Nearing the end of my twenty-something era I feel very strange. Tomorrow is my 29th birthday and it's mind-boggling for me to think that when I turn 30 I'll be a mom. Me? A mom?? What are we thinking? I'm about to to begin my 2nd trimester of pregnancy and so far haven't been "glowing" or felt any surge of joy or anything remotely close. I feel scared and a little mad at myself for thinking this could be the "right time" for us to move forward with starting a family.

Our first wedding anniversary is in about a week and a half and I feel pride at having not only survived, but mostly enjoyed the past year. Everyone always says that the first year is the worst and if you can survive that, you'll be ok. I don't know if that's any advice to live by, but it gives me hope.

I called on one of my choice teaching jobs today and was informed they are in the final selection stage and will be calling the chosen candidates for interviews and sending the rest letters. I've been getting so many letters I could cry. I have cried.

I do that quite a bit lately.

Beyond Forgiveness?

Sometimes we make poor choices in life. I never really thought that anything would qualify is "unforgivable." I used to work with young adults with developmental disabilities. From the moment I met these new friends to the moment I quit working at their house, I loved it. It was all of the bullshit that I got tired of. People in the human services field are always trying to justify their existence by pushing paper and programs and make the people who actually do the "work" feel like they are less than worthy of fair and reasonable treatment.

I tried to be part of the solution for a very long time and nothing ever changed. I gave up a lot in my life for these people and was that ever recognized? Working countless new year's eve, coming back early from my own family Christmas, filling in when everyone else would shit on me and my friends. I was always there. Why was my loyalty being challenged by some woman who walks in and thinks she knows everything? Why was I, who have known these people and lived with them for years and felt like I would give everything for them, treated like such crap? How long was I supposed to tolerate treatment like that? I wasn't the only one who went to management on multiple leves and the parent. My reasonableness was met with nothing other than a deaf ear.

Enough! It was the most difficult decision I had to make, but it was long overdue that I stood up for myself, since nobody else cared. I quit.

I felt like I abandoned my own children. I have regretted it since day one but was too stubborn and figured it was too late to do anything about it.

I recently sent an e-mail to the parent asking if she could consider forgiving me and stated that I miss the "kids" terribly.

Her response in a nutshell---I'm beyond forgiveness and it would be horrible for the kids to have contact with me.

Why do I feel like a child molester? It's quite an enormous amount of power I allowed her and I wonder what makes me think she's worthy of such a thing? I was always so desperate for her approval and again question why?

It's quite sad really. I hear things through the grapevine about the current state of their house and the people that work there and condition of the "kids" when others have seen them in public and wonder how everyone in "power" there feels things are now. I guess if you have a staff of regular drug users you are able to better control them. I would question at what expense?

Why do I automatically think that I am the one that needs to be asking for forgiveness anyway?