What in the heck?!

Around 7:30 this evening our clinic's phone number showed up on our caller ID. Strange, but I thought maybe Madeline's pediatrician was following up because of a call I placed earlier today (Maddie's broken out in some hive-like full body rash). It ended up being MY doctor. She asked how I was doing, then said she was calling to discuss my lab results from my physical last Friday. Everything appears ok, she had some modifications of my current vitamin supplement regimine/regime (?). Then she says, "by the way, when you were here, did we do a papsmear?"

HUH?

Somewhat caught off guard I respond, "well, I'm not sure if a papsmear is a routine part of a pelvic exam, but you were doing something in my business that I assumed was a papsmear."

She proceeds to say that she knew that and apparently she and the stand-in nurse who "roomed me" that day kept saying I did not have a papsmear and my "smear" seems to have grown legs or maybe already had something with legs in it and gone far away OR it might still be on it's way to Fargo, where the testing is done.

Awesome. Totally awesome.

After further discussion we agreed that she would have my name flagged in the computer system and if the "swab" was tracked down she'd let me know. If it wasn't, I'd need to go back to the clinic and have it redone, of course at no charge. Ya think?

What's even more interesting is the day I actually had the physical, I had to go back because the lab farcked up and misplaced/damaged my blood and had to totally redraw everything.

Am I on a screwy episode of Candid Camera? It's almost like I didn't even go that morning. Maybe I didn't?

Maybe God thinks I need to be inconvenienced some more and have ANOTHER pointless visit to the doctor.

Where the hell do I live????

Sunday night and husband and Madeline and I are being lazy, with the Oscars on in the background. Miley Cyrus just came out as a presenter. How in the heck does she get to do that?
I suppose she paid her way to the podium. Justin said that once she reaches puberty nobody will care about her. I don't care about her now.

Our home is still overrun with sickness. Madeline has pneumonia too now. She and I went to Wadena to stay with my parents last week. She and I have had to go back to the doctor repeatedly for antibioti changes and because we live in the middle of friggen nowhere the pharmacy (every pharmacy within 100 miles actually) is out of one of Madeline's prescriptions. How ridiculous is that?

I thought she was really improving but then today she barfed 2x at a baptism party and once more on the way home. Awesome.

Justin now says he is starting to feel ill. Tight chest and coughing and achey arms. I don't recall having achey arms....is achey ey or just achy? I think achy now that I look at it.

I'm starting to get really ticked because the cursor keeps relocating!!!! AHH!~ I'm all busy body typing and all of a sudden my words are up in the middle of paragraph one!
I'm even keeping my fat sausage-like thumbs off of the mousepad.

Go to bed.

I feel like I'm escorting my daughter through hell.

She has been coughing her heart out all weekend. These aren't just a kid with a cough coughs. She can't breathe, her eyes water, her face turns bright red, and eventually "stuff" comes out of her mouth and into our hands or on her person. Justin thought the stuff was clear, but after examining a fresh batch on the bed sheet an hour ago, it appears to be yellow/green/brown.
I think that's not good. She hasn't had any increase in body temp, unless you count rectal temp of 99. In my nonmedical degree, that's not actually an elevated temperature.

Justin has called the nurse line and every parent in Northern Minnesota is calling with the same issues. Soooooo, do I take her back to the doctor today? This cough is completely keeping her from her normal activities (she's 16 months--what the heck activities could she possibly be missing?) and TOTALLY keeping her from rest and any normal sleep. When I say HER I mean ALL OF US. I'm a baby kind of because I'm still not feeling 100 percent. While I feel TONS better than before, I have crazy coughing fits of non-breathing and the inhaler that I rec'd at one of my earlier visits that used to burn when I used it has now come in handy. I'm a bad mother. It's apparent that in taking care of my daughter when I was sick, I coughed alllllllll over her poor lil body and infected her.

I know that if an illness is viral there is nothing they can do for you. My question is: how exactly can they make that determination?? This viral shit is a wild wild beast! It scares me kind of.
I hate feeling this helpless.

Anyone have a spare bottle of baby antibiotics sitting around they could fax me?

My daughter makes a liar of me...again!

I had to take Madeline to the pediatrician today because of yucky cough and pulling at her ears and crying and all that cool stuff. As soon as I took her out of the Jeep at the clinic parking lot she looked like a ray of sunshine and never coughed once the entire time we were in the building. Doc examined her ears, throat, and lungs and everything looked perfect. Awesome.
Not that I wanted anything to be wrong with her, but I always feel like an idiot when I take her in for anything other than a simple check-up.

Husband was supposed to come along and help but more important things came up I guess. I'm feeling crummy today and a bit underappreciated and taken for granted (is there a difference between the two?)

Lord give me a patience with my daughter and husband....RIGHT NOW!

So, around Christmas time my brother was coming out of his part-time second job at a gym, which is next door to a beauty school or shop or something and saw 6 or 8 mannequin (Sp? i'm too lazy to look) heads in a dumpster. With Jesus' birthday around the corner and all, he rescued the lovely ladies and threw them in his trunk. My family plays spoons and dice for totally ridiculously stoooopid "gifts" and these heads are exactly perfect.

Before they ever made their way to a holiday celebration, my brother put his g/f's sunglasses and winter hat on "Debra" and set her on the landing of their townhome and scared the heck out of her. Then Debra spent the night in the bathroom waiting for my brother's early morning shower--another scare. After another few pranks in the freezer and the microwave she made her way up north to Christmas. She's been passed around and scared us all a few times.

When we went on our vacation at the beginning of January, I was a moron and got some braids at one of our stops in Mexico. As I was exiting, Justin had me pose for this picture with Debra's cousins. Neat, huh?

****************************************************************

So it's VD. I've never been all that big on VD. I'm a nerd that buys cards and crap for people for no apparent reason year round, so I don't feel all that compelled to do so on a day that everyone else in the universe is doing the same thing.
Some of it may have to do with the fact that I was single every VD until I was engaged to my now favorite husband.

Ack, ya know, I don't feel like writing about anything really. We have had a crappy couple days here. I suspect people are feeling a little tired of winter and they start complaining about every miserable thing they can think of and assume I care because I am getting paid and forced to listen to them. Truth be told, I often DO care and am a fantastic listener. I just can't stand drama and people who thrive on it.

I wish I had something smart and funny to end with. Husband and I are going out for a late dinner and will probably do some analyzation of the last few days. What did we learn? etc. etc.

I'd appreciate any and all motivational comments.

I'm guilty of feeling sorry for myself and thinking not very nice thoughts.
Mad and bitchy are words I would use to describe myself at the moment.
Why can't people just be perfect, like me? I say that somewhat sarcastically, but, sadly, not as much as I should.

My brother and I were discussing the other day, the horrible mentality curse we have. "If you want something done right, then you better do it yourself."
We were raised under expectations that weren't so ridiculous, just not the same as most people.

1. If you see something needs to be done, or know it will need to be eventually, DO IT; don't wait to be told to do so and do not wait and see if someone else will do it.

2. Don't halfass things you do. It reflects way too much on your character to sluff your way through life. Take pride in doing a job well done, even if you don't enjoy it.

3. If you say you're going to do something, you better do it. No exceptions.

4. Always tell the truth. Simple enough? Not as easy as you'd think.

5. Take care of your shit. This applies to a lot of things. When we were kids, it meant to take care of your toys. If we left our toys laying about or were careless with them--not cool. When we got our driver's license, my dad constantly lectured the importance of vehicle maintenance. "Checking your oil is the cheapest insurance you have!" This even applies to people believe it or not. Though my parents were tough sometimes, and didn't have a lot of money, we never doubted how much we were cared for. Our home was the most secure place in the neighborhood and still is. My mom was a badass mom and my dad was the strongest, best providing dad ever. I never felt scared or worried about anything.

Now I'm a grownup and at the moment feel like my parents did me a disservice in a way. Brother and I remarked at how often people disappoint us in just being themselves. We agree you can't hold it against them too much, but it hurts in a sad, nostalgic---yearning for familiarity kind of way.

I want my daughter to live by these guidelines (among others of course). I always thought everyone did, that they were common sense. That is the furthest thing from the truth.

Where did my parents go right and everyone else go wrong? Am I way off base and need to have my ass kicked off the high horse? Probably. If I could erase stuff then I wouldn't be so irritated and disappointed so often.

Most of the time this all doesn't bother me. In being so sick the last few weeks and seeing such slow improvement, unable to handle everything I usually take care of----it's become a bad, bad state of affairs in my head.

I want my mommy.

Up way too early--have been for a while, recovering from coughing fit. blah.

The snow has begun falling and I'm happy I don't have to go anywhere this weekend.

What are people's thoughts out there on infomercials? Do you ever watch them? Ever bought anything? Have some favorites? I'm doing a little research.

She's Like the Wind?

I'm getting ready to head for bed, but am wrapping up a few birthday greetings on myspace and whatnot. I have Law & Order: Criminal Intent on in the background and this commercial for the something Kennel Club just aired and has been on USA non-stop for the last few days.

Animals and I don't mix. I think they are germy and sheddy and yucky. I'll never understand these clubs and fancy shows for ugly-ass dogs that people think are totally beautiful. What hurts me the most is that they have taken Patrick Swayze's song "She's Like the Wind" as the music to this advertisement for the show. It shows long-hair dogs with their fur blowing in the wind and crying in slow-motion with this song playing.

I totally don't get it. I used to love that song but feel like Pat has entered a whole new level of desperation to allow his art to be sold to the dogs.

Why, Pat? Why did you do it?

Dickface

I know I said that my next post would be about the importance of RSVPing but something a little more pressing has taken place and I feel I should share.

This morning I was in the office and one of my college student tenants came in crying, with her mom along side her. They were wondering if I had any other apartments opening up soon because the girl has been having probs with current roommates. I explained current availability (lack thereof actually), and stood up in an attempt to usher them out of the office. The mom proceeds to tell me all about her daughter's issues and says that the current roommates have been calling her names and making her gain weight. I put my hand up and say, "listen, it's not that I don't care, but I kind of don't. These aren't dorms and I'm not an RA and while I'm sympathetic, there's nothing I can do."

The mom then forces the daughter to recount episodes of meanness and directs her to tell me the names the roommates have been calling her. The girl's face turns bright read as she begins to quietly say, "Well, they've been calling me dickface, and dickmouth, and dicklips."

My dead grandma. Dead babies. Burns all over my body. Cannibalism. Think of awful things so you don't laugh your ass of right in her face!!! It was the most difficult moment of maintaining composure I've ever had in my life.

Dickface? Are you seriously in my office with your MOM because someone called you dickface?

I simply closed my eyes and shook my head slowly in an attempt to show some type of disapproval, even though I felt like I should maybe high-five the people or something?! Or maybe I should have closely examined her face and said, "I have no idea where they got that idea! Your face, lips, and mouth look nothing like a dick!"

Dickface? Who says that anyway? I may have called my brother dickface when I was 10 years old...or maybe that was dickhead.

If someone walked up to me today and called me dickface I'd probably just say, "Hey, whassup?" and not think twice. Who the hell cares? I wish I had such a lame existence that my mom could come to bat for me because someone called me dicklips!

I called Justin afterwards and we got a good laugh out of it. Later I called the property manager down the street, Crystal, as one of her tenants might be moving in with the namecallers so I wondered if she had heard anything about the "situation" from anyone. She had and was saying she couldn't believe how nasty those kids were to that girl, calling her such horrible names. She was seriously disgusted. I was again forced into being disappointed to save face.

Am I super desensitized? I've been teased plenty in my life so maybe the prospect of being called dickmouth doesn't sound so bad?

I just called Justin at work and before I hung up I said, "I love you assface."

I don't think he'll want to move out as a result. I can't be sure though.

Folks, we have set a record!

I got some sleep!!!!!!
My previous post was rudely halted by my daughter. I think our babysitter didn't feed her yesterday morning because she was a bottomless pit when we got home and was chasing me around the apartment begging for crackers and shit.

Anyway, I went back to the doc yesterday and had some shit done and snot tested and x-rayed and didn't really find out too much. I got a prescrip for different cough medicine but when I got to the pharmacy to pick it up, they said it had been stopped being manufactured 2 weeks ago, then just stared at me.

Me: Ok, so you called my doctor to let her know then and she ordered something else?

Pharmacy Hag: Is that what you'd like us to do?

Me: Ummm, no, I think I'll just go back home and continue to be miserable enough that in another 24 hours I'll want to come and blow this place up!

Me (what I really said): Uhhhh, yeah! Did you really need my permission to go ahead and do that?

SO they call and she's with a patient so I wander the friggen pharmacy and end up with a basket full of $60 in crap I don't need but looked awesome, only to check back and have them say, "oh, we meant to page you! Oops. Your doctor is in with a patient so we had to leave a message and will have to wait for her to call."

Anyway, long story not as long: I got some new drugs around 5pmish and have been able to assume horizontal positioning! (When I was younger I could never remember the difference between vertical and horizontal, so I thought that whores are always horizontal! It totally works, I never screw it up anymore.)
Granted, it's 4:00 in the morning and I'm recovering from a fit, but I actually slept in a bed for several hours in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took a dose at 9pm and went to bed with my daughter and we both passed out. I woke up an hour or 2 later to get a drink and take some over the counter stuff and Justin made me switch rooms. I cried because I miss my bed and hate the guest bed, but it's for the best right now. I went back to sleep and woke up at 1:30 to check and see what time it was and marvel at the fact that I had slept. Then at 3:30 I was choking and gagging and attacking but THRILLED at the time!

I took another teaspoon of the magical potion and a few saltines cuz the stuff makes me a little barfy. I'm sitting here excited to go back into the guest room and sleep for 3 more hours on the bed I hate. I really am happy!

Other personalities begin to surface when I'm severely sleep deprived. I'll happily put them to bed, hopefully for more than a few hours.

My husband will be thrilled.

An adult that is sick for an extended period of time without something like cancer just gets annoying, right? Friends and family have asked, "how are you feeling?"
My response has mostly been, "shitty, still awful."
Their response to my lack of optimism, "not better at all? You have to be getting better a little bit, aren't you?"
To this I say, "no."
"Well, I'm sure you must be feeling better than you were, so that's what counts!" Thanks mom!

I'm a terrible closer and ender of posts. I'm not used to writing without Maddie trying to climb all over me and banging on the keyboard.

Justin and I are trying to plan a 30th birthday surprise for our friend Katie and nobody is getting back to us about whether they can attend.

Next post: RSVP'ing. Do your friggen job!

WTF ever!

I haven't slept any solid sleep in weeks. This is not some crazy exaggeration like I'm prone to do. I, for reaaaalllz, have been sick over 3 weeks now and am getting "better" in the fact that I no longer have a fever and my cough has eased up during the day. It's the crazy nighttime, or laying down anytime I guess, that has caused me to second guess my desire to live.

I've been on antibiotics and prescription and over the counter cough syrup and an additional prescrip of lung-numbing pills. All of that combined does nada. I've tried sleeping with every pillow in the house surrounding me, sitting in the recliner, leaning against the arm of the couch, sitting at the kitchen table with pillows in front of me, sitting in boiling hot bathwater.
It seems like it might be ok, but 5 seconds after falling asleep I start "spazzing" like someone has been holding their hand over my mouth for 23 minutes.
Cough and choke and gag and on and on. I've gone through 2 bags of Ricola drops and am on Halls menthosomethings. Delsym, nyquil, dayquil, robitussin, mucinex, hot tea, hot water, vaporizer, boiling water on the stove, netti pot.

The one thing I haven't tried: enema. Sound crazy? I agree fully. BUT, last night as I was crying and watching Full House because I couldn't sleep, I decided to google my symptoms in a new way. What did I find? I either have cancer or should give myself some enemas.
For the first time in my life, cancer sounds attractive. In my searching I found a super awesome weblog and have been reading Justin excerpts from it over the phone this afternoon while he is on the road for work.

So, I got in to see my MD this morning and they did bloodwork and chest x-rays and an RSV test (shot stuff up my nose and sucked it out--not cool). Ugh....Madeline is standing at my leg scrrreaaaming right now. I'll finish later. Yeah right!