I feel like a failure today.
Why can't I just get it together?
I keep disappointing.

Husband and I on Christmas day (sweating our assess off at Uncle Randy's house).

Holiday Celebrations!!

Here are some photos from the holiday party in early December.

Ahhhh, memories! Thanks for a fabulous time everyone! Let's make plans again in the new year.

This is how much my baby loved the visit from Santa on Christmas Day!

I think I am officially done Christmas shopping and only have a handful more left to wrap.
I braved Target yesterday to replenish the wrapping paper supply one last time.

My mom always got tired of us shaking and trying to guess what our presents were. She got sneaky one year and replaced our names with animal names. Presents for "Cow" from mom and dad or "Horse" etc. littered the tree skirt. My brother and sisters and I got so mad and begged mom to tell us who was what animal but it was only ever revealed on Christmas eve. She then took to wrapping fake gifts and bringing out the real ones when it was time to open presents as a family. How funny and mean. I don't have that kind of self-control with gifts this time of year. I want everyone to open their presents immediately so I can see their reaction.

I'm a total regifter and so all of the useless things I've been getting from people with the management company (boxes of chocolate, trays of crap, etc.) has been getting regifted to the mailman, maintenance people, trash man, etc. It ends up working out fairly well and then we don't gain the traditional 5lbs that all of those tasty treats seem to bring.

The countdown to cruise has begun and I am pumped to get away for a whole week where nobody can call me or find me to ask me stupid questions. Yeahhhoooo.

Ellen is on tv right now. She makes me laugh outloud. That doesn't happen very easily.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Lately I find more times of understanding why people end up abusing their spouses and children this time of year.
I know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Madeline just pooped her pants.
Back to work.
Happy Holidays

Number One Professional Development Killer: Workaholism
By Susan Smith Nash, Ph.D.

What is the biggest threat to a working woman's professional development? Surprisingly, it is not necessarily about raising children. Nor is the biggest threat being caught in the "sandwich generation" and thus taking care of aging parents as well as one's own children. Instead, what some studies have found is that the biggest threat to women's professional development via courses and/or the pursuit of a degree is the very job one wishes to develop and build upon.
How is that possible? How can one's job also be one's pitfall and career barrier? In many cases, it has to do with workload and work responsibilities. The sheer magnitude of the workload causes one to have to neglect one's life, and to focus on just doing the bare minimum in terms of family and personal life.
While one might assume that the workload has to do with the rate of change in the workplace and the unwillingness of corporations to take on new employees, the reality is something else. The fact is, that researchers have found ridiculously onerous workloads tend to be a gender thing. Women, who have traditionally held roles of facilitators, moms, and superwomen, are unconsciously being cast in the same role today. Women, who are culturally conditioned to be accommodating, are easily converted into workaholics who will do whatever it takes to avoid conflict at the workplace, no matter what the personal cost or sacrifice.
The sacrifice can be very large, indeed.
The expectation of workaholism on the part of female employees, particularly supervisors and managers, means that, long-term, while their male counterparts are networking, taking courses, obtaining certificates and degrees, and generally getting ahead, the dutiful workaholic female manager is burning the candle at both ends, often arriving at work hours before the workday officially starts, and leaving long after the workday ends.
A recent study of women managers of university programs in British "modern" universities found the expectation of workaholism, 60-hour work weeks, and tensions between work and life. In addition, the author, D. Woodward, found uncovered several additional findings that could be useful to individuals. First, in this study, all the participants reported unmanageably large workloads, with some seasonal variability. The seasonal variability is a critical element because it could provide a starting point starting to require time for professional development and coursework.
Second, the study found that women were willing to take work home. This seems to be a universal in programs and with women managers. The main problem reported by women is that unanticipated urgent items would arise and would interrupt the normal flow, which would require work to be done at home, presumably because there was no one to offload or delegate work to. Lunch breaks were a rarity. Many women arrive early and stay late. They did so to avoid rush-hour traffic and to give themselves some quiet time before the majority of workers arrived. All the women interviewed worked in excess of contracted hours, and usually ended up with 50 to 60-hour weeks. Few women took all their annual leave, and when they did take leave, it was often used for childcare purposes.
Finally, the study found that women tended to have attitudes about work that were not commonly found in men. Women had different attitudes about work, which ranged from finding work enjoyable to seeing work as an all-consuming malign force.
Interestingly, flex-time and work-from-home schemes would not necessarily solve the problem except in cases when it might help with childcare issues.
For Woodward, the most useful finding was in organizational culture with respect to gender. Women are expected to be workaholics, concludes Woodward. For women to be able to dedicate time to family and continuing education, organizations must find ways to discourage negative work habits and workaholism. A woman who is mired in a culture that requires 60-hour work weeks just to manage the work flow is not given the opportunity to keep current with skills or knowledge, and will start to lose currency.
Reference:
Woodward, D. (2007) Work-life balancing strategies used by women managers in British "modern" universities. Equal Opportunities International. 26:1, pp. 6-17.

Boost Minnesota's Economy during the holiday season and find some fabulous and unique gifts!
While searching for toys made in Minnesota I found a list that MN2020.org compiled.
Enjoy as I have and finish up your shopping fools!

'Tis the Season?

My daughter has a big head. At her 12 mth pediatric appointment her head was still measuring in the 100th percentile so a CT scan was scheduled for last Monday. Madeline was fairly distressed and of course wouldn't hold still so her head had to be taped down in this horrible styrofoam thing. Wednesday we rec'd a call that there were some issues and we had an appt scheduled to see a neurosurgeon in Minneapolis for a second opinion.

I was a little freaked out; Justin was more freaked out. When I was a child I had similar issues with having a big head and Justin has always had a large head as well. This eased my worry a little.

Today we had the meeting with the neurosurgeon. Doc had amazing credentials--Harvard grad. I felt like we were in great hands. He greeted us himself in the waiting room and escorted the 3 of us back to his office. Madeline's scans were up on his computer and after he completed introductions he said, "well, I see where she gets her big head! It appears that the 2 people in the world with the biggest heads fell in love, got married, and had a baby with an even bigger head."

Is that your professional opinion?

Long story short, everything is totally fine and we enjoyed a long-ass drive back up North.
Hopefully Madeline and I can just be home for a while or even a week or something. I'm way tired and have Maddie's awesome cold.

HOLY fucking snow!

I'm sitting here with my chicklet, sharing a snack of rice cake and string cheese, watching the neighborhood disappear under the white stuff.

We got 15" of snow on Saturday. Thankfully (?) we were in St. Cloud for Justin's office holiday party and had 4 lane driving from Wadena (where we drove on Friday night). Madeline had her first overnight away with my parents for Saturday. I drank too much and didn't get to bed until after 3 o'clock in the morning. As soon as I get the pictures off the camera I'll upload a handful for fun.

Now, back to the daily routine, which I'm actually thankful to have for a couple weeks before the holidays.

There are many of you that I need to take time to write to and I'm sorry for my procrastination. I think of you and really WILL get caught up one of these days.

Be in touch.

I love my babies so much. Justin is sweet and Madeline is adorable.

I love etch a sketch too. When I was a kid I couldn't even make a friggen square on it. Now, I can make a square and that's about all.

We have Eva's wake tomorrow night and then will stay at my brother's house.

He just moved in with his girlfriend and my mom keeps talking about her kids are no longer perfect. Seriously.

I think maybe he broke that chance when he got a DUI? or had to go to court for a hit and run? or when I had to be on probation for drinking? Overdrinking and overeating plague all of my relatives so I guess maybe we are still perfect despite that. Doing anything out of wedlock though? Shame.

We are home. I'm glad to not be at a hotel.

I just got a call that my aunt Eva died about 20 minutes ago. She collapsed at home last night and uncle Dave tried doing CPR until the ambulance arrived.
I feel sad for Dave and my cousins. I can't imagine what I'd be if my mom died suddenly like this.

Madeline and I will be making a trip to Champlin this week for funeral services.

Phone ringing. Gotta run.

We had a little b-day party for Madeline at my parents' in Wadena Friday night. My brother and his g/f and my sisters were there with my parents. Yesterday we hit the road for Kansas. We drove most of the day and stopped just a few miles north of Des Moines.

It made the drive today relaxing as we only had about 150 miles to go. We are now back at our hotel for the evening and just had a little room service snack and now I have a big tummy ache
Justin just handed me the travel etch a sketch where he etched, "I love you Stacey." How sweet is that?

I'm going to try to track down some tums or something and get some rest. Tomorrow we are picking up Justin's mom in the morning and going to the Carter's outlet store! I love buying stuff for the kid there. I'm not a huge brand name freak, but I LOVE Carter's clothes. Then we are having lunch at Panera and after that it's anybody's guess.

We are here through Thanksgiving and hoping to leave bright and early Friday morning, with the intention of making it to my brother's in Elk River to spend the night and then go the rest of the way Saturday. We'll see.

Mad's has been a big trooper with all of this traveling. I like her.

Hi Ya'll.

We had Mad's one year photos this afternoon at Sears. They do a decent job but are sort of annoying with the pressure to buy.

A year ago at this time I was in mega-labor. I was induced at 7AM and ended up laboring until 1AM tomorrow UNMEDICATED, eventually having c-section around 3AM. It was the longest day of my life and hopefully I don't have to do it again.

But look what I have to show for it!!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Blah.

I haven't posted here in ages. Time is so scarce and I hate that. I think I hate it. Secretly I suppose I like to be deathly busy. I don't have to think about things as much then.

I'm sitting in the living room drinking a bottle of german white wine that I sampled during a night out with husband many weeks ago. It doesn't taste good while sucking on Airborne lozenges. Madeline has been sick and teething and I have felt on the verge of being sick for several days now; that added with no sleep (because she's NOT sleeping) drives me to drink at this moment.

We leave Friday for a week long visit to Kansas. Well, almost a week. We will leave Friday to go to my parents' to celebrate Maddie's 1st birthday. Then we'll leave Saturday and drive as far into Iowa as we (Maddie) can stand and spend the night. Sunday we will go the rest of the way leisurely and check into our hotel until Friday. We were just in Kansas a week and a half ago for Grandpa Woody's funeral. He was 95 and died peacefully. He still has a sister in Missouri who is 98 years old. Gross. I never want to live to be that old, even if I'm as "with it" as they were/are.

The day we found out Woody died Justin's parents had just left Bemidji from a Fall visit to announce they had been married in Arkansas the week prior. They have lived together for 22 years and I guess decided to "take the plunge." Gross. Justin's mom is good enough, but his father figure is a wacko sometimes. Justin's biological father died when he was 5 or 6 years old and then the current flavor came into the picture. Needless to say, (for MANY reasons) we stay at a hotel when we visit Kansas.

With Madeline's birthday approaching I think about all of the business of the last year. I am POSITIVE I want no more children. My mother gets angry at me when I make remarks about harvesting all of my eggs and sending them off to a hatchery or something. She thinks it awful to have only one child and that it more or less is punishing our daughter. Admittedly, I would prefer not to baby the Maddy Cakes like Justin's parents treated him. I also don't want her to have to grow up so fast and fend for herself like I did as the oldest of 4 in a poor, working class family. I'm confident that we can strike a balance without having to burden the world (and ourselves) with more kids.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally in love with my daughter, but she drives me up the f'ing wall sometimes. I'm in the process of weaning her from breastfeeding because she is approaching one year of age and because we are going on a cruise in January and I DON'T want to deal with that crap while on vacation. I'm too selfish I guess. Even after a year, I miss being able to do what I want, when I want. I want to go to the gym or tan or shop or get a facial or pedicure...and CAN'T do any of that without finding a sitter and then feeling guilty.

We bought a new vehicle about a month ago and Justin has it all decked out with Superman accessories inside. It's all good. A blue Jeep Liberty (Justin's favorite color) fits the motif and I want him to be happy. He is usually stuck driving my truck most days anyway because Mad's carseat is in the Jeep and it's just easier (or something).

I'm working part-time for a property management company in Bemidji and not using my degree at all, but it works extremely well for our situation (child) and it pays extremely well, so most of the time I'm ok with the sacrifice. This fall I was offered some classes to teach at the tribal college in RL but had to decline because of our situation (child) and was also approached about doing some part-time radio work where I've done some voice services for ads. I used to have a radio show in college with my friend Dave and always wanted to go into radio. Unfortunately, again I had to decline at this time because of---yes, our situation. I sometimes wonder if the outcome would have been different if my husband had been the one in my shoes. Oh well, that's what wine is for, right?

Last week I met with Randy, a personal trainer at my gym. I want him to kick my ass into serious high gear so I can feel a little better about my body image. As I mentioned before, we are going on vacation in January and I want to run a half marathon in the area next summer. I know I can totally do it with proper training and encouragement. Randy reminds me of a drill sgt. That's what I need. It's difficult when I have to have balanced meals for my daughter though. I can't very well just give her protein and veggies for every meal every day. I often lack enough discipline to just say "no" to other things if they are here. Although, she has this crappy organic whole milk yogurt that is so gross, but she loves it.

Let me see if I have a recent photo of her around. I think that the pictures have not been taken off the digital camera in a while and I have the batteries on the charger right now in preparation for our trip to KS.

This photo is from earlier this fall at a campus event. Someday soon I'll put up some more.
I recently wrote a quick essay about breasts. Enjoy.

My earliest memory of breasts takes me to the arms of Grandma Hilda. Baby-powder scented hugs suffocated me as she pressed my face into her soft pillowy bossom. I always had a place to lay my head when I was with her. My mom had little breasts. As a child I watched her dress and the empty bits of skin that once nourished me as an infant no longer required a bra.
I inherited Grandma Hilda’s breasts. My first bra was reluctantly worn at the young age of ten. I was mortified at the fast growing sacks of flesh that had taken over my body. All through school being big chested was torture. Tits, knockers, boobs, funbags, jugs—all condemnations hurled at me throughout my teenage years. Tits. I never had tits. My mighty mounds of mammary jiggled and bounced from the day they sprouted up from the pink spots on my chest. Jokes about getting black eyes when I ran and never being able to wear pretty bras scarred most of my adolescence.
It was when I reached my twenties that I discovered the treasure chest my genes provided and stopped trying to hide beneath baggy sweaters and loose tops. My cleavage opened up a whole new world and granted me powers beyond compare. V-neck tops revealing the shadow between the plump flesh caused men to become fools in my presence. I no longer existed from the neck up and as long as I was overflowing out of some sexy top I always had a man in line to talk to me.
My husband fell under the spell of my magical melons and always raved about how beautiful my breasts were. The pleasure it created for both of us as he squeezed and tugged and maybe even bit once in a while made life every exciting. I felt full and content as I watched him collapse and quickly fall asleep with his head on my chest, face looking up at me with admiration and a smirk of child-like satisfaction.
That same expression was mirrored a short time later in my daughter. She was a natural nurser only 15 minutes out of the womb. Her latch was strong and I was her link to this new world. I had great plans to breastfeed my baby and was horrified the day my milk came in and my beautiful, sexy chest quickly became God’s milk bottles. They went from being something nice to look at to performing a latent biological function. I cried as my in-laws cowered in terror at seeing the silky skin fill my baby’s little mouth.
My bust line increased several more inches (and ounces) and after the initial shock and engorgement leveled off, I grew to love my breasts again. I could nourish my daughter anytime and anywhere and the best part was that my husband loved the packaging his daughter’s milk came in. My lady lumps have now taken on the name “na-nas” by my little girl and when I walk into our bedroom and she watches me dress, I surge at that look of familiar, genuine admiration, knowing I don’t really exist from the neck up at this point, but gratified that some day she will run to my arms and I can press her head to my hooters and reminisce at my once soft sexy breasts having become sallow saggy sacks of skin.

My Baby is 9 Months Old

I'm trying to mellow out this evening after a few long and hectic days. My in-laws are visiting from Kansas. Madeline was dedicated on Sunday at a beautiful lakeside service. It was very meaningful and we were pleased to have both sets of Madeline's grandparents and my 2 sisters there. The pastor that married Justin and I performed Maddy's dedication. It was a real reminder what a responsibility we have as Christian parents. Encouraging and protecting Madeline's identity as a child of God and helping her to become the woman He intends her to be is an amazing honor and tremendous realization that we can only do so with God's help. I'm way too human to do anything that fantastic.

Somewhat unrelated to any of that, I just read this article that made me feel a little more comfortable with my thoughts and unsettled feelings of being a woman/mother. It makes me want to get back into writing like I used to. I used to do a lot of things I don't do anymore. I supposed that's part of growing up?

The bridge collapse. I'm shocked and baffled at such a tragedy so close to home.

My mom called today and said cousin Ryan's brain cancer has returned, but spinal cancer is gone. He turns 17 years old on Friday. Not fair. Makes my moaning and groaning about identity and crap seem petty.

Justin and I took 2 of our elderly neighbor ladies to see the Michael Moore movie "Sicko" today while Justin's parents babysat Madeline. Interesting. Manipulative. Sad. Shocking. Beyond my scope of experience/comprehension.

Justin gets to go on an afternoon lake cruise with his co-workers tomorrow afternoon. I'm a little envious because most of the people in his office are our friends and my favorite people, as I used to work in the same office only a year ago. They may go out for more drinks afterwards, so it's possible I could participate in some socializing later tomorrow evening. Madeline and I are taking Ana out to lunch with Justin's parents tomorrow so they can meet her. It is her birthday today and she had didn't work. I need to "prepare" her for a few things before we go.

It's late and I should try to sleep while I can.

August 1, 2007

All of the cliche lines come to mind: "How time flies!" "Where does the time go?" yadda yadda yadda.

It has been a wacky week so far and all I want to do is go to sleep on this gloomy and rainy day.

Madeline is sitting her booster seat, throwing Cheerios on the floor, and watching Sesame Street between cries to be free from the confines of her tray. I haven't really slept in a few days. She's been teething and running a temp the last couple days and is frequently inconsolable. Work is super busy but I haven't been able to do any of it. Yesterday our nanny was taking Maddy out to meet a friend for lunch (a friend of Ana's, not Maddy's). After she put Madeline in the car she passed out and hit her head (hard) on her car door. When she came to (I think just a moment later), she managed to carry Madeline back to our home and find me. Ana was a mess and her head looked horrible. We loaded her up and went to the emergency room. It ends up she was dehydrated and because of the high heat index lately it was all too much for her. She was given a few liters of fluid and will be back here today (as far as I know).

I'd really like to hear from other mom's out there. Am I the only one struggling with identity? Have other women experienced this? It seems the only parts of me that matter are my boobs (for nursing Madeline) and my vagina (duh). I'm not sure how to explain all of this, especially with a whining baby next to me. I can never have a complete thought anymore.

Ok, Madeline, you win again.

Lillich out.

My babygirl is 7months old!

She is eating actual people food (this picture was during dinner last night) and is working on pushing her 3rd tooth through!

She is crazy and fast becoming her own person. Even though I love her, I am quite certain we are not having more kids! I don't know how people with big families do it!

Happy Father's Day!!

We just returned from a visit to Kansas for a family reunion. It was my first time meeting a lot of Justin's extended family---WOW!

We are finally settled in our new place and did interviews for a nanny and found this amazing girl. We had to let our first sitter go and are so fortunate to have found Ana. Madeline is crazy about her and I think the feeling is mutual.

Maddie is just about 7 months old and is gradually working her way up the food pyramid. She still loves to nurse so I haven't been able to really get any rest yet. One of these days I'll get a good nap in (or something).

I hope ya'll are well and I'd love to hear from you.

Happy May Day everyone.
Justin and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary yesterday by going out to dinner with the baby. We really need to find an evening babysitter now that Madeline is 2 weeks shy of her 6 month birthday. She got her first tooth last week and started rice cereal once a day. She gets a little better at that everyday--mostly it rolls around in her mouth and slides out.

I start doing some really part-time work this month--today actually but the babysitter we hired for 15 day hours a week is sick. I'm dying to feel like something other than a milk machine. I hope Maddy takes to the cereal soon and gradually works her way to veggies etc. I've been glad to give her the best advantage by breastfeeding exclusively but it is wearing on me. I can't wait until her contentment isn't my sole responsibility. When she is no longer breastfeeding and gets cranky I can walk away and let Justin deal with it like everyone has done to me for the last 6 months--always assuming she must be hungry so get her on the boob!

My parents visited this last weekend and Justin's parents will be arriving Thursday from Kansas. I'm always amazed at the things these people (BOTH of our parents) say and do with regards to baby and parenting.

It's 3:30 pm and time to grab cranky babe and go check the mail. What an exciting life we lead!

I turned 30 years old today.
For some reason I imagined it would be a more exciting event. I suppose once you are a mother--more specifically a breastfeeding mother, things don't get all that out of the ordinary, even for your birthday.

Husband gave me the most thoughtful gift he has ever come up with. I like things that take time and thought. It makes me feel like I matter a little bit.

Some photos to update husband--you know the story honey.

What do you do with the realization that you don't matter to the person you love the most?

He says I matter but that's about as far as it ever goes--words. After this long I don't take much stock in words anymore. I get tired of being told one thing and actions and life prove exactly the opposite.

What is it about me that makes him not want to pursue me or romance me with the little things anymore (or ever really)?

Baby and I have been staying at my parents' because husband is in Arizona for work and I go back and forth between feeling hurt and angry that he hasn't done anything to let me know he thinks about us when he's gone; I then get mad at myself for expecting/hoping for anything because if he doesn't care to do something for me why should I be pissy about it?

I remember when I used to travel for work a lot knowing that it was the little things that matter.

He could even enlist the help of the family I'm staying with! I've been wanting to get my haircut for about 4 months now and dying for a tanning session to help through the winter blahs. Maybe call my mom and help schedule an appointment at a salon here and arrange for them to babysit Madeline. How fucking hard is this? I don't expect diamonds and weekend trips!
Do something that you haven't done before ( words and flowers).

We always said our marriage would be different than everyone elses. We'd have lots of sex and romance eachother--always remember the little things mattered. I think I'm the one that wanted that bad enough to get off my ass and DO something about it, rather than sit and think about it and feel bad but never go further than that.

What can I do differently? What IS it about ME that makes me unloveable like that?

The face of the fried mommy and her perfect baby.

Sharing some of Madeline's 3 month photos I had taken a couple weeks ago:

Burn out!

As I type this I'm holding a FINALLY sleeping baby. I have been trying to get some housework done all morning and she just kept "yelling" at me. I'd get on the floor and coo at her in the walker and she'd come to life, smiling and melting my heart. I'd walk away for 5 seconds to try to finish dishes-----AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I have cabin fever. My vehicle is buried in snow and I'm caring for the baby all alone so I've been trying to exercise when she sleeps or is content in a lost attempt to gain some sanity. Often I end up having to put her in the sling and take her on the treadmill with me--which ends up being half the workout I would normally get. Today I was dying to do some FIRM so I get Madeline all cozy after the stress of the morning and start sweating. My heart rate is just getting going and the phone rings---pause workout and check caller ID, not for me, continue workout. I get back into it and Madeline spit out her pacifier and is yelling---pause workout and spout baby talk for 30 seconds to quiet her down, continue workout. Get out the weights for bicep curl portion of video and phone rings again---pause workout and check caller ID, it's my cousin, let it ring and continue workout. Madeline yells some more for another pause, continue workout and the fucking phone rings---pause AGAIN and check caller ID, it's husband. I was rude and snotty and feel mad at myself for not feeling guilty. So I continue workout and this time just let Madeline yell even as it escalates into actual crying and then even screaming. I don't do a fucking thing for myself ever and nobody helps me do anything and I'm determined to get this good workout in.

I skip the cooling down portion and pick her up and she stops crying immediately and I say I'm sorry for letting her be unhappy. I should note that she had just been changed and fed before the workout and she was in the same room as me the entire time so I wasn't neglecting her.
After she was calmed down I held her while I put dishes away and finished cleaning the kitchen.

Now she's asleep in my arms and I could use a shower but figure I'll wait a while for that.

I just wish I had some sort of my own identity left. All I am is a mom and sometimes a wife when I get tired of a sexless marriage and initiate it myself. Who is Stacey and where the hell did she go? It's not that I want less time with Maddy, I just wish I had MORE of other things.

I feel like quitting trying so hard at everything because it doesn't matter anyway. The more I give the more I hope to get something in return and end up disappointed. I often tell myself to quit having expectations or hopes because then whatever happens is automatically going to be better than what I imagined. Maybe I should subscribe to that theory again--as a survival tactic.

Screw ya'll right now.

My little snow baby is perfect!

Last week Madeline had her 2 month check-up with the pediatrician (that spelling doesn't look correct to me). She will be 11 weeks old this Thursday.
Maddy is a giant! She has grown 3 1/2 inches and weighs 14.2 lbs. It is so exciting to see her change almost overnight.

She and I are at uncle Mike's--just finished doing all of the cleaning. Tomorrow is normally the day we would come but since we have plans to go to the Timberwolves' game tomorrow night I thought it might be better to clean today. Ben and Kristine are babysitting for us and hopefully she is a gem. I am hesitant because we tried to give her a bottle with pumped breast milk this Saturday when we were at Travis's and she freaked out. I'm hoping the problem was that I tried to offer her the bottle first. I've read that the breastfeeding mom is usually not very successful in giving baby a bottle. Babies are smarter than we think!
Justin is going to try to give her a bottle with pumped milk tonight and I'll step out for a while and HOPEFULLY she takes it. If not, we may end up leaving the game early tomorrow night--which wouldn't be the end of the world.

We got a great deal on the tickets. Jesse's friend Nick has season tickets so there will be 4 of us going. It's supposed to be super cold though---I'm not excited about that part. I know we've been very fortunate to have a mild winter, but I don't like that on a busy week for us (there aren't many of those) that it has to be shitty out.

The next few months hold a lot of changes in our household and I'm excited/nervous/scared. I'll update about the details very soon.

I hope everyone is well. We are heading to Wadena this weekend--should be interesting. I'm looking forward to the heat of the wood stove!

I feel the need to share that in the last few months I have forged a new found friendship with my brother. Jesse is not only a great guy, but such a nice person to talk to. We laugh a lot and talk on the phone almost every day. Yes, yes!
He and I have always gotten along well and shared a strange sense of humor but I really appreciate him lately and am so glad to have grown closer as we get older. He is a superstar!

Time to feed and change baby and head home.
Stay warm!!

Here's a couple more. This is Justin. I took these of the two most beautiful women I know. I'm not biased, just proud.

This is a new picture of my daughter. She's two months old now! I knew I would love her, but I never dreamed I would like her as much as I do! She has the best personality. I think she takes after me...

I don't know where time goes. I hate it when people say that, but it's the truth.

Madeline is 7 weeks old tomorrow and I don't remember life without her. I had my 6 week follow-up appointment with the surgeon last Thursday before we left for Kansas and everything appears to be fine. I am back on the pill and absolutely terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again anytime soon.

I have a dream baby and am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home full-time so far (aside from cleaning for my uncle which doesn't really count). It's been a test of my ability to trust in every sense of the word and be reliant on someone else to provide for my and Maddie's well-being. I've always been used to taking care of everything and been accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that has been an enormous adjustment the last few weeks and I'm nowhere near comfortable with the situation.

Breastfeeding has been one of my favorite things about having a baby, maybe because it's one of the few tangible things I am solely providing for my daughter. I love the content sounds and expressions she makes after pulling her chubby little face away and then looks up at me to smile (or barf all over my thigh).

My relationship with Justin has probably taken the most stress in all of this baby arrival business. I don't think either of us were prepared for that and sometimes I don't know exactly what to do or what I feel/think about it all. Maybe if I journaled on it or something. I don't have any good friends to talk about the thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks and admit here to being extra lonely.
I joined MOMS Club in Shakopee but so far have been met with social retards who have sick and bratty kids. It makes me appreciate my life experience and education, but sometimes wish I could be so ignorant.

I thought by moving down here that I'd be able to spend more time talking and seeing my college friends; I think I saw them more when I lived up North. I put forth a lot of effort when we first got settled in and then realized it was a one-way street and that I was the one setting up dinners or lunch dates or making phone calls to chat and when I stopped doing it----nothing. I haven't really heard from anyone since. Maybe I AM the social retard and don't know it. Is that possible? I think the most disappointing were my friends Jessica and Rhiannon. The rest of my friends are male and while I'm frustrated with them, I really didn't expect much more from them. The girls--different story, especially during my pregnancy when I could have really used girl time. Justin got an e-mail the other day from Jessica asking if we had the baby and then mentioning that she and her husband are now pregnant and they want to get together. Fuck that. I know it's immature and childish of me to feel that way but I'm so sick of everyone being such assholes.

People are always too busy or lazy or whatever the excuse is.

My 5 minute warning on the library computer just popped up. My heavy boobs are also letting me know it's time to get home to feed the baby. My sister is visiting and was nice enough to let me out of my cage. Thanks Sarah!

I hope everyone is well and has a very safe and Happy New year!