Some photos to update husband--you know the story honey.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
What do you do with the realization that you don't matter to the person you love the most?
He says I matter but that's about as far as it ever goes--words. After this long I don't take much stock in words anymore. I get tired of being told one thing and actions and life prove exactly the opposite.
What is it about me that makes him not want to pursue me or romance me with the little things anymore (or ever really)?
Baby and I have been staying at my parents' because husband is in Arizona for work and I go back and forth between feeling hurt and angry that he hasn't done anything to let me know he thinks about us when he's gone; I then get mad at myself for expecting/hoping for anything because if he doesn't care to do something for me why should I be pissy about it?
I remember when I used to travel for work a lot knowing that it was the little things that matter.
He could even enlist the help of the family I'm staying with! I've been wanting to get my haircut for about 4 months now and dying for a tanning session to help through the winter blahs. Maybe call my mom and help schedule an appointment at a salon here and arrange for them to babysit Madeline. How fucking hard is this? I don't expect diamonds and weekend trips!
Do something that you haven't done before ( words and flowers).
We always said our marriage would be different than everyone elses. We'd have lots of sex and romance eachother--always remember the little things mattered. I think I'm the one that wanted that bad enough to get off my ass and DO something about it, rather than sit and think about it and feel bad but never go further than that.
What can I do differently? What IS it about ME that makes me unloveable like that?
He says I matter but that's about as far as it ever goes--words. After this long I don't take much stock in words anymore. I get tired of being told one thing and actions and life prove exactly the opposite.
What is it about me that makes him not want to pursue me or romance me with the little things anymore (or ever really)?
Baby and I have been staying at my parents' because husband is in Arizona for work and I go back and forth between feeling hurt and angry that he hasn't done anything to let me know he thinks about us when he's gone; I then get mad at myself for expecting/hoping for anything because if he doesn't care to do something for me why should I be pissy about it?
I remember when I used to travel for work a lot knowing that it was the little things that matter.
He could even enlist the help of the family I'm staying with! I've been wanting to get my haircut for about 4 months now and dying for a tanning session to help through the winter blahs. Maybe call my mom and help schedule an appointment at a salon here and arrange for them to babysit Madeline. How fucking hard is this? I don't expect diamonds and weekend trips!
Do something that you haven't done before ( words and flowers).
We always said our marriage would be different than everyone elses. We'd have lots of sex and romance eachother--always remember the little things mattered. I think I'm the one that wanted that bad enough to get off my ass and DO something about it, rather than sit and think about it and feel bad but never go further than that.
What can I do differently? What IS it about ME that makes me unloveable like that?
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Burn out!
As I type this I'm holding a FINALLY sleeping baby. I have been trying to get some housework done all morning and she just kept "yelling" at me. I'd get on the floor and coo at her in the walker and she'd come to life, smiling and melting my heart. I'd walk away for 5 seconds to try to finish dishes-----AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I have cabin fever. My vehicle is buried in snow and I'm caring for the baby all alone so I've been trying to exercise when she sleeps or is content in a lost attempt to gain some sanity. Often I end up having to put her in the sling and take her on the treadmill with me--which ends up being half the workout I would normally get. Today I was dying to do some FIRM so I get Madeline all cozy after the stress of the morning and start sweating. My heart rate is just getting going and the phone rings---pause workout and check caller ID, not for me, continue workout. I get back into it and Madeline spit out her pacifier and is yelling---pause workout and spout baby talk for 30 seconds to quiet her down, continue workout. Get out the weights for bicep curl portion of video and phone rings again---pause workout and check caller ID, it's my cousin, let it ring and continue workout. Madeline yells some more for another pause, continue workout and the fucking phone rings---pause AGAIN and check caller ID, it's husband. I was rude and snotty and feel mad at myself for not feeling guilty. So I continue workout and this time just let Madeline yell even as it escalates into actual crying and then even screaming. I don't do a fucking thing for myself ever and nobody helps me do anything and I'm determined to get this good workout in.
I skip the cooling down portion and pick her up and she stops crying immediately and I say I'm sorry for letting her be unhappy. I should note that she had just been changed and fed before the workout and she was in the same room as me the entire time so I wasn't neglecting her.
After she was calmed down I held her while I put dishes away and finished cleaning the kitchen.
Now she's asleep in my arms and I could use a shower but figure I'll wait a while for that.
I just wish I had some sort of my own identity left. All I am is a mom and sometimes a wife when I get tired of a sexless marriage and initiate it myself. Who is Stacey and where the hell did she go? It's not that I want less time with Maddy, I just wish I had MORE of other things.
I feel like quitting trying so hard at everything because it doesn't matter anyway. The more I give the more I hope to get something in return and end up disappointed. I often tell myself to quit having expectations or hopes because then whatever happens is automatically going to be better than what I imagined. Maybe I should subscribe to that theory again--as a survival tactic.
Screw ya'll right now.
As I type this I'm holding a FINALLY sleeping baby. I have been trying to get some housework done all morning and she just kept "yelling" at me. I'd get on the floor and coo at her in the walker and she'd come to life, smiling and melting my heart. I'd walk away for 5 seconds to try to finish dishes-----AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I have cabin fever. My vehicle is buried in snow and I'm caring for the baby all alone so I've been trying to exercise when she sleeps or is content in a lost attempt to gain some sanity. Often I end up having to put her in the sling and take her on the treadmill with me--which ends up being half the workout I would normally get. Today I was dying to do some FIRM so I get Madeline all cozy after the stress of the morning and start sweating. My heart rate is just getting going and the phone rings---pause workout and check caller ID, not for me, continue workout. I get back into it and Madeline spit out her pacifier and is yelling---pause workout and spout baby talk for 30 seconds to quiet her down, continue workout. Get out the weights for bicep curl portion of video and phone rings again---pause workout and check caller ID, it's my cousin, let it ring and continue workout. Madeline yells some more for another pause, continue workout and the fucking phone rings---pause AGAIN and check caller ID, it's husband. I was rude and snotty and feel mad at myself for not feeling guilty. So I continue workout and this time just let Madeline yell even as it escalates into actual crying and then even screaming. I don't do a fucking thing for myself ever and nobody helps me do anything and I'm determined to get this good workout in.
I skip the cooling down portion and pick her up and she stops crying immediately and I say I'm sorry for letting her be unhappy. I should note that she had just been changed and fed before the workout and she was in the same room as me the entire time so I wasn't neglecting her.
After she was calmed down I held her while I put dishes away and finished cleaning the kitchen.
Now she's asleep in my arms and I could use a shower but figure I'll wait a while for that.
I just wish I had some sort of my own identity left. All I am is a mom and sometimes a wife when I get tired of a sexless marriage and initiate it myself. Who is Stacey and where the hell did she go? It's not that I want less time with Maddy, I just wish I had MORE of other things.
I feel like quitting trying so hard at everything because it doesn't matter anyway. The more I give the more I hope to get something in return and end up disappointed. I often tell myself to quit having expectations or hopes because then whatever happens is automatically going to be better than what I imagined. Maybe I should subscribe to that theory again--as a survival tactic.
Screw ya'll right now.
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