Three weeks ago today I checked into the hospital and by this time of morning was being pumped full of pitocin and various other fluids. It was without a doubt the longest day of my life. About 16 hours from now Madeline will be 3 weeks old!

The time has flown by and other than being WAY bloated for about a week after surgery and stuff (I ended up having to deliver c-section--for another post) I have had a miracle recovery. I made myself get out of bed and walk around 4 hours after coming out of post-op. I hate hospitals and even more dislike being hooked up to monitors and tubes and crap.

I've been walking since the day after we got home from the hospital and attending Stretch N' Stroll at Burnsville Center (fitness for moms put on by Lifetime Fitness) and today started doing housekeeping for my uncle (4 hours). I'm at his house now. I just took a lil break to breastfeed my babe and have a piece of toast. I've lost 30 lbs since my return home and now look forward to having more intensive workouts once my 6 week recovery period is complete and I have the doctor's ok. I go for my 6 week check a few days after Christmas (before we head to Kansas to bring in the New Year).

I just checked out the photo album for updated photos that Justin uploaded and am not exactly thrilled at some of my most bloated photos being there. Ah well, it's one of the joys of initial motherhood (or something).

My sister is coming down this Saturday to babysit so we can go to Justin's office Christmas party in St. Paul. I'm nervous and excited to be around other grown humans. My "outings" have consisted of walks with the baby and church on Sunday. It may be a long winter.

Ok, Maddy is telling me to get back to work!

I'll update again soon!

  

A picture of the most beautiful little baby in the world! This is Madeline, born 11/16/06 at 3:04am!!!

Pregnant Pause?

Well, mother nature is napping I guess. Baby Madeline is healthy and happy as hell tearing it up inside my belly. The ultrasound and stress test last week all showed perfect insides and all that "neat" stuff and today I had another baby stress test and she is still quite content where she's at. I'm finally scheduled for induction this Wednesday morning at 7:30. Maybe I'll get lucky and these contractions I've been continuing to have will develop into full-blown labor before then, rather than just practice labor. Today I was dilated to between 2-3 cm and baby's head is still down where it should be.

I'm very scared now and wish I could rethink this whole deal.

Brief update on yesterday's appointment: everything looks fantastic and baby is super duper low, all I have to do is go into labor and she'll come out (I hope it's THAT simple!). The midwife was able to touch Maddy's head with no problem when she examined me (freaky!).

If I don't have her by beginning of next week I have to go in for another ultrasound and stress test for baby and determine from there what happens next. If the placenta has begun to deteriorate then it will require induction or possible c-section. If not, we may be able to wait on mother nature a little while longer.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not the best at this waiting game, especially when I'm not working during the day. Pray for us!

We are at my uncle's doing some updating to Justin's laptop and throwing some photos in an album Justin created. Let's give this a shot!

I'm done working and my due date 10/26 has come and gone and the monster child is still raising hell inside of me. I have another appointment with my midwife tomorrow and my doula is scheduled to be out of town tomorrow through Sunday so we have a back-up in case Madeline struts her stuff before Sunday. Of course I want her to come NOW, but I'm not super crazy about the possibility of having a doula we haven't met. I'll probably touch base with her this afternoon in case something happens tomorrow morning.

We have fun pictures of pregnant me that we'll try to post some night from my uncle's house. It's a bummer not having internet at home, but totally something we can live without while we figure out a budget with a baby and one income.

Justin dressed as superman today and had to shave his facial hair to get into character. He looked like a little boy. It freaked me out a little.

Anyone have any big ideas on how to induce labor? I've been walking, squatting, lunging, riding the teater totter at the playground across the street, sex, nipple stimulation, basically everything except the castor oil someone suggested--no thanks. Justin had a dream that he woke up in the middle of the night and I was reaching up trying to pull the baby out myself. Hmmmm---he may be on to something there!

Still pregnant and still working full-time at erection central. The great thing is that they are on a nice tree-lined street down a few feet from Wooddale Church and I go for walks everyday during my lunch break. It is wonderful to clear my head and enjoy the fall weather.

We got rid of our doctor and switched to a midwife at the same clinic/hospital. I had my first appt. with them on Wednesday and it went super well. Her nurse was the greatest woman ever and had the doctor had a nurse like that I may have felt better about things. I had only gained 2# during the 2 week period since my last visit so I was happy about that. I discussed weight with midwife and she didn't understand why I was bringing it up in the first place because I have basically maintained the entire pregnancy. Go figure.

She ordered another ultra-sound since the baby's arrival is so sketchy in my records and if the baby is as big as the previous doctor thinks she is wondering if I would perhaps consider an elective c-section. Yuck. SO, tomorrow while husband is in Buffalo playing paintball with fellas I'm going to go to the hospital for yet another picture of Madeline and see what's up in there.

Other than being SUPER tired because of horrible night-sleep I feel fabulous. Justin and I rode our bikes over to my uncle's last night for him to bring up north for storage this weekend. We then walked back home and other than a gigantic fight on the way back I felt good physically.

Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't be working right now, so I can be resting up for labor/delivery, but I don't sit still well. The only comfortable position for me lately is standing or walking. Sitting and laying down stink. At least at work my mind is kept busy--sort of. I know they are glad to have my help here and it is nice to have the extra money to take care of some things and do some fun things with husband before Maddy gets here.

I'm feeling sort of lonely and wish I had some friends down here that were interested in discussing pregnancy or doing things like going for a walk or just sitting and drinking water.

Time to jet. I'm taking Justin to see a movie and pepper him with kisses before I tuck him into bed. He is meeting the fellas in Eden Prairie at 6:30 tomorrow mornin'. That's pure insanity. I"m glad he's going though.

Today Justin said that I'm never happy with anything.
It felt like a slap in the face.
Part of me wishes he had done that instead.

I am so tired today I feel like I can barely function, but somehow was up later last night and earlier this morning with little struggle. Getting ready to go to Wadsville for the shower this weekend is more work than it's probably worth (no, I don't really mean that). It's just been such a hectic week that all I want to do is not see anyone or do anything.

Today is my last day of work in Shakopee and erection central wants me back full-time next week and THEN 3 days a week after that. While I was looking forward to a couple days of getting some stuff done around home next week the money will be nice and it's only 2 more days than I had planned. Next week isn't as jam-packed with stuff either--until childbirth class friday and saturday. Actually, now that I think of it, I think I have breastfeeding class on Tuesday night and Monday night my brother was going to come over....

There'll be plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead.

Ok, this is seriously a nutso day.
I ran home for lunch and just as I sat down to watch the Cosby's and eat my sandwich my mom called.
My cousin is pregnant with her 2nd illegitimate baby. Her first son just turned 4 I think and the daddy had been out of the picture for quite a while and now is back in Minnesota and apparently back in Jeanne's pants. To quote my grandma, "Doesn't show know how it happened the first time?"

Then there is my brother's response, "ARE YOU FRICKIN’ SERIOUS? How does Jeanne get pregnant more times in 4 years than I get laid! WHAT THE HELL!!!! CONDOMS!!!!!!! BIRTH CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s soooo much cheaper and easier than actually raising a kid!!! Lord!"

Oh so funny, but even more sad.

Then there was this friend that had a baby a year and a half ago and was engaged to be married this spring but they called the wedding off who just found out that this baby is not his. WOW! How do you make sense of that after 18mths of bonding with (and paying for) a kid you think is yours?

I'm glad my life isn't a talk show topic.

I just now realized that if I am 3 weeks further along, I could be having this baby in TWO weeks.

Oh MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

I miss my Bemidji doctor so much. If I weren't so far along in my pregnancy I would switch doctors at this new clinic. It just seems sort of pointless now. I've mostly resolved that I wouldn't use this guy again nor would I refer anyone to him.
I gained just over 4# since 2 weeks ago and after "discussing" that with him I felt like a failure. He kept saying that I shold only be gaining 1-1.5 lbs a week and that I was doing so well and now it's like I'm letting myself go. Excuse me! If I stuck with his average, I should have gained 2-3 lbs since my last visit and I gained 4. Do I suck that bad?
I was losing every visit for the first several months and then was staying the same and it's basically been just these 2 visits that I've gained anything. I felt like bawling because I was pretty freaked out after finding out I gained 5# at my last visit and really did make a concious effort to stick with eating at home and having lots of fresh fruits and vegs, my usual breakfast of kashi, fruit, and soy milk, snacks of apples and cucumbers and triscuits bla bla bla. Bastard.

THEN he pulls out some results from my ultrsound a couple weeks ago and says that the baby is measuring a fair amount larger than what my due date would suggest and that I could be 3 weeks further along than what he thought. He didn't seem concerned as the baby's heart rate and my blood pressure and everything are perfect; just that my weight gain is nutso I guess. So I scheduled a visit for 2 weeks and then once a week after that. Another ultrasound will also be ordered next time to see if they can more accurately gauge when this baby is going to make it's appearance.

I hate going to these appointments alone. I wish Justin's commute didn't have him quite so far away.

After I had one foot out of the clinic I collapsed into a pile of tears and sobbed my way to work.

This baby has NO idea what she's getting herself into.

Doctor again tomorrow so I get to come in to work a lil late. I worked full-time last week and this week for a company in Shakopee and it has caught up with me--I'm pooped. Plus we've been going nonstop for the last few weeks with family stuff and yadda yadda yadda. We are heading to Wadena after I get off work on Friday for baby shower on Saturday. Sunday we come back and are meeting with the woman I hope will be our doula.

Tonight my old friend, Rhiannon, is coming over for dinner. I haven't seen her in ages and it'll be great to give her a big hug.

Last night Justin and I did a ton of work around the apt and ended up going to bed not talking. He growled at me and I started crying. Tired + pregnancy hormones = no good. We are better today and laughing about it. He is participating in a men's group at our church that meets Tuesday mornings at 6:15. Today was the first day and he said it was a terrific way to start the day. I am so proud of him and it makes me feel good that he is spending time with other Christian men. He went to a men's group at our church in Bemidji a few times but said it was like attending a freak show and wouldn't go back.

My boobies started leaking the other day. This whole baby thing is really happening (like there was a doubt in my mind)! I'm almost a month away from my due date but have a feeling it's going to come early.

Old roommie Rick and his wife came over for dinner last Friday. It was nice to see them but sort of strange in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it has to do with baby or something. Not sure.

Saturday we had to take my godchild to his football game and then took him and his brother out for lunch. Their dad was busy helping set up for the benefit dinner for Ryan's cancer fundraiser deal in Hopkins. We went there for the evening and helped with that and visited with more friends we haven't seen for a long time. Stretch and Holly are due with baby around the same time we are, so it was fun to talk pregnancy with her.

Sunday we spent the day with my cousin Jayson and his wife and kids at their home in Rogers. They were fortunate to not have any damage to their home, however, their daycare provider's neighborhood 3 blocks away was a war zone. The police were checking vehicles as we entered the area and weren't going to let us in, but Jayson and Beth were in the vehicle in front of us and got them to let us through. Crrrrrazy!

I would give anything to have a day at home with my man where we don't have to go anywhere or see anyone or do anything. After this weekend in Wadena, the following weekend is childbirth classes. The weekend after that is my cousin's wedding back up North but we are 99% sure we are going to pass and stay home and finish up baby prep at home and get things winterized. The following weekend is another baby shower with Steinkopf family in Rogers and then the following weekend we are supposed to take my parents out for the night for my dad's birthday.

This baby needs to come NOW so I can have a break!

Almost time to go home for the day. Shutdown.

I've been so busy this week doing temp work for a company in Eden Prairie--they actually are a medical place that produces erectile dysfunction devices!!! How perfect for me. haha.

The marketing/pr guy didn't even have the decency to call me back. I take the time to go for 2 interviews and complete an "assignment" with little notice and this professional (yeah right) man couldn't find time in his busy day to call and tell me he decided to go another route. I'm fine with a company doing what's best for the company--that's what is expected and if I'm not what's best, that's totally ok. Why not extend the courtesy of some kind of contact? I was supposed to receive a call the Monday following my interviews. I waited until Wednesday because I thought maybe they would send a letter to avoid making a phone call, still nothing. I sent a brief and slightly snotty e-mail. I got a response later that day saying he had been so busy.

The erection company asked if I would be interested in doing some more part-time work for them after this week. I think that'll work out for now--getting some extra cash until Maddy arrives--stockpile for diapers and stuff!

I met with a body shop in Eden Prairie today and they asked if I would be interested in working for them as an estimator after the baby is born. We'll see what happens on that one.

Anyhoo, I'm at my aunt's for dinner tonight and relaxing, checking e-mail and stuff. It's really hot in here so I'm going to close for now.

I'm at the library ready to punch the man next to me for clearing his throat every 5 seconds!
Another doctor appointment completed this morning. Due date is now 10/26 and the results from my blood test were fine--no gestational diabetes and hemoglobin normal. Today I was up 1# and my blood pressure was a little low, protein and urine sugar are fine. I actually FEEL pregnant now and it kind of stinks--although as I type this I can simply look down at my belly and SEE the Maddy going crazy. I love that. I feel rather unattractive and like I'm in the early stages of the stomach flu, but all of the time. I've been trying to go walking daily and yesterday went for a bike ride. I imagine I looked sort of ridiculous, trying to balance my big ass and belly on what I call my "mom bike." It was nice to get the sun and fresh air.
Last weekend we went to the farmer's market in Burnsville and got some beautiful produce that I've been freezing and baking with this week. We strolled through the Art and all that Jazz festival. Artists are a strange group of folk. We checked out a new church this weekend and really enjoyed it. Last weekend we went to one in Shakopee that was not quite what we were looking for. We'll probably continue to go to this one for a few weeks and see how things go.
This weekend we have tickets to the St. Paul Saints for Saturday night as some work thing for Justin. I love outdoor baseball and am very excited. I think we're also going to go to the state fair. My sister won some tickets and is going to try to send them to us.
I wish we had internet at home so I could be posting some pictures on here of our new home, baby photos (ultra sound), me (big belly and boobs), husband. We are trying to watch the expenses until we know what exactly will fit in our budget. Neither of us are big internet junkies so it's not really a big sacrifice to not have it.
Time to wrap up. I have a few more things to take care of while I'm here.
Hugs and kisses to ya'll.

Brief update post as I'm on my way from the library to the doctor for some bloodwork: IT'S A GIRL! I had another ultrasound on Saturday morning to monitor the cyst on my ovary and Madeline M. Lillich let us have a brief view of her lil bottom area! It's so exciting!

I've been doing some temp. work in the area and had 2 interviews last week with a marketing/pr firm in Jordan. I'm supposed to find out today on that one. There is an awesome position that just opened up with the city of Shakopee for a Communications Coordinator that may be more up my alley than the Jordan thing, but whatever happens is fine with me. It's wonderful not to be under so much pressure although I still find myself busy as ever trying to get settled and things in order. The Kansas in-laws have been in town for the last 4 days so that slowed things down a little--'nuff said about that!

Anyway, I have to get across town to the lab. One of these days I will truly update and e-mail some of you. We don't have internet at home and I've only been here just about 2 weeks.

Bye for now.

I'm out of the insurance business!

Update to come later.

Yucka.
It's day one at the new office. I hate being the new person, especially in a job I've been doing for a year now and especially in a job a despise.

I spent most of the weekend camped out in our new recliner with my feet up. I felt like crap and was exhausted. It probably did me some good to drag my ass out for work today.

So I'm in this new office. When I walked in everyone started clapping. Apparently whenever ANYONE walks in everyone claps. If you go to lunch and come back: CLAP!
I hate lame office stuff like that. I found out today I have an interview for the position I applied for at our Burnsville Service Center Location. The most appealing thing about that job: no driving around looking at cars or dealing with body shops!!!

Justin and I have been talking and I think I'm going to move forward on applying for some part-time jobs close to home for the last few months of the pregnancy. Right now we are doubly insured medically through both of our employers and while it would be nice to have dual income for the next few months, it is not a necessity. So I was scoping out the Shakopee paper online this morning and there are a bunch of easy part-time/$12 hr jobs that I would be ecstatic to do until baby drops. I'm frazzled and would like to be able to spend some time actually enjoying my pregnancy!

Cross your fingers!

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I was up early this morning deflating the air mattress and loading the last few things into my truck. This was our first home as husband and wife. Our baby was concieved here and there are so many memories associated with each room in the house.

When I got to the office this morning we were hit with hail claims in our territory. Apparently last night around 7pm golf ball size hail went through Mentor/Red Lake Falls. I used to love summer weather and storms. After working in insurance I dread the high pitched beeps on television and radio notifying people of pending warnings/watches. I dread rain and thunder and most of all HAIL. To most people hail the equivalent of winning the lottery. Money without your rates increasing!

Anyway, I got another baby gift this morning from Tara at work and a little going away gift. I'll be back next weekend for her wedding. I think that's part of the reason why I feel somewhat unphased by the fact that this is my last day here. I have agreed to work out of our Eagan branch for now and once the baby is born we'll see what happens. Only 3 months to go---90 days! Baby has been very active today and I feel appreciative for it. With work and packing and cleaning and dinners this week I've been feeling a little lonely. It is nice to feel close in the midst of chaos.

After work today I make the long/hot drive to Shakopee. I imagine this weekend will be pretty mellow with the heat and all. The farmer's market is my main goal.
Having this baby growing inside me is catching up with me today. I'm feeling really rundown and almost hungover. It's a good reason to lay around and keep cool.

If anyone actually reads this anymore--keep cool and hydrated.

I am taking a break from packing up my desk and finishing up some of my claims and have no idea how I feel about all of this change.

Crap, more work. Will update later maybe.

Another Friday Post

I had my last OB appointment with my doc in Bemidji today. Kinda sad. He and his nurse were amazing and I would have loved to delivered with them. I meet doc #2 on August 11th.

I'm now ending my 6th month of pregnancy and am still feeling wonderfully! I had been losing a few pounds each month, totalling about 17#, but then this month gained 5. The doctor said he was starting to worry and then I started to freak a little. So, I'm glad to see the number rise just enough to shut him up. It's strange eating while pregnant because every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth I imagine if the baby were sitting next to me at the table and placing the food in the baby's mouth. Ridiculous, I know.

Today's appointment went very well--got to have an ultrasound and verify baby has 2 arms and 2 legs and is growing right on schedule! The little tyke wouldn't position itself so we could see if it was a boy or girl. Ah well, it's healthy and that's all that matters. Maddy/Mason will make her/his arrival when they are ready.

Unfortunately, my ultrasound revealed a cyst on my ovary a bit larger than a golf ball. There is nothing that can be done while I'm pregnant so we'll deal with that in a few months.

Two more weeks left in the Bemidji office and then I depart to live with my husband again! Speaking of the sexy man--he is in town and ready to take me home and ravish my pregnant body!

Keep cool ya'll!

I am so glad it is Friday. I get to spend the weekend with my husband in Wadena. He is enjoying is job at the National Arbitration Forum and I am so proud of him!

We had big drama with the apartment we thought we wanted in St. Louis Park and now are going to be living in Shakopee which changes things as far as my job goes--kind of. We had our deposit down and everything was fine and dandy until we found out they changed their mind about pro-rating the rent for 1/2 mth of June AND would not give Justin a single key until we could both be there to sign the lease. All of this after we confirmed 42,000 times that I would not be down there for a few weeks/months and that they would indeed pro-rate the month of June--otherwise Justin was going to wait until July 1 to move in. It was impossible for me to get there to sign any papers of any kind. Long story even longer, we are out $400 deposit and moving to Shakopee July 1.

I'm relieved somewhat because I lived in Shakopee several years ago after high school and before college and loved it--small town feel but so close to the luxury of the city. My uncle lives there as well and it will be so nice to be close to help him out with his kids, especially Ryan once he starts his 2nd round of chemotherapy in a few weeks.

The downfall is that I found out today there is another position in Roseville that is basically mine if I want it (I didn't get the casualty rep position). It's a shitty commute that I would only consider if it was a job I absolutely loved--even then I might hesitate. I in no way love or even like my current job and don't think it's worthy of a drive like that. I suppose I could suck it up until baby is born but realllly don't want to. Husband is half-understanding of it but is afraid nothing else would be available for me closer to Shakopee. If we were staying in Bemidji I would agree fully, but we are going to the other end of the earth basically.

I just want to have a normal life someday soon! Preferrably one that does not include cars, body shops, or injured people.

Missouri=Misery

I was able to return from CAT duty a week early and am thrilled to be back in Minnesota. My flight came in around 9pm on Saturday and seeing the Minneapolis skyline has never made me happier.

Returning to the office here after only 1 day off didn't bother me so much. Even though it was extremely busy today I am ecstatic to do what I'm good at in an area where I excel and people encourage my growth and development. How much I've taken that for granted!

I have my phone interview tomorrow afternoon for the casualty rep position in Roseville and am a little nervous. I don't have a real passion to get this position--it's more of a means to an end I guess. Justin signed papers last week on our apartment in St. Louis Park and our house here isn't familiar any longer. We have 90% of our belongings packed up and in the garage awaiting U-haul day.

The next couple months I will probably be still working in the Bemidji office and living in our current house--courtesy Progressive Insurance. I'm glad that I can be here to assist during our busiest time and make the transition easier for everyone.

This time away made me appreciate my job, my life, MY HUSBAND! He came through for me when I needed him the most and I can't explain the new light I'm seeing him in. I'm very pleased and proud to be his wife! He is going to be the greatest daddy ever and sharing the blessing of our pending arrival has me glowing (finally!).

I'm starting to show and have reached 5 months and all is well. I have my next doctor's appt next Wednesday and look forward to hearing that heart beat again. I am so unworthy of all of these wonderful things and people in my life. Why does it take a week of hell in a different state to make me realize such a thing? Whatever the answer is, I'm glad all the same.

Wacky! Crazy!

My head is spinning from so much activity.

Justin accepted a job offer from the National Arbitration Forum in St. Louis Park and starts June 12! Congrats bear! I was supposed to have an interview for the casualty representative position in Roseville next week but was informed yesterday that I am being deployed for CAT duty in Jefferson City, MO. Blah.
I was supposed to fly out today (less than 24 hour notice), but because of the holiday was told to fly out on Monday instead & report early Tuesday morning. I got the last seat on the last flight out of Bemidji on Monday and won't get into St. Louis until late and then have to drive a little over 2 hrs to Jefferson City.

On the sunny side: I get paid lots of extra money for the next 2 weeks and have a little change of scenery from the same old stuff up North.

Today my manager offered to pay my rent for the next few months for me to keep working here until I find something in the twin cities with the company or elsewhere. It's a great compliment and a nice offer because of the little one fast growing inside me. The longer I can keep making money and have my insurance--the better.

It will be nice to be closer to friends and other places and activities we enjoy. Bemidji has been good to us for the most part and is always changing and growing, but is a difficult place to be starting careers and a family.

Goal #1: Find a place to live!

If anyone has any ideas/suggestions, please let me know!

Husband completed defending his thesis and walked through commencement on Friday afternoon. The weather was shitty and I was stuck entertaining both of our families in our home. I'm proud of him.

He is in Minneapolis tonight preparing for 2 job interviews down there tomorrow. I'm nervous/excited for him. I get a bit scared thinking about all of the change this would bring about: new home, hopeful job transfer for me (at least until the baby is born for insurance reasons), finding a new ob/gyn--this is what is pretty terrifying to me actually. I love my doctor and was bummed that the clinic she is at does not handle prenatal care, so I was referred to an ob/gyn. I was all freaked out and now couldn't be happier with the relationship I've developed with him and his nurse. Can I possibly be that lucky again?

I received my very first mother's day card this year! My mom made me cry by surprising me with it on Friday night. I am so glad to have her. Husband's family was also here from Kansas for his graduation. That may be for another post on some secret blog that husband won't know about. haha. I always feel like crap about myself after being around them. They take Justin shopping and buy him anything he glances at, take him for a haircut and pay for it, give him money and tell him over and over how wonderful he is and how proud they are of him. Those are fine things I suppose, but then I barely get a nod and a second glance the entire time they are here. I busted my ass getting everything ready for Justin's graduation party and worked all f'ing week besides (overtime so I could have Friday off for graduation) without any help from Justin or any of his family. I'm also carrying their friggen grandchild and have basically raised their son because they didn't teach him a fucking thing about real life and being a damn grown up!

Why the hell do I care what they think about me? Why do I care that they treat me like such shit? I feel like a nasty slave that their son brought home and they are disappointed. Justin always treats me differently when they are around as well and so the effect carries on for a few days even after they leave.

Justin's dad died when he was a little boy and whenever I'm feeling shitty around his parents I can't help but wonder what things would be like if he were still alive and the "step dad" weren't around. I've heard how wonderful his dad was and how everybody loved him. Crazy how his mom could go from one extreme to the other.

It's been a bit of a lonely day here and I'm plagued by bitterness--that's nothing new, eh?

I'm ready to be done being the one who carries our household. There is so much pressure in that role, especially when a baby is on the way. Why doesn't anyone else understand that? If they do understand, why don't they help me try to do something about it?

Nearing the end of my twenty-something era I feel very strange. Tomorrow is my 29th birthday and it's mind-boggling for me to think that when I turn 30 I'll be a mom. Me? A mom?? What are we thinking? I'm about to to begin my 2nd trimester of pregnancy and so far haven't been "glowing" or felt any surge of joy or anything remotely close. I feel scared and a little mad at myself for thinking this could be the "right time" for us to move forward with starting a family.

Our first wedding anniversary is in about a week and a half and I feel pride at having not only survived, but mostly enjoyed the past year. Everyone always says that the first year is the worst and if you can survive that, you'll be ok. I don't know if that's any advice to live by, but it gives me hope.

I called on one of my choice teaching jobs today and was informed they are in the final selection stage and will be calling the chosen candidates for interviews and sending the rest letters. I've been getting so many letters I could cry. I have cried.

I do that quite a bit lately.

Beyond Forgiveness?

Sometimes we make poor choices in life. I never really thought that anything would qualify is "unforgivable." I used to work with young adults with developmental disabilities. From the moment I met these new friends to the moment I quit working at their house, I loved it. It was all of the bullshit that I got tired of. People in the human services field are always trying to justify their existence by pushing paper and programs and make the people who actually do the "work" feel like they are less than worthy of fair and reasonable treatment.

I tried to be part of the solution for a very long time and nothing ever changed. I gave up a lot in my life for these people and was that ever recognized? Working countless new year's eve, coming back early from my own family Christmas, filling in when everyone else would shit on me and my friends. I was always there. Why was my loyalty being challenged by some woman who walks in and thinks she knows everything? Why was I, who have known these people and lived with them for years and felt like I would give everything for them, treated like such crap? How long was I supposed to tolerate treatment like that? I wasn't the only one who went to management on multiple leves and the parent. My reasonableness was met with nothing other than a deaf ear.

Enough! It was the most difficult decision I had to make, but it was long overdue that I stood up for myself, since nobody else cared. I quit.

I felt like I abandoned my own children. I have regretted it since day one but was too stubborn and figured it was too late to do anything about it.

I recently sent an e-mail to the parent asking if she could consider forgiving me and stated that I miss the "kids" terribly.

Her response in a nutshell---I'm beyond forgiveness and it would be horrible for the kids to have contact with me.

Why do I feel like a child molester? It's quite an enormous amount of power I allowed her and I wonder what makes me think she's worthy of such a thing? I was always so desperate for her approval and again question why?

It's quite sad really. I hear things through the grapevine about the current state of their house and the people that work there and condition of the "kids" when others have seen them in public and wonder how everyone in "power" there feels things are now. I guess if you have a staff of regular drug users you are able to better control them. I would question at what expense?

Why do I automatically think that I am the one that needs to be asking for forgiveness anyway?

Sad.

I am sad today.

I walked to work today so I could have time alone and cry.

Sad.

Blah!

I feel like crap the last couple days. My boobs hurt so bad! I feel like I have babies hanging from my nipples! The extreme stress of my job only makes everything worse. I have got to find something else---NOW! I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy under this much stress and imagine after I have the baby. To be quite honest, I'm scared. So many things will be changing in the coming months and adding a baby to it all makes it 1000 times more terrifying.

Dear God, please send some good news our way soon.

Through Pregnancy & Beyond

Today is the first day in my mere 6 weeks of pregnancy that I actually felt a little "different." It was more of an emotional thing than physical. I felt a bit of what I might call a hormonal surge (?) It first happened when I was on the treadmill this morning. I was doing some interval jog/walk routine and all of a sudden I felt like crying. Of course my mind was like, "what the hell is the matter with you?" I wasn't thinking about anything in particular--actually I was dwelling on the fact that I want to stay very active throughout my pregnancy because I am mortified at the thought of gaining much weight because I'm already bigger than I should be (pregnant or not). It wasn't something I was necessarily SAD about though. I talked myself out of it and then this morning I was at work and was moderately busy on the phone and trying to wrap up some claims when it happened again. This time I know I wasn't thinking about anything specific--just doing robotic duties at the office. I felt like at any moment I would burst into tears. I just kept quiet and did my work.

I'm a great worker, but usually it's out of character for me to be so quiet and to myself where I work. We are a social group of folks here and our bitch of a manager is on vacation until March 20th, so we are free to converse (while working our asses off by the way). Well, I walked over to Rich's desk to ask a question about a claim and he says, "Hey Lillich, you're pretty stuck up over in your corner."

I got choked up and MADE myself hold it back and throw back some smart ass remark without turning around so he could see my eyes.

How PATHETIC!

I'll admit to being sensitive & emotional sometimes with certain people (husband mostly). NEVER ever to this extent. It's interesting to see what the next 8-9 months hold for me (us).

So far no cravings or morning sickness or anything like that. I've been continuing to get up every morning and exercise for at least 45 minutes (The Firm aerobics & treadmill on alternating days). I think the only thing I've noticed a changed tolerance for is garlic. I love garlic & cooking with it is one of my favorite things, but now it's quickly moving down my list of favorite smells. Yesterday I was going to have a piece of carrot cake after lunch and about 4 bites into it I felt like barfing. I hardly ever have anything with sugar, but carrot cake is one of my favorite sweets that I have maybe once every 6 months. I ended up throwing it away. Last night I tried to have some sugar free chocolate pudding and was gagging after a couple tastes of that as well.

Back to this weight business though. I'm a very health-concious individual. I have not always been that way though. I've spent the last several years doing a complete transformation and it is most certainly a lifestyle I am thrilled to continue and maintain for the rest of my existence. I still have work ahead of me to try to combat the years of not caring about my body. That's one of my regrets I suppose with the pregnancy is that I am not further ahead in my weight loss before becoming pregnant. I've been obsessively reading up on pregnancy nutrition and weight gain and also discussed with my nurse practitioner on Wednesday that I do not have to fulfill any nutritional needs right now. Of course I need to take my prenatal vitamins and other supplements but as far as increasing caloric intake--not necessary. My goal is to keep me weight gain to 15 pounds or less. Is that unrealistic? I don't think so. I've also been reading about pregnancy fitness and it appears I don't need to adjust my workouts at all, until the last month maybe. I need to be careful not to become too overheated and I'm obviously not going to go play back to back games of full court basketball, but there is no reason to change anything I've been doing!

That makes me extremely happy!

Now, if I can find a cure for sore boobies I'll be set!

I hope like hell this is my last winter in Bemidji! The other day we got totally dumped on! Husband took some photos of the aftermath. How many days until Spring arrives?

The other day after I had worked out, I was bored & wondered what I looked like if someone were "looking down" on me (yeah, don't ask why). It's easy enough to answer that question with a camera! I'm not a sick pervert or anything, just love to experiment with the camera and stuff! Deal with it.

So, BIG news. I took a couple home pregnancy tests this weekend and they were positive for baby in my belly! I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner yesterday & confirmed that indeed there is a little peanut growing inside of me and sometime late October/early November I will be dropping a human being from between my legs!

Holy Crap!

Feeling a little sneaky & playful!

Funny Story?

Last Friday I was supposed to have a facial & body mud mask thing because this "spa" was running a special deal for the last week of February. Unfortunately we got nearly a foot of snow and I had to reschedule. I don't know what I was thinking scheduling it for Monday at 6pm. Even on a GREAT day I NEVER am done at 6pm. Today was not even close to a great day. We had a shit storm of claims and I was all over the place looking at vehicles and completing in-person contacts. Of course 3 of my vehicles ended up being total losses as well. Imagine a 1990 Beretta with minimal damage--the guy was shocked that it costs more to repair it than it would to total it. ALSO ends up that I used to work with this guy back in high school! The day was just full of strange kinds of things.

Only by the grace of God was I able to shove some stuff onto tomorrow's schedule and make it to my appointment at 6:05pm.

I am led into this back room by a lady who just came in from having a cigarette and was coughing about 4.3 pints of mucus. Then she hands me a gown that I mistook for a skirt kind of thing and I walk into the treatment room wearing my satin blue bra & this wierd velcro fabric as a skirt. She started laughing and told me it was supposed to be to wrap around my top and that I was supposed to keep my pants on (?). I'm like, "uhhhh, I thought I was having a facial and a mud treatment."
"You are, but we'll just do your top today!"

oooohhh kay then!

I feel humiliated for some silly reason and go adjust my attire.

I come back and she's doing my facial and all of a sudden farts louder than all hell near my face when she was turned around to get a towel! Then I happened to have a tiny teeny red spot on my left shoulder & she started to pick at it! I swatted her hand away and was like, "I just remembered I have to be somewhere, so when you are done with the facial that will be all for today."

The remaining time there I kept thinking, "why can't I stand up to her and tell her I am not satisfied with her service or the fact that her stinky hands were on my face and smelled like ashtray?" I kept silent and even thanked her when it was all said and done!

Sometimes I think things like that are my fault--like I have some f'ed up lesson to learn. I always do that.

I have a clean face now. Was it worth $45? I'll get back to you on that.

Woooohoooo! 

I don't know why, but I was sort of nervous for this gig last night. Husband was full of good things to say & took a photo just as we were preparing to walk out the door. 

Husband was experimenting with the camera settings last night. Maybe I should explain a little bit about where we even were! The University had its annual scholarship fundraiser for the music department--The Snow Ball. Tickets cost an arm and a leg, but it's fun to do something different--get dressed up, have a fabulous dinner, and listen to great jazz. One thing we didn't quite expect was to be the youngest couple there by 15-20 years! It was mostly one of those small town you should be seen here if you're anybody that matters kind of things. Of course husband and I don't really matter to anyone in this town, so we only knew about 4 people there (who don't know us). hahahahha. 

Last night's main course was some sort of pork something or other. Before being served, we played a game similar to Hot Potato, but with a rose and whoever was stuck holding the rose when the music stopped had to carve the pork. We had to get a photo! 

I found this photo while digging on the computer. This is huband and I the day before our wedding with his awesome cousins (who were in our wedding) Clinton & Aubrey! I miss you guys. Hopefully we'll see you all very soon! 

Other than our wedding, this is the first time I've seen my husband in a tuxedo! He was looking extremely handsome last night (as usual)! 

This is the jazz ensemble that played last night. I was wishing we had taken some dancing lessons so we could enjoy it a little more than we did. However, we were in good company--I think the only people who really knew what they were doing were the people who teach ballroom dancing in Bemidji.  

ok, this option of collage doesn't really make much sense for posting on here---agree? 

I'm just messing around with some photos of husband & I in Picasa. I took 2 snapshots of us from last night & made a photopile collage. I'm just getting started!! Weeeeee! 

I'm trying to add more than one photo per post & am having little success! Husband was a sleepy boy after the ball last night. Sister & I snagged a photo. 

This is me, morning after snow ball--messy hair, no make up & a smile for my man. 

Husband painted my toenails the other day--almost feels like summer! 

FISHING FUN


I'm back from a wild weekend of "fishing." Unfortunately not much fishing took place, so I had plenty of time to document my weekend with photos! Layering several pants & shirts, getting up early, and dealing with a drippy nose & runny eyes were the highlight of the weekend.

The last few years we always meant to stop & take a picture of Kansas City Road off of Hwy 72. Husband is from KC & you can imagine the excitement of traveling down a cold Minnesota road in the middle of nowhere & seeing this!











This is my sexy husband posing for a perverted photos with his brat. So silly!





Here's a photos of my holes!


It's amazing what you can do with a camera when you are bored!









Here's what husband and I have to say to the fish who managed to evade us yet again!

It's Thursday evening and I should get to packing for my fishing trip this weekend. I have to stop in Baudette on my way to fishing to do estimates on 2 different vehicles. It gets me out of the office a little earlier & I can do some work on the drive there as well.
The apartment interview got moved to Tuesday of this week & I wasn't able to go because of work. Husband went & apparently the whole salary arrangement has changed & it doesn't make sense for us to even consider the position. I wasn't excited about the position, but was sort of elated at the prospect of being done at my current job. Oh well, time for me to just suck it up and be a man--that's what I feel like most days. I work more than full time & pay all the of the bills and do what is typically a male-oriented job. I like to think my tits and great smile make life a little easier in this role. It feels wierd to never see money from my paychecks--husband pays the bills with "our" money & lets me know if we have any to spare for pizza and a bottle of wine like last night. I would have much rather just hit the wine after the days I've had.
I'm resigning myself to the fact that I'm stuck in my position for a while and that's how it's got to be. Anyone have advice on how to make that tolerable? I'm curious what works for others in similar situations.

Sometimes I wonder why some things come so easily to some people and are a constant struggle for others. Mostly life, I guess. Some people don't even appear to try--how do they get away with it (and maybe even have a clear conscience?). I think of some of my relatives who just don't pay bills or bother keeping a job or finding their own place to live or do the little things for others that matter and nobody expects anything more from them...but if I just decided not to remember someone's birthday or follow-up on some significant event (like that would even ever happen!), then I'm a selfish bitch.

I also wonder how I can bust ass this morning and get a ton of stuff accomplished in an hour, but someone else can't even do half of that in an entire day. It's amazing how easily people are humored into thinking they are being productive! Get a friggen clue.

I'm just your average ordinary female. I'm not above anything and work myself hard...maybe that's the problem, not everyone has the same work ethic or expectations of themselves. Soooo, why do I have such high standards for myself?

Answer: because someone has to do all the shit you lazy fuckers DON'T do!

This is the face of your friendly insurance adjuster!
BEWARE!

It's "hump day" in a normal person's work week. Every day is that in my work week. I have been working in the insurance industry since August in an attempt to support the lifestyle of my husband and I until he is done with school and we live in a location with more opportunity.

What do I mean by more opportunity? I love to teach. The career of a teacher is not only rewarding but a hell of a lot LESS stressful than any other job I've had---maybe because it is so rewarding...or something. I have so many thoughts and feelings in me right now that I know I am not going to make any sense here. So fuck being poetic or anything like that. I should also share that I hate my husband's laptop computer. I'm typing on the pile right now and the cursor keeps relocating within my text even when I conciously keep my meaty hands off the mouse pad thingy.

I hate my job. It's not the kind of hate where it's just a drag to go, but it sucks the everliving life out of me in every way imagineable (I don't think I'm spelling that correctly, it doesn't look right with the e before the a, but I don't want to check; mostly I'm writing this is a disclaimer in case it is wrong and in case anyone actually reads this rambling and makes a mental note of it being wrong). I deal with people when they have damage to their vehicles. Vehicles are a big part of people's lives--they use them to get to work, to transport children, to have fun, to get groceries, to go to the doctor, to deliver papers and pizza and all kinds of crap. When something happens to prevent any one or all of those things from happening, folks aren't usually in a good mood. That's where I come in. I'm the lucky one who assesses your coverage---you'd be surprised how many people have no idea what kind of (if any) insurance coverage they have on their vehicle!! This is always when people regret that high deductibles they selected in order to pay cheaper premiums.

Just so you know---your premiums cover more than just damage to YOUR vehicle, assholes!! You are also covered in the event that you cause damage to someone else's property (signs, guardrails, cars, bikes, houses, lightpoles, garage doors, dogs, toolboxes--just to name a few that I've had to afford coverage for). Your coverage also includes medical bills for YOU and your passengers in an event of an accident. Maybe you also pay for car rental or roadside assistance. There's also bodily injury coverage in case you injure someone in another vehicle or a pedestrian--this is above and beyond their medical bills by the way.

Did you know that Minnesota is a NO FAULT state---which has NOTHING NOTHING NOT A FUCKING THING to do with liability (stated simply: who is at fault for the accident). No fault simply means that in ANY accident in Minnesota, each parties medical bills will be paid for by their OWN insurance company NO matter who is at fault. This is decided by your legislature NOT by insurance companies. This is to protect you in the event that you were hit by someone without insurance and you have medical bills or in the event that liability is not immediately determined---then your shit is paid for--and not by YOU!

I'm tired of police officers showing up to accident scenes and telling people that Minnesota is a no fault state so it's nobody's fault. Fuck you officer! Learn some basics in insurance before you start giving people wrong information.

So once I find coverage for you fools, I do an estimate on your vehicle. I hate cars. People place far too much value on their vehicles. What you have a 1992 Pontiac Grand Prix and you think it's one of the nicest vehicles in the Fargo-Moorhead area??? Have you recently been a recipient of some work on "Pimp My Ride"....DOUBTFUL! Be realistic. Nearly every insurance policy states the obligation to restore your vehicle to its PRE PRE PRE PREEEE-accident condition. If your '92 grand prix is a piece of shit before you get in a fender bender, it is NOT my responsibility to restore it to 2006 condition. You pay '92 premiums, so I'll restore you to '92 condition, shithead! Stop bitching about insurance companies writing for used parts on your estimate! If your vehicle had not been in an accident, would you say your fender was a piece of shit? So why is a fender off off your same model year vehicle or NEWER so bad?

Once I write your estimate then I have to deal with the shop you choose to have your repairs made---another thing in Minnesota--it's the law that you have the right to choose your repair shop. You do not have to go around collecting friggen estimates and all that bullshit. I wish people would catch up.

I hate dealing with mechanics and any other people who are in the car or car care business. Ya'll make way too much money and are slimey as shit (except for about 4 of you that I've dealt with in my job and unfortunately you are a minority).

Summary: I love people, but I HATE customers. Don't be such assholes to people who are trying to help you. I have a bitch boss who micromanages and forgets that I have my master's degree and am only in this shithole until husband finishes school and we flee this God-forsaken territory for a better life.

I can't reconcile the fact that this IS temporary because everyday I feel sick going to work and cry a lot at the end of the day. It's such an unnatural feeling to know so much about cars and to look at random vehicles when I drive through town for NONwork tasks and assess damage to vehicles with dents or missing pieces. I HATE THIS! I'm a damn english teacher.

I have applied for jobs that I would rather not do to help keep my sanity and my marriage---food service worker at the elementary school? I'm your girl! Welder of patio furniture? Sign me up! Manager of an income-subsidized apartment building--HELL YEAH!
Husband and I actually have an interview on Sunday with the apartment people and I don't want to get excited in case it doesn't pan out because I honestly can't take the disappointment anymore. However, if the interview goes well, it sounds like we'd move in and start ASAP. Wednesday is the first of February and that means this week could possibly be my last week as an insurance adjuster. If we get offered the job on the spot on Sunday, that's it. I'm calling my boss's voicemail 5 seconds later and telling her to shove it. There is not way in HELL that any teaching position is going to bother caring about an insurance job as a reference and I don't have to put them on my resume. This company has shit on me soooo many times I can't even begin to share--maybe for another late night post when I'm furious and don't know what to do about it.

Corporate work is for people who have no soul.