I made her…
She is different, she’s unique.
With love I formed her in her
Mother’s womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure,
The day I created her.

I love her smile.
I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh
And the silly things she says and does
She brings me great pleasure.
This is how I made her.

I made her pretty and not beautiful,
because I knew her heart, and I
knew she would be vain.
I wanted her to search out her
heart, and to learn that it would
be me in her that would draw friends to her.

I made her in such a way, that she would need me.
I made her a little more lonesome that she would like to be.
Only because I needed for her to learn to depend on me.
I knew her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget me…her creator.

I have given her many good and happy things…because I love her.

Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart…
and the tears she cried alone.
I have cried with her, and had a broken heart, too.

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold my hand.
So many lessons she’s learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice.

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone.
Only to watch her return to my arms, sad and broken.

And now she’s mine again…
I made her, then I bought her…
because I love her.

I have to reshape and remold her…
to renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for me.

I want her to be conformed to my image…
This high goal I have set for her,
because I love her.

The hardest work a woman ever does is to smile when it's the last thing in the world she feels like doing.

I'm feeling sort of sad today and don't know what to do about it. It's mostly the result of being on the tail-end of sick and feeling lonely. I saw a bunch of my good friends this weekend. We haven't all been together in about two years. It was such a wonderful time, but made me very sad to come home. I miss those times. The year that we all were inseperable was easily the best year of my life. The only thing that will top that is when I can be with Justin in person for more than a temporary visit.

I find myself evaluating who I am now, compared to who I was then (when all my friends lived here). We've all changed, but not as much as I thought. The core of our friendship was still as strong as ever and I miss who I was then as well. We all need people. It's not good for anyone to be alone all the time. I, more than anyone else in the entire world, can attest to that. It's hard to be happy when the best times of your life are behind you and in front of you, but not happening right now. It's a tough balancing act to continually feel loss and hope at the same time.

So, needy Stacey really wants someone to reach out to her right now. The attempts I've made today weren't very fruitful, due to nobody's fault, it's just that life happens. Lawnwork needs to be done, bar needs to be tended, naps need to be taken. Three strikes is my maximum, so I settled for some time by the lake. Now I'm home as the "kids" are out for a couple hours and think I'm going to go veg. on the living room couch so as to avoid thinking for a while. I suspect I'll go back to the lake this evening...although unpacking would make more sense. I really dislike things undone.

Ho-hum.

I leave today to spend a week of heaven with my bear!!!!!!!!!

I want to go for a jog to burn off some of this energy, but it's gloom and doom rain. Blah. I think I'll settle for a little stretching and ab workout after I eat some breakfast.

It feels so good to be loved like this.

I received a wonderful surprise from my boy and some co-workers!!! All behind my back, they purchased tickets and got me a week off to head to Kansas to be with my man!!!!!!!!!! I am in eternal bliss having him in my life.

I'm so angry!
My sister was visiting and while she was here, her car window was punched in and her cd's and cd player stolen. There was blood all over her seats from the fucker that did this. I called law enforcement to come and do a report for my sister for insurance purposes. While they were here, they told us that just a few houses down someone's entire car was stolen. I guess my sister is "fortunate" in that respect. Ass. This makes me so mad. Why my sister, of all people, and not me??? She doesn't deserve this. I suppose nobody DESERVES it, but I tend to believe in karma and Sarah is such a "good" person. Except for last night when I made her steal a couple dollars off the table next to us when we were leaving the restaurant because neither of us had enough money to include a tip. The people who left just before us left an outstanding tip. Yeah, I'm already going to hell, I know it, but my sister was forced to be an accomplice in my mayhem. Poor girl. Look what happens.

I'm drunk.

Not because I'm drunk, I miss my baby bear like crazzzzzzzy.

I can't wait to talk to him tomorrow and tell him how much I love him and miss him.

I wish he was the one I was snuggling into bed with tonight.

Just got back from the gym---spent nearly 2 hours there thinking about my bear and wanting to make him proud. I am so excited to talk to him tomorrow and hear all about his weekend.

My love treated me to a special package in the mail today. We purchased our tickets this week for him to stay here for 2 weeks in Sept. and for me to go there over Thanksgiving for a week. I am completely enamored by the treasure that is he and since I got back from my jog, I can only snuggle up in bed with the sweet smelling gift he sent me (it's a secret).

The best gift of all were his words. He wrote me a poem that I am so proud to share.

To be as special as you,
the world must turn to star.
In my eyes you're brilliant,
shimmering in the natural light.
Never in a life can one
have grown so lucky
to have met an angel
and captured her heart
away from heaven.

Love always,
Justin "Bear"

He is gone for the weekend at the lake with his best friend, Clint, and I look forward to the time where he can relax and "be a guy" and I can fantasize about all the ways I want to make him happy for the rest of his life. I am the luckiest woman alive to know love like this.

I've been neglecting posting here for a while. Life has had a lot of changes over the last several weeks. I finished the semester by some great miracle that I never thought I'd see! I also have fallen in love--another great miracle that I never thought I'd see. I've never in my life felt what I feel with this man. I've never in my life told a man that I love him, yet, after a mere 7 weeks and 1 day I know that he is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I couldn't have possibly created a man more perfect for me, this is true. In this short time, he has seen me at my worst and probably has yet to see me at my best and still says he loves me! Just the other day he sent me an email that I have to share simply because I couldn't have imagined that this kind of love would ever happen to me...to Stacey...it always happens to someone else...

Here I am, sitting at the computer thinking of something grand and highly original to say to you. Last night's conversation was wonderful. I loved you so much when we hung up last night that I had to sit and think about it for awhile. I have discovered the reason why I love you so much and so readily. I really feel that life without you would have been terrible. I really do. Think about that day, April 12th it was. We've talked about this before, but I think it bares repeating here. It could have never happened. EVER! How crazy am I to continue thinking about it? Well, I'll tell you. Simply put, having you in my life has enriched me so much. I find that I am interested in new things that I would have never thought to look into if it wasn't for you. Things like the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" for example. That book touched me in so many ways and
I feel so much closer to you for having received it from you and read it. It truly touched me and I love you for that. This idea of being touched to my very soul is what makes me love you. You said the other night that you wondered why I loved you sometimes. Well, that's it. Right there, plain as day. I love you because you are full of meaning. Intricate things that make you who you are. I've come to appriciate the ways in which you touch me by letting me see inside you. You are so open and honest with me that I cannot believe that anyone could be more so. You are an enlightening woman, Stacey Steinkopf, and I would be so honored to have you in my life for the
rest of it. To that end, I would also like to say to you that I have never had anything resembling what we have with any other girl. You are by far the greatest treasure that I have ever found in this world and I thank God everyday that I wake up and know you are somewhere in my life. That somewhere is at the head of it. Stacey, as many times as I say this you're probably tired of hearing it (or not, which is good too) but you are truly the most lovely woman in my eyes. Everything you are is wonderful to me. Each time we talk it's as if I have discovered something wonderful that's only for me. I feel special just to be able to say "Stacey Steinkopf? Yeah, I know her. She's the best." It will probably embarass you to hear that last statement, but humility is one thing that makes you the woman you are. You are never cocky, you give credit
where it's due, and you find time to be a help to others. You make me so proud in everything you do that I just have to say it a million times a day and it still doesn't feel like enough. Stacey, I find something in you that I just cannot get over. It's many things really, but they are all you. Every part of you is special and I love you for letting me into your world and showing me that love truly exists in this reality. Thank you so much for knowing me and wanting to have me in your life. It's a very wonderful experience that I hope will never end.


I love you baby.

Justin

To have this love, I am the one who is truly blessed. May God grant you all the gift of feeling like this some day.

I stumbled upon this site that is a daily journaling prompt thing. I need to get back into some writing just for me and think this will be a great way to trigger some thoughts and ideas, especially for my upcoming memoir writing class.

Today's question is: If you could accomplish only one thing in the rest of your life, what would it be?

This is a very difficult question for me. There are so many things I want to accomplish that to choose just one FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, wow! nearly impossible. For the sake of answering, my instinct is to say "Find true love" but is that something I can "accomplish" or is it something that just happens or doesn't happen.

I want to truly know someone as my soulmate. I DO believe such a thing exists and that there is one person created for each of us.

However, not so long ago, after a handful of miserable experiences in the dating world, I told my mom I was never dating again, much less getting married. To which she replied, "Do you really think it's up to you?" (Insinuating that God would decide.)

My response: "If God wants me to even consider getting married, the man of my dreams is going to have to show up at my doorstep, escorted by 2 angels, holding a certified letter signed in the blood of Jesus Christ! THENNNNNN maybe I'll consider the idea."

Love, come and get me, I dare ya.

I'm not sure what the Ms. Weiner stuff was all about, but now it works from home...hmmm...

Anyway, I'm irritated. Not about the Weiner thing anymore, but about this bitchass hoe who is a nurse where I live/work. Not only with her, but also the other girl who is here working with the kids tonight.

I made chili for dinner tonight. Vegetarian chili. Now, vegetarian chili usually means not made with meat and using vegetarian beans also...well, MY vegetarian chili includes VEGETABLES. Is that so bad?

The punkass nurse comes in and says, "Oh my, what smells so good?"

The shitty staff, "Stacey made chili for dinner tonight."

"Ohhhhhh! WIth carrots? How, um, interesting!" as the nurse leans her friggen face over the chili to inhale.

"Yeah, there are carrots and celery and cucumber and God only knows what else!" the shitty staff says sarcastically.

"Those are NOT cucumbers, they are zuccini! There is a difference!" I yell from my computer upstairs.

WHORESSSSSSSSSSSSS. Open up your f'ing mind you red neck honkies.

Ok, i'm trying to post to this blog and when i attempt to open the url it's about some author...jennifer weiner.......hmmmmmmm

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,
B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy,"she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when
we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's encased in a plum-colored Victoria's Secret Angel bra.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Sweetie, it' because you're 23."

sorry, one more time.

testing again, trying to get comments to work.

testing

Goinggggggg outttttt offffff townnnnn.

Weeeeeeeeeeeee.

...so out of anything to motivate me to keep going this semester...
I want to:
quit school
quit work
tell work to fuck off
move
change my name
start over
never see another retarded person in my life
sell my soul for enough money to have complete reconstructive surgery on my ugly self
(not necessarily in that order)

As corky the retard sang, "Obla dee obla da, life goes on" whether I like it or not.

Studio Tours Part II
I’m excited that this is (hopefully) the last time I have to do this.
I’ll be painfully honest in saying that my engine has run out of steam. I think it’s this shitty weather. It’s like kryptonite to my attitude and ambition.

I’m asking 99.9 points for this assignment, .1 points taken off for my shitty attitude.

Anyway…

Femina Mosaic

I have been reading this blog since Faith created it a few weeks ago, without reading the new project proposal. It’s interesting to me that it takes on new meaning now understanding the thought behind it. The writing is all there and still the same, but how I read and interact with it is not.

While reading it before, I view myself as an outsider—someone just nosing around, enjoying the writing, without allowing myself to establish little connection. More than not allowing, I wasn’t even considering the idea. Until reading in her project proposal:

“It is my belief, that the way that women hold each other up and communicate with each other is a source of great strength in our lives. Indirectly, we all benefit from this. I want to explore this form of communication by providing a writing space for women to share what they wish about their lives.”

I am a woman. This appeal to be “let in” on something more than just reading someone’s online journal made me connect to the posts in an entirely new way. I like that. Connection!

When I first received the invite to join this blog, I didn’t respond, assuming it was another one of those accidental mass invites. Now, I’m excited to participate and communicate with the other amazing women already there.

The title is perfect for the intent of the blog and I see this project continuing well outside the end of the semester. Faith is creating bonds, bonds that are not confined to any boundaries but those of the technical realm (which are hell sometimes!). I could see that the time constraint of beginning the blog mid-semester would affect the class of seeing how the communication would evolve, but I hope I’m there and a participant when it does!
p.s. for reader convenience, could you create a link on your project proposal to your blog?

“Sweet Caroline. Dah dah da. Good times never seemed so good!”
Again, I’m fortunate to be writing about a blog I frequently visit. I’m so blessed.

I feel I should start by saying that Caroline should become a participant in the Femina Mosaic blog (if she is not already).

In Caroline’s proposal, she says that her intent is to “create a blog that discusses main areas of my personal life, school life and just life in general. I will use the blog to journal about my diabetes, my school life as an older than average student, my favorite tool (my computer) and what I do in my free time.”

She covers each of those topics in her almost daily posts. She is faithful to her blog and the posts usually start out talking about class and school schedule and then a general run down of what her day includes.

Having been a regular reader of her blog from the very beginning, I admit to seeing a little less “Caroline” in the posts lately. Yes, she covers the above mentioned topics, but as a reader (not that she’s writing for me, but allow me to throw my 2 cents out there) I sometimes wonder about things BEYOND what she does.

For example, an excerpt from today’s post (4/20):
“So last night my husband set up the baskets without me, again with the chocolate. Then we delivered the baskets to bedroom doors at 6 am. I snoozed for another hour, before starting the Sunday morning routine of getting kids up one at a time, for the shower. At 10 we were at church, 'til 1. We had an early dinner, so the teens who had to work could have a Sunday dinner with us, it went really well. My husband can cook anytime he wants, well maybe. He made Baked Alaska from a recipe from a co-worker. It was good, but too much frosting. This from someone who can eat frosting from the container. “

That’s a lot of dang information packed into one paragraph!

I found myself wondering how the kids react to their Easter baskets. They are teens, do they care? Were they excited? Did they sleepily trip over them on their way to the shower? Does church always lost from 10-1? How did Caroline feel about her teens having to work on Easter? Does this obviously caring mom wish she could have her family home? etc. etc.

Although, I know Caroline has 6 writing classes this semester, so going into an elaboration on the blog may be very low priority on her list. Not only that, but this could be an intentional move on her part.

The posts vary in length, it seems depending on the day’s activities. It’s clear that Caroline is really “in to” her blog and the act of blogging. It’s a great diary for any woman to have at the end of the day to realize just how productive she is!

Keep being sweet, Caroline.


Traveling Back in Time With Ayleen

I have a real aversion for in progress wikis. I felt disappointed that I would get to Ayleen at around 10 years old and then stop. This is obviously a work in progress and not me commenting on Ayleen’s work. It is simply an observation I make about my reading wikis vs. blogs. I wonder how this project would be in blog form. I think that would be next to impossible to do. Since the current time passing has nothing to do with the past…or something. I’m getting off track, sorry.

I think this is a great idea for a project and is definitely fun to be reading and checking back on. The site map is a MAJOR necessity and I recommend putting a link to that closer to the top of middle of the page, rather than the bottom. I’ve gone through the wiki without following the site map and it’s possible to navigate, but more confusion than the reader “should” have. Ayleen’s expertise in creating the site map is brilliant. Show it off.

Ayleen is a techno-mastermind and it clearly shows in her layout and organization of the wiki.

It’s interesting to read her memories in comparison to her mom’s of the same time period. I hope she sees this project through to completion. I recall reading in Caroline’s revised project proposal that Ayleen was experiencing some “ho-hum” feelings toward this wiki. I could see running out of steam for a big project such as this, but keep with it!!

Alyeen does a good job of having a variety of links in the text and making sure there is a link to “home” on each page. Dr. Morgan learned her well.

I find myself curious how it is to do a project wiki with another person, especially outside the class. Easy? Difficult? I look forward to Ayleen’s end of the term report to learn answers to those questions.

Can't feel legs...seriously overworked muscles at gym today...last day of my life as a 25 yr. old.

Give me sleep or give me death.

Last night was a little better for sleep. My body and mind finally gave in about 2:30 this morning, only 4 hours after I tried going to bed. I think a nap is in order for this afternoon, before bible study tonight.

It looks like it's going to be another beautiful day outside. I'm loving this. I hope it keeps up for this weekend. I'm excited to get out of town.

I have GOT to shake this bout of insomnia! I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night for almost a week now. Today was the worst. I felt like I had the worst hangover and couldn't hold a conversation to save my life. Fortunately, I was able to come home at the end of the day and collapse on my bed into deep sleep...finally. Hopefully that doesn't keep me from sleeping well tonight.

I think it's the combination of the time change, the dramatic weather change, my 26th birthday in a few days (it's bothering me more than I'm letting on), the end of the semester is in view, etc....

Ok, I have too much work to do to be wasting my time here.

You think my blog is dull? The most exciting person in the world referred me to the dullest blog in the world. Enjoy!

Response to Birkerts

The most difficult thing about doing these response assignments is trying to decide which “hat” I want to wear while I approach the material. I find myself reading certain ideas as a student, and then shifting to the role of teacher, reading things in a much different way. While reading the chapters from Birkerts, I not only bounced between those two identities, but in addition to that, I was just plain Stacey—avid reader.

It’s my fear of commitment that has caused me to respond to Birkerts’ chapter 8 touching on each of the three identities I just mentioned.

Stacey the Student

Birkerts raises a very interesting issue of the electronic age affecting our historical tradition. He states, “The underlying question, avoided by many, may be not only whether the tradition is relevant, but whether it might be too taxing for students to comprehend.” My initial reaction to that, as a student, is that I feel like what is expected of me, as opposed to students even 10 years ago, has dramatically decreased. What’s wrong with a student being taxed? I’m guilty of being a lazy thinker and often am surprised at how little is expected of me as a student, because educators don’t want to overload students.

The premise Birkerts points out is “…If electronic media are the one thing that the young are at ease with, why not exploit the fact?” As a student, I love the idea of my education conforming to what is familiar to me. Technology is modern and interactive and appeals in a very deliberate “what you see is what you get” kind of way. It changes as quickly as we are introduced to it that it leaves me with a no-commitment, fly by night, less appreciated view of what I’m learning. I feel less pressure to meet standards as I see accommodations being made all the time to suite today’s students. At what point did the education system feel so pressured to adapt itself for individuals, rather than individuals adapt to get through the system?

Are they (the system and the students) any better off while it has changed?

This is the perfect place to transition to:

Stacey the Teacher

Birkerts raises questions regarding Calabrese’s observation on the preconditioning of students, saying, “Should we suppose that American education will begin to tailor itself to the aptitudes of its students, presenting more and more of its materials in newly packaged forms? And what will happen when educators find that not very many of the old materials will “play”—that is, capture student enthusiasm? Is the what of learning to be determined by the how?”

As a teacher, there is extreme pressure to present material in such a way that engages the students. I often feel like the responsibility is solely my own and that the students EXPECT me to make things fun and exciting and to make the connections for them. Sometimes the thinking of “If they don’t care, why should I?” makes it’s way to my head. In high school and various post-secondary courses, I couldn’t imagine having anything other than the approach of: This is the material, this is what you should know by the end of the class, let’s get to it!

The first time education adapted to ME, I was exhilarated, delighted, and didn’t miss a day of class. I also became very disappointed when classes that followed weren’t like that. Having experienced both sides of the fence makes me want to be the kind of teacher that will adapt material where needed for the success of my classroom. But, is it simply the success of my classroom and less the success of the students? If I can see the expectations in education lowering as a student, I definitely feel that as a teacher. I agree with Birkerts in the grave affect it’s having in our classrooms. Technology does so much of the thinking for students. Birkerts says, “Many educators say that our students are less and less able to read, or analyze, or write with clarity and purpose. Who can blame the students? Everything they meet with the world around them gives the signal: That was then, and electronic communications are now.”

In my classroom, I’m amazed at the low functionality that some of the students are coming to college with. I wonder how they made it through their own high school commencement when they can’t read or write above an 8th grade level. What I struggle with is trying to discover how I can raise the standards? If they come in to my classroom at such low levels, having out of range expectations, which at one time were standard, serve no purpose. So, again, adaptation wins out. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse. What’s the answer? I really want to talk about this with someone. Any takers?

Stacey the Reader

Just the other day I was having a conversation with someone about online books. I love to read, but have an extremely difficult time reading large amounts and for extended time periods on the computer. I like the completeness that a book offers. In my trying to find the difference between hypertext and hypermedia last week, I recall reading the words “perpetually unfinished” in a piece. That is how I feel when reading hypertext. I think people take for granted the security that goes with reading in book form. For a number of reasons, I could be reading hypertext one day and try to access the same material several days later and it may not exist. Am I the only person frightened by this?

Birkerts says, “The print engagement is essentially private.” He also talks about the time aspect of turning the pages, etc. I think the scrolling and clicking of electronic medium are comparable to the page turning in hard copy.

I enjoy nothing more than sitting down with a book. I appreciate the portability and the security it provides.

I have to ask though, why is it not an option for both to exist in today’s society? Birkerts seems to have an “all or none” approach that makes me feel guilty for loving books as much as I love doing hypertext. Is it not possible for people to develop an appreciation for both? I suppose it’s all about balance. As a student, it’s impossible to rely entirely upon electronic media for my education. I know that and I really hope incoming students know that. As a teacher, if I instill the value of my appreciation of books to my students, they are at least exposed to it and hopefully capable of making an informed decision as to what they prefer. And as Stacey the reader, I yet again find myself riding the fence here. It’s not my computer I read while easing myself into the world on a Saturday morning. Nor is it books that I read when I am plagued by insomnia late at night.

Birkerts ended chapter 8 with a melodramatic, “…for language is the soul’s ozone layer and we thin it at our peril.”
Whether books or electronic media, I think language can survive the electronic revolution. It’s the people who use it that I’m worried about!

I don't know why the linking isn't working on the previous post. It is probably my parents' crappy computer. C & P: www.heavyweight.blogspot.com

I decided to start the food/exercise blog that I've been contemplating doing for a while now. It's all stuff I was keeping in a journal in Microsoft Word, but like the idea of it being semi-public. Why does that sound strange to me?
Anyway, if you have no life and want to see what that part of my life is like, be my guest.

Why am I not surprised?

Today is payday from one of my jobs--my main income job. Every other Thursday, my check is directly deposited into my account. Today is different for some reason.

I checked for the money at 3 different times this morning and it wasn't there, so I called my bank to see if maybe it just hadn't been posted yet. Nope, not there. I called my boss, who called someone, who called someone else, and finally found out that they sent my money to another bank where I had an account (but closed it) over a year ago. I've spent the last hour on the phone with the old bank, the new bank, my boss, someone's secretary, and still have no answer as to when I might get paid.

This fucking (pardon my language, but I'm really irritated) agency has done nothing but screw me over every time I've worked for them. Obviously why would this time be any different? On a positive note: I get paid from BSU tomorrow, so I'll have that money to get me through the weekend travel expenses, etc.

People irritate the shit out of me sometimes.

It's mid-afternoon and I'm home, heading to bed for a nap. I started taking some new vitamins today and they are making me feel "off." Off in the sense that they cleaned out my intestines in a very forceful manner. I need to recover from the traumatic experience.

Before I get to my recovering, I need to send many applauds and congratulations to a classmate who informed me today that he received one of the highly competed for internship positions for the writer's conference BSU is hosting in June. Good for you, Karl!! I couldn't handpick a more qualified individual myself.

You're total comes to $4.25, please pull ahead to the second window. Thank you.

It's a gloomy day, but still a great day to be outside. I just finished doing some raking and then played some rough and tough basketball--by myself. I'm regressing into the stage of having imaginary friends and basketball opponents!

Why is raking "fun" in the spring? Cabin fever, I suppose. I despise winter so much.

I was talking to a friend of mine who used to live in Bemidji but now lives in Pasadena. (This friend actually exists!) She suggested I look into applying for a job at Pasadena City College when I'm done with my graduate studies. I'm already fine-tuning my resume.

My "roommates" are becoming ill, one by one (yes, they actually exist as well). I'm trying to stay away with the hopes that it might bypass my immune system. Illness is just so annoying.

My head hurts.

It's been a while. I haven't felt much like posting here. I still don't really as I sit and write this.
I just got back from a painful walk, with the rain/snow stinging my face. Tonight, sometime after 6:00 pm is the beginning of Spring. Bullshit.

War has begun. Even in the beginning of the world upheaval, love still prevails. I happened to be visiting family this weekend, when we had a great surprise! I'm blessed to have been there for it all.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a good friend about committment. "Committment's not just me loving you as long as I am emotionally attached to you..."

I wonder how people find the strength to be dedicated like that. I imagine that's the beauty of true love.

Sonnet XVII

Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

STUDIO TOURS

I've been assigned to tour the following blogs and comment on them as directed in the assignment link above:

Walk Away Renee
joggua
At a loss...for words

Keep on walking, Renee!

Walk Away Renee is one of the blogs I've visited on a regular basis throughout the semester, so I was glad to see this was one of the three I am to comment on.

I've always appreciated the honesty of Renee's posts. She keeps readers attention by her great use of links throughout her text. For me, it's like opening a fortune cookie when I click on the links, wondering where it's going to take me and how it relates to what she's talking about in her blog. I compare it to a puzzle sometimes, trying to find the connection path of her text to the reasoning behind a chosen link. In my opinion, this sort of deliberate action is what often keeps a reader coming back for more.

I hadn't read Renee's project proposal until this assignment and was surprised to discover another part of the project that I had no idea existed until now. It got me to thinking about the fact that I was reading her blog for the last several weeks, in a perspective totally outside of what it seemed was the intention of her proposal. I'm not saying that's good or bad, merely an observation.

The proposal indicates that she wants to do reflection of her non-English classes. Specifically, the Focus says, "I will post weblog entries that focus on topics from non-English classes I have taken at Bemidji State University. In my blog I will strive for a casual contemplation approachable through an organized topical structure of the wiki, which I will use to report on my blog." I looked through the class cubby independently and attempted to cross-reference them to the posts on her blog and had a difficult time making the connection. This could in part be due to the fact that I already have a bit of a personal "attachment" of sorts to her blog. It's almost as though I don't want the structured academic part that she talks about in her proposal to taint the beauty and freedom that I appreciate already. I'm curious if her project has simply changed from what she intended or maybe I'm making a completely incorrect observation.

From Walking to Jogging

Murray's joggua is also on my list of favorites, long before this assignment. Josh is following his proposal exactly as planned.
His posts tend to be responses to things in the news and I give him major props for often posting his response in the same style as what he is reading. I get a commentary, journalism "feel" while reading Murray's posts. Even as some are very casual in tone, they are consistently giving me the impression of being deliberate and well-planned. There are times where he lets the readers in to have a view of who he is as a person, but then others where he keeps his distance, each time exercising those decisions very effectively.

I like the links to the left of his entries to the various news sources he is using. I recall the first time I visited this project that it gave me a brief glimpse of what kind of responses I might be reading. My brother always says you can tell a lot about a person by where they get their news. Only recently did I start to consider this....

I find myself wondering about the story of the "Open Door" knowing there must be a great story behind it. In my opinion, joggua is probably doing exactly what pioneer bloggers hoped blogging would become.

Finally at a Loss After Walking and Jogging

How lucky am I to have three of the blogs I visit in a regular basis be part of my assignment rotation?

Jessica's At a loss...for words is of particular personal interest for me because I was going to keep a similar blog for my project, but decided I wasn't brave enough to expose myself to the class, finally agreeing to continue the dieting diary I've been keeping in Microsoft Word, with the promise to switch to blog once the semester is over.

I love the honesty of her posts and the way she integrates humor so effectively while speaking to a topic that is sometimes touchy in our society. I am able to see her coming to realizations about herself right in the middle of some of her posts, which is exciting for me as a reader. I find myself wishing she would go into more depth in her posts about how she is feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally--along with when she eats what she eats and how much and wondering if there is any correlation between any of it. Possessing the hectic life of a student, I imagine it's difficult to keep up with the blog and as a simple suggestion wonder if posting several short entries a day, rather than one summative entry would be more effective for her schedule and for the overall success of the blog.

Though it may be difficult to find the benefit in writing down what she's eaten, I hope that Jessica goes back to the "consumption diary." I think it requires observing over several weeks, even months, before one can truly decide if it's worthwhile or not. I'd also like to suggest maybe looking for ways for Jessica to "pat herself on the back" via her blogging. Rather than mentally punish herself for not going to the rec center, she could focus on what good she's done for her body, even if it's something as simple as taking a 10 minute nap to rejuvinate or to paint her toenails, just because. Don't stop now, Jess, your audience is counting on you!

Responding to Blood

If you are going to keep a weblog, it must be for the joy of writing alone. You will never have enough readers, an if that matters, you will always be disappointed.
Weblog audiences grow very slowly, but the readers you attract come deliberately. Do what you can to deserve their attention, and accept that your audience may always be very small. Through your efforts you can hope to gain a few readers and the respect of your peers. Do your best because you love it, appreciate the readers who visit, and don’t allow your statistics to ruin your fun. Rebecca Blood

When I started my blog at the beginning of the semester, I was extremely concerned with the idea of audience. I wanted it to be clearly defined so I could establish a persona and go with it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the fact that this is academia distorts the entire process for me.

Initially, once I gave up the idea of audience, my entries became “better” and I took more ownership over my blog. I felt much more freedom, yet at the same time, much more focused in my writing.

I agree with Blood’s statement of keeping a weblog “…for the joy of writing alone.” It was when I reconciled that in myself that I actually gained an audience outside of the obligatory hits from classmates. Of course it was just friends, family, and colleagues, but nonetheless a faithful audience who actually enjoyed keeping up with my thoughts via the blog.

When the semester shifted to the project blog, my time and energy for the personal blog greatly deteriorated, causing the entries to be weekly, at most. I did my best to take my audience along with me to the project, but they have told me it is “…boring as hell….” I’m disappointed that this meager audience has now left me. I now fail to do as Blood says by blogging “…because you love it….” The project blog is 90% for the sake of getting my grade in this class. In trying to come to grips with the fact that my only audience is my professor, I try to keep reminding myself that it’s beneficial for me as an instructor to have the time set aside to reflect and write about the progress of my class—especially in such a challenging time of the semester. That’s my “bright side” of things.

How, exactly, do you develop an audience for blogging? We could look at other forms of writing to see what process they go through to target an audience, but I think it’s next to impossible to compare a form as unique as blogging to anything else.

John Scalzi compares the aspect of blogging audience growth to other media forms’ audience growth in his column, Whatever, on April 8, 2002, saying,

Since the raw numbers regarding 'blog visits are somewhat shaky, the numbers regarding their percentage growth are likely to be equally so, but I'd be interested to see if the top 10 'blogs, whatever they may be, averaged the same sort of percentage growth last week as the top 10 conventional media sites. If they didn't, then the odds of Nisenholtz winning his Wired bet just got better. Not only that, but Vincent's argument of 'blogging being an alternative to a liberal media (many 'bloggers are conservative) is shown to be somewhat specious, since it shows that when people want news online, what they do is go to the usual suspects first.

Incidentally, it's also worth noting that many of the most popular 'blogs are written by established journalists and writers -- i.e., people who have made their writing bones before coming to the 'blog lifestyle. … Whether the 'bloggers choose to recognize it or not, they still look to and crave recognition from the very media they profess to irritate or, with more hubris, plan to usurp.

So does this mean our audience is more dependent on our reputation outside of our blogging persona? Does what I write have as much to do with who I am? If I intend to have an audience outside of those I already know, I suspect not. However, the thought of establishing an audience sounds daunting and to be honest, like something I have no interest in doing. I’m nothing but a first year graduate assistant. I’m barely able to sort through my own thoughts enough to put them in writing, much less expect an “audience” to form and wade through the mess that is my thinking.

This idea of comparing blogging audience to other media audience still intrigues me though. I searched further and found the article, Blogging: The New Exhibitionism, which says,

Blogging trades the hidden, questionable biases of the mass media for the obvious, proud biases of a human being; blogs are perhaps not more objective than other information sources, but are certainly more honest and up-front about the particular spin on the news they present. The exhibitionistic nature of many of those drawn to blogging means that blog content often provides a much richer, deeper portrait of its author than the same content would if presented in a newspaper article, for example. For all of these reasons blogs represent the quintessential medium for our modern attention-deficient, instant-gratification, self-absorbed, and voyeuristic culture.

What blogs don't typically have is a large, readymade audience -- the "mass" in "mass media" -- which is a given for mainstream media outlets such as CNN or the New York Times. In the blogging world (or "blogosphere", as it is coming to be known), you have to find your own audience. Blog culture is profoundly democratic, in that a blog's popularity is solely dependent on the quality of its content, rather than the factors which distort the mass media sphere, such as the quantity of a network's ad revenue or the partnerships it has with other corporations. The central currency of the blogosphere is certainly the hyperlink; each additional incoming link to one's work represents more potential readers and fans.

Give all of this information, I think I’m “off the hook” and relieve myself of any responsibility to establish an audience for this poor baby blog of mine.

It's finally starting to warm up. That makes me glad. I'm going to finish up my office work and go for a walk.

I just shared an m&m cookie with Carl, following an Indian Taco lunch.

I'm feeling slightly achy today and hope it's just from the change in my weight lifting routine yesterday and not me getting this flu that everyone has.

Spring break is coming up soon and I'm very excited for that. I get 4 days (3 nights) away from the house the weekend before classes resume. I'm giddy over it. I originally was going to work at a retreat that I've been involved with in the past, but rec'd an email yesterday that they didn't need as many people as they had apply, so I am not going. What will I do? I think I'd really like to go to Duluth or something.

I registered this week for a cooperative learning conference in Grand Rapids the first weekend in April, so I may go to Duluth the second half of that weekend. Decisions, Decisions. I wish someone would just tell me what I should do.

Well, time to get things done and get outside.

Holy crappers, it's been a damn productive day today! I realized this weekend that I'm an introvert. I would never have made such a claim until the last couple years of my life. Can someone leave extroversion and become an introvert? Or was I an introvert all along, just denying who I was by living the life of an extrovert. Hmmm....

Look at my damn project blog right now!

The proposal was approved and born about 20 minutes ago. For now I'll continue posting to this blog just for the shit of it. It's a gloomy Sunday. Down comforter, here I come.

It's the day after "Single Awareness Day" and I pulled an all-nighter last night. Well, I stayed awake until about 5:00 a.m.

I didn't have a test to study for or a last minute paper to write, I simply wasn't ready for sleep. I spent my Valentine Friday night watching various shows on television, such as PBS's Almanac, coming to the realization that I was getting old. I am old. I need to prove to myself that I am still young. What to do? My options are very limited since I have to be home by 10:30 every night, living where I do. However, just because I have to be home, who says I have to go to bed? Ooooh yeahhhh, I AM good.

The staff locked the door on their way out at 10:30, the "kids" were all snug in their beds, sleeping soundly, the house was mine! I yawned and stretched as I looked around the house trying to decide what to do first. I watched 2 hours of television as I waited for inspiration. After another bad made for TV movie, I knew what I'd do. Laundry! As I sit here now, I find no logic in that. I want to prove to myself how young I am, so I'm going to do laundry at 1:00 in the morning? (rolling eyes)

I think when I'm tired my brain leaves my skull and some strange freakish being takes over residence. This morning I look back on my hours of the early morning spent being "youthful" and wish I had just gone to bed at 10:30 like I always do and used the normal person's morning hours (7-12) for doing more productive things than sleeping. That's so immature. Wait, isn't that what I was aiming for? Yeahhhhh, I've still got it.

My officemate has become my best friend and I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

Have you ever cared deeply for someone, only to find the caring, well, the depth anyway, not returned? It's strange to say that this is the first time in my life this is happening to me--if only I could be guaranteed the last. I've only ever been on the other end of a situation like this and could never have guessed it hurt this much. As painful as it may be, the reality is that you can't make someone love you.

How do I reach a resolution then? With time? Distance? Having seen the heart of someone who is everything I've wanted and even given them a glimpse of my heart, only to have it handed back to me, makes me feel lost. I know why and I tell him it's ok and that I understand, so it's easier for him. Truth is, I don't understand. If he felt and saw with his heart and not his head, things would be different.

Being alone never felt as lonely as it does today.

Has anyone loved their mother as much as I do mine? It almost doesn't seem possible. If/when I'm fortunate enough to have children, I want to be just like her.
To my mom:
Once upon a time,
sharing a body that was yours and mine.
The very blood that courses your veins
was the first to breathe life
into my still beating heart;
this heart that longs to love,
this body that aches to share
the same gift of life.
I give who I am
as a gift to you;
let me live in this world
that I may honor
what you gave.

I've just submitted a proposal for the path this blog will take during the next 10 weeks. If you're bored and would like to do something slightly less painful than poke your eyeballs with needles, check it out.
The proposal is in wiki form. Don't ask me to explain what a wiki is right now. If you want to know, make it a personal quest for new knowledge and find it yourself. Love ya!

So many writing spaces, so little time.

Here I am a week later, finally ready to refocus my attention and move forward.

I talked to my younger brother last Sunday. He lives in St. Cloud and went to Wadena to be with our family when he received the news about Grandpa. That night when he called, he was talking about how he had met my parents and grandmother at the funeral home and said, "Yeah, I was there when they picked out the programs and the thank you cards and the popcorn and circus animals."

My brother has an insane sense of humor and it's become a sort of practice that our family deals with stress via humor.

I replied to that with, "PLEASE tell me there will be elephants."

He paused, then said, "I think someone is going to be a happy girl!"

It felt good to laugh.

I was able to go home Wednesday and meet my family at the funeral home for the wake and visitation. The room was filled with people. Granted, I was related to nearly every person there, but as I stood there, I couldn't help thinking that my grandpa had touched the lives of every person in that room in a very unique and special way. He was grandpa to me, but uncle to others, husband, father, neighbor, brother....

It took me a while to make my way through the crowd and to the front, where the casket was. I stood there, unable to blink or breathe. My mom came over and said, "He looks like he's sleeping, doesn't he?" I could only nod as I was overwhelmed with sadness. He didn't look like he was asleep at all. I've seen him sleep many times and this wasn't even a slight resemblance of that. I was struck by how "empty" he looked. A body possessing life is about more than having a heart beat I think. The housing of a spirit is what gives the body it's value. I like to think we are a spirit in a body, not a body with a spirit. There's a distinction in my eyes.

I could only cry for a long time. My brother then arrived and sat down by me, hugging me. He then whispered in my ear, "I forgot the elephants."

Laughter in the middle of tears is a wonderful feeling.

My mom called an hour ago to tell me that grandpa died about 3:00 this morning. She said she didn't want to call that early and risk waking up the kids. I didn't tell her this, but what's strange is that I was already awake then. We have a motion sensor downstairs because last summer one of the kids liked to get up in the middle of the night and sit outside. He hasn't done it since about October. At 3:00, the receiver beeped in my room, meaning the sensor had been triggered. I got up, went downstairs where the dog was sleeping, drapes all pulled and everybody in their beds, breathing deeply. I sat on the stairs for a little while, listening to the hums and ticks of the house before turning around to go back up to bed.

I laid in bed for a good 30 minutes, thinking about my grandpa, which has been the case for the last several weeks every time I wake up. Growing up, he was a second father to me, when my own (then workaholic) father was not around. He was a dad to a lot of kids: 9 of his own, 42 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren. Up to this point, many of my thoughts had been, "I wish he'd just go already. He's suffered so much...." But now, knowing he's really gone and that I have to face the funeral home this week, my heart hurts and I want to see my mom. That won't happen until Wednesday or Thursday they say, so in the meantime, I have this cozy blog. Now that really makes my heart hurt.

It's been a week from hell. Tonight as I was driving home, I passed Cease Funeral Home. They have a large sign posted, reading, "WE HAVE MOVED!"

Since moving to Bemidji, I've always chuckled, "Cease Funeral Home." I keep making mental reminders to take a photo and send it to David Letterman.

Now I wonder, what do you do with an old funeral home? It's much different than Video Update moving into the old Holiday gas station or Gander Mountain moving into the old Food for Less.

Salon? Gift Shop? Gas Station? Video Store? Restaurant? RESTAURANT! Imagine the advertising: "Come to the grand opening of Stan's Sandwiches! Located in the old Cease Funeral Home." All sorts of mental images come to mind! Would they keep the funeral home as a theme? They could use the enbalming machine as the juice dispenser! Oh my!

In highschool I had to tour a funeral home as part of a "living on your own" class. We climbed several flights of stairs to an attic that was overflowing with caskets. My knees buckled and to the floor I went. My better judgment told me I should wait outside after that, instead I insisted I complete the tour, so down to the enbalming room I went. I managed to stay standing, but couldn't hear or see anything. By a miracle I got outside, where I sat on the front steps waiting. I haven't been in a funeral home since.

My grandpa developed a severe fever in the last few days and his breathing has become very labored. I want nothing more than to go see him right now, but because of the total upheaval of where I live, it's impossible to do that AND expect to be able to leave for the funeral. I hope this experience with the funeral home is "better" than the previous.

I thought I was finished for the night. After I signed out, I went back to the daybook and decided to take some time to look through everyone's blog in the blogs and wikis class.

Seeing reactions to a previous post on my blog has me feeling like a monster. My initial thoughts about concern for audience had left me, which made this process all the more appealing, until now, when I see just how easily things are misunderstood. Starting now, the blogging filter for anything viewed by classmates is on high. That makes me sad, but safe.

Disclaimer: All of my call to action comments in this particular post are entirely sarcastic.

For my final post before class meets tomorrow, I'll briefly comment on the universality that blogging affords! It gives a voice to the voiceless! (or something)

You want to talk about oppression? How about the way we are silencing our porn writer population? Isn't it time they are heard? *reaches around to turn on cheesy music "Bow wow chicka bow wow"*

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you read the words, "Confessions of a porn writer?"

What to say about it? I have no damn idea.

In closing I will say this: When I first stumbled upon this, I was doing a quick browse and saw what I thought was the word "latex" which made my eye stop, only to realize it was actually "relax." Sick. Time to sign out.

Considering the idea of moonlighting a blog to track my progress upon reaching 16 weeks in the Weight Watchers program this week, I did a search for dieting blogs. This helped me get an idea of what to and not to do if/when I decide to create my own WW blog. After rinsing my eyes with bleach at the first 4 I looked through, I find one that was initially appealing. Big Fat Blog is neat and attractive in its appearance, giving me a tranquil, organized feel. However, the blog is full of activity once you get in. There is an option to comment in this particular blog to each post. I wonder if that makes it more of a forum...or not?

On a personal note, I felt the blog was too negative for me to consider a return visit. Too much time and space is committed to complaining about the oppression of overweight individuals. My reaction to that is that everyone has control over their lifestyle, some people choose not to exercise that control. It took me 25 years to come to that realization and with 32 pounds down, the constantly lingering thought is, "Why did I choose to exist this long, this way?"

Of course I'm not at all surprised that the computer genius, Ayleen, has blown us all out of the water with her expertise. I can't help but wonder if she's just extremely ambitious or has a large quantity of time on her hands. I suspect if I worked at a computer lab, I'd have as incredible of a blog as she does. It is bursting with links and references and articles, that I know it will take me the entire semester to comb through all of the information. I'm pretty anti-gamey stuff and all the role-playing lingo, for the same reason I've never gotten into video games probably: it's all over my head. However, the fact that Ayleen is gamey and is a walking dictionary of role-playing lingo will not keep me from enjoying the blog.

Ayleen's blog is a virtual menu to appeal to everyone's appetite! To this I say, "Bon Appetit!"

Where do I find the option to put the links for everyone else's blogs on here? I'm only thinking outloud because I'm too lazy to go through the Help option right now to find the answer. I have no intention of tackling that task tonight anyway.

I'm feeling less guilty about not having posted in a few days. As I browse through the class blogs to comment on here, everyone I've been reading so far hasn't been updated since Thursday or Friday. Yes, I know I shouldn't compare my satisfaction with my progress based on that of others, but I was seriously feeling like I was the only one who wasn't making this a multiple time a day priority. This will be our first full week of classes this semester. I hope this is what I need to combat the overwhelming apathy I feel.

Unable to come up with an intelligent or witty transition, I'm going to go right into commenting on Joshua's: UA, I've been Josh too long. As I typed that I finally get it. Wow. I am really out of it. I like the new look of his blog--the clean, orderly approach suites it well. Again, I appreciate the brevity. I also enjoyed that it keeps the reader at an emotional distance. I imagine how much I enjoy that depends on my mood. At the moment, I'm not in the mood to hear all the details of anyone's personal life, so the lighthearted comments and quotes were just what I needed. Knowing Joshua the little I do, it's nice to gain more insight as to what goes on in that head of his. Thanks for what you offer on your blog, Josh(ua).

It's interesting to me to think about the different eyes I use as a reader when I know the blog author personally. I find myself surprised, amused, and intrigued when I see sides and read thoughts that people I interact with daily often don't expose. Why does it feel "safe" to write about some things here that we wouldn't just bring up in conversation?

I'm definitely intrigued and entertained by The PEPPERGREEN Contingent. I had a brief conversation with Mr. Klint last week before class. I asked how he was and he mentioned that it was the first day of the semester that he felt tired. I was amused as I noted that we were only one week into the semester. We chuckled. I enjoy that his posts give me a glimpse into something and leave me wanting to know more. I definitely prefer this over the more lengthy-- I'm going to give you ever single detail of what's been going on in my life since I last posted (mine last week!). Keep 'em coming, Carl!

It's Sunday night and to be perfectly honest, this is the last thing I want to be doing right now.

It's hard to care and concentrate on much else when your mom calls you every day crying because her father is dying. Life has stopped in my family for about 6 weeks now. Before Christmas it was, "It's only a matter of time...any day now...." Here we are a month later, still waiting. He's miserable. He's angry. His spirit died long ago.

My mom used to let me skip school to go icefishing with him. How is it possible that this is the same man who now has no control over his body and mind?

Enough for now. Time to get my obligatory blogging done.

A fellow classmate and friend shares my disdain for the danger of winter! Blog on, my friend! (I felt like I should say "Dude" but then I'd start having fantasies of time travel in a phone booth with you, Russ, and we both know that we have far too much work to do!) As long as I closed my last post with a threat, let's go 2 for 2: Check out his blog, OR ELSE!

It's cold. It has to warm up or those around me will soon begin to suffer. One would think that after living in Minnesota my entire life I should be used to (maybe even enjoy) the winters. Evaluating my past experiences of the months September to April (slight exaggeration) I like the cold and snow for an entire day, then I'm ready to go back to the days when it isn't painful to be outside, when I don't have to allow a good 30 minutes for my vehicle to warm up so I can travel, when I can walk outside and NOT see my breath. Breath just wasn't meant to be seen, people!
Many of you reading this don't know me, so I'll let you in on one fact at a time. I live with three developmentally disabled young adults as a caretaker in their home. One of the young ladies has come down with pneumonia--another reason I dislike the sting of below zero temperatures. Yesterday I had blocked off a chunk of time to look at other classmates' blogs to comment on here, but instead was running around town getting drugs for my sick girl, trying to get up to my office only to find that yet again (begin edit)...this is where I went off "half-cocked" and made a "nasty character attack"...trying to communicate my extreme frustration when I have to do things that are not my responsibility because, although I know people work and have class, so do I, which is why I didn't sign up for the duty in the first place....rarrrr...and now I'm a B who was doing some "petty whining" in a blog, which if I'm not mistaken happens to be my own.

I'm posting from my office today. Yesteday I was at home and the day before in the CAL classroom. My mindset is more academically focused today. I'm sure this is largely due to the fact that I've been reading material and organizing things for course work this semester. Again this morning I was hung up on the idea of audience. If I'm in the middle of posting about a reaction to the book I'm teaching from this semester, but get sidetracked.... I guess that's the beauty of being able to edit these things. Self-control...do I have it? Will I slip into typical online behavior of excessively using the ellipses? God, I hope not. I see that I've used two in this post already. What you, my readers, don't know is how many I went back and deleted after I asked that question! *grin* See, that's another thing I dislike about computer communication--the ever annoying *grin* *smile* etc. Combine that with a message peppered with smiley faces and you have a very annoyed reader in me. All of this is mostly to buy more time before I decide what I want to do with this blog. It's obviously time to check out some other blogs for ideas and comment on them here. Stay tuned! :-) hahahahahaaaa

It's been just over 24 hours since my very first post here and I've thought about where I want to go with this thing AT LEAST 15 times and still haven't made a decision. I suspect that I'll have one for the course work and one that I maintain outside of that. There are so many different things I want to do this for (thesis, coursework, CW, WW, etc.). I've been thinking about Dr. Christensen's comment regarding the level of "personalness" one should have while posting. If one maintains strictly a surface level of information, who is going to want to read it? Do we write it with any intention of appealing to an "audience?" Are we our own audience? I think I would be more comfortable with strangers reading my more personal thoughts because I don't have to look them in the eye every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 10:00 a.m. They also don't determine my grade for the class! If I write about how rancid Marmite is, will Dr. Morgan scalp me? These are just a few pre-blogging thoughts. Time to get back to the world that is my reality--which you'll learn more about at a later date and time!

This is my first entry, sitting in the CAL classroom. Why am I so damn excited to be doing this?