eyes when I ran and never being able to wear pretty bras scarred most of my adolescence.
It was when I reached my twenties that I discovered the treasure chest my genes provided and stopped trying to hide beneath baggy sweaters and loose tops. My cleavage opened up a whole new world and granted me powers beyond compare. V-neck tops revealing the shadow between the plump flesh caused men to become fools in my presence. I no longer existed from the neck up and as long as I was overflowing out of some sexy top I always had a man in line to talk to me.
My husband fell under the spell of my magical melons and always raved about how beautiful my breasts were. The pleasure it created for both of us as he squeezed and tugged and maybe even bit once in a while made life every exciting. I felt full and content as I watched him collapse and quickly fall asleep with his head on my chest, face looking up at me with admiration and a smirk of child-like satisfaction.
That same expression was mirrored a short time later in my daughter. She was a natural nurser only 15 minutes out of the womb. Her latch was strong and I was her link to this new world. I had great plans to breastfeed my baby and was horrified the day my milk came in and my beautiful, sexy chest quickly became God’s milk bottles. They went from being something nice to look at to performing a latent biological function. I cried as my in-laws cowered in terror at seeing the silky skin fill my baby’s little mouth.
My bust line increased several more inches (and ounces) and after the initial shock and engorgement leveled off, I grew to love my breasts again. I could nourish my daughter anytime and anywhere and the best part was that my husband loved the packaging his daughter’s milk came in. My lady lumps have now taken on the name “na-nas” by my little girl and when I walk into our bedroom and she watches me dress, I surge at that look of familiar, genuine admiration, knowing I don’t really exist from the neck up at this point, but gratified that some day she will run to my arms and I can press her head to my hooters and reminisce at my once soft sexy breasts having become sallow saggy sacks of skin.

My Baby is 9 Months Old

I'm trying to mellow out this evening after a few long and hectic days. My in-laws are visiting from Kansas. Madeline was dedicated on Sunday at a beautiful lakeside service. It was very meaningful and we were pleased to have both sets of Madeline's grandparents and my 2 sisters there. The pastor that married Justin and I performed Maddy's dedication. It was a real reminder what a responsibility we have as Christian parents. Encouraging and protecting Madeline's identity as a child of God and helping her to become the woman He intends her to be is an amazing honor and tremendous realization that we can only do so with God's help. I'm way too human to do anything that fantastic.

Somewhat unrelated to any of that, I just read this article that made me feel a little more comfortable with my thoughts and unsettled feelings of being a woman/mother. It makes me want to get back into writing like I used to. I used to do a lot of things I don't do anymore. I supposed that's part of growing up?

The bridge collapse. I'm shocked and baffled at such a tragedy so close to home.

My mom called today and said cousin Ryan's brain cancer has returned, but spinal cancer is gone. He turns 17 years old on Friday. Not fair. Makes my moaning and groaning about identity and crap seem petty.

Justin and I took 2 of our elderly neighbor ladies to see the Michael Moore movie "Sicko" today while Justin's parents babysat Madeline. Interesting. Manipulative. Sad. Shocking. Beyond my scope of experience/comprehension.

Justin gets to go on an afternoon lake cruise with his co-workers tomorrow afternoon. I'm a little envious because most of the people in his office are our friends and my favorite people, as I used to work in the same office only a year ago. They may go out for more drinks afterwards, so it's possible I could participate in some socializing later tomorrow evening. Madeline and I are taking Ana out to lunch with Justin's parents tomorrow so they can meet her. It is her birthday today and she had didn't work. I need to "prepare" her for a few things before we go.

It's late and I should try to sleep while I can.

August 1, 2007

All of the cliche lines come to mind: "How time flies!" "Where does the time go?" yadda yadda yadda.

It has been a wacky week so far and all I want to do is go to sleep on this gloomy and rainy day.

Madeline is sitting her booster seat, throwing Cheerios on the floor, and watching Sesame Street between cries to be free from the confines of her tray. I haven't really slept in a few days. She's been teething and running a temp the last couple days and is frequently inconsolable. Work is super busy but I haven't been able to do any of it. Yesterday our nanny was taking Maddy out to meet a friend for lunch (a friend of Ana's, not Maddy's). After she put Madeline in the car she passed out and hit her head (hard) on her car door. When she came to (I think just a moment later), she managed to carry Madeline back to our home and find me. Ana was a mess and her head looked horrible. We loaded her up and went to the emergency room. It ends up she was dehydrated and because of the high heat index lately it was all too much for her. She was given a few liters of fluid and will be back here today (as far as I know).

I'd really like to hear from other mom's out there. Am I the only one struggling with identity? Have other women experienced this? It seems the only parts of me that matter are my boobs (for nursing Madeline) and my vagina (duh). I'm not sure how to explain all of this, especially with a whining baby next to me. I can never have a complete thought anymore.

Ok, Madeline, you win again.

Lillich out.

My babygirl is 7months old!

She is eating actual people food (this picture was during dinner last night) and is working on pushing her 3rd tooth through!

She is crazy and fast becoming her own person. Even though I love her, I am quite certain we are not having more kids! I don't know how people with big families do it!

Happy Father's Day!!