It's finally starting to warm up. That makes me glad. I'm going to finish up my office work and go for a walk.

I just shared an m&m cookie with Carl, following an Indian Taco lunch.

I'm feeling slightly achy today and hope it's just from the change in my weight lifting routine yesterday and not me getting this flu that everyone has.

Spring break is coming up soon and I'm very excited for that. I get 4 days (3 nights) away from the house the weekend before classes resume. I'm giddy over it. I originally was going to work at a retreat that I've been involved with in the past, but rec'd an email yesterday that they didn't need as many people as they had apply, so I am not going. What will I do? I think I'd really like to go to Duluth or something.

I registered this week for a cooperative learning conference in Grand Rapids the first weekend in April, so I may go to Duluth the second half of that weekend. Decisions, Decisions. I wish someone would just tell me what I should do.

Well, time to get things done and get outside.

Holy crappers, it's been a damn productive day today! I realized this weekend that I'm an introvert. I would never have made such a claim until the last couple years of my life. Can someone leave extroversion and become an introvert? Or was I an introvert all along, just denying who I was by living the life of an extrovert. Hmmm....

Look at my damn project blog right now!

The proposal was approved and born about 20 minutes ago. For now I'll continue posting to this blog just for the shit of it. It's a gloomy Sunday. Down comforter, here I come.

It's the day after "Single Awareness Day" and I pulled an all-nighter last night. Well, I stayed awake until about 5:00 a.m.

I didn't have a test to study for or a last minute paper to write, I simply wasn't ready for sleep. I spent my Valentine Friday night watching various shows on television, such as PBS's Almanac, coming to the realization that I was getting old. I am old. I need to prove to myself that I am still young. What to do? My options are very limited since I have to be home by 10:30 every night, living where I do. However, just because I have to be home, who says I have to go to bed? Ooooh yeahhhh, I AM good.

The staff locked the door on their way out at 10:30, the "kids" were all snug in their beds, sleeping soundly, the house was mine! I yawned and stretched as I looked around the house trying to decide what to do first. I watched 2 hours of television as I waited for inspiration. After another bad made for TV movie, I knew what I'd do. Laundry! As I sit here now, I find no logic in that. I want to prove to myself how young I am, so I'm going to do laundry at 1:00 in the morning? (rolling eyes)

I think when I'm tired my brain leaves my skull and some strange freakish being takes over residence. This morning I look back on my hours of the early morning spent being "youthful" and wish I had just gone to bed at 10:30 like I always do and used the normal person's morning hours (7-12) for doing more productive things than sleeping. That's so immature. Wait, isn't that what I was aiming for? Yeahhhhh, I've still got it.

My officemate has become my best friend and I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

Have you ever cared deeply for someone, only to find the caring, well, the depth anyway, not returned? It's strange to say that this is the first time in my life this is happening to me--if only I could be guaranteed the last. I've only ever been on the other end of a situation like this and could never have guessed it hurt this much. As painful as it may be, the reality is that you can't make someone love you.

How do I reach a resolution then? With time? Distance? Having seen the heart of someone who is everything I've wanted and even given them a glimpse of my heart, only to have it handed back to me, makes me feel lost. I know why and I tell him it's ok and that I understand, so it's easier for him. Truth is, I don't understand. If he felt and saw with his heart and not his head, things would be different.

Being alone never felt as lonely as it does today.

Has anyone loved their mother as much as I do mine? It almost doesn't seem possible. If/when I'm fortunate enough to have children, I want to be just like her.
To my mom:
Once upon a time,
sharing a body that was yours and mine.
The very blood that courses your veins
was the first to breathe life
into my still beating heart;
this heart that longs to love,
this body that aches to share
the same gift of life.
I give who I am
as a gift to you;
let me live in this world
that I may honor
what you gave.

I've just submitted a proposal for the path this blog will take during the next 10 weeks. If you're bored and would like to do something slightly less painful than poke your eyeballs with needles, check it out.
The proposal is in wiki form. Don't ask me to explain what a wiki is right now. If you want to know, make it a personal quest for new knowledge and find it yourself. Love ya!

So many writing spaces, so little time.

Here I am a week later, finally ready to refocus my attention and move forward.

I talked to my younger brother last Sunday. He lives in St. Cloud and went to Wadena to be with our family when he received the news about Grandpa. That night when he called, he was talking about how he had met my parents and grandmother at the funeral home and said, "Yeah, I was there when they picked out the programs and the thank you cards and the popcorn and circus animals."

My brother has an insane sense of humor and it's become a sort of practice that our family deals with stress via humor.

I replied to that with, "PLEASE tell me there will be elephants."

He paused, then said, "I think someone is going to be a happy girl!"

It felt good to laugh.

I was able to go home Wednesday and meet my family at the funeral home for the wake and visitation. The room was filled with people. Granted, I was related to nearly every person there, but as I stood there, I couldn't help thinking that my grandpa had touched the lives of every person in that room in a very unique and special way. He was grandpa to me, but uncle to others, husband, father, neighbor, brother....

It took me a while to make my way through the crowd and to the front, where the casket was. I stood there, unable to blink or breathe. My mom came over and said, "He looks like he's sleeping, doesn't he?" I could only nod as I was overwhelmed with sadness. He didn't look like he was asleep at all. I've seen him sleep many times and this wasn't even a slight resemblance of that. I was struck by how "empty" he looked. A body possessing life is about more than having a heart beat I think. The housing of a spirit is what gives the body it's value. I like to think we are a spirit in a body, not a body with a spirit. There's a distinction in my eyes.

I could only cry for a long time. My brother then arrived and sat down by me, hugging me. He then whispered in my ear, "I forgot the elephants."

Laughter in the middle of tears is a wonderful feeling.

My mom called an hour ago to tell me that grandpa died about 3:00 this morning. She said she didn't want to call that early and risk waking up the kids. I didn't tell her this, but what's strange is that I was already awake then. We have a motion sensor downstairs because last summer one of the kids liked to get up in the middle of the night and sit outside. He hasn't done it since about October. At 3:00, the receiver beeped in my room, meaning the sensor had been triggered. I got up, went downstairs where the dog was sleeping, drapes all pulled and everybody in their beds, breathing deeply. I sat on the stairs for a little while, listening to the hums and ticks of the house before turning around to go back up to bed.

I laid in bed for a good 30 minutes, thinking about my grandpa, which has been the case for the last several weeks every time I wake up. Growing up, he was a second father to me, when my own (then workaholic) father was not around. He was a dad to a lot of kids: 9 of his own, 42 grandchildren, and 13 great grandchildren. Up to this point, many of my thoughts had been, "I wish he'd just go already. He's suffered so much...." But now, knowing he's really gone and that I have to face the funeral home this week, my heart hurts and I want to see my mom. That won't happen until Wednesday or Thursday they say, so in the meantime, I have this cozy blog. Now that really makes my heart hurt.

It's been a week from hell. Tonight as I was driving home, I passed Cease Funeral Home. They have a large sign posted, reading, "WE HAVE MOVED!"

Since moving to Bemidji, I've always chuckled, "Cease Funeral Home." I keep making mental reminders to take a photo and send it to David Letterman.

Now I wonder, what do you do with an old funeral home? It's much different than Video Update moving into the old Holiday gas station or Gander Mountain moving into the old Food for Less.

Salon? Gift Shop? Gas Station? Video Store? Restaurant? RESTAURANT! Imagine the advertising: "Come to the grand opening of Stan's Sandwiches! Located in the old Cease Funeral Home." All sorts of mental images come to mind! Would they keep the funeral home as a theme? They could use the enbalming machine as the juice dispenser! Oh my!

In highschool I had to tour a funeral home as part of a "living on your own" class. We climbed several flights of stairs to an attic that was overflowing with caskets. My knees buckled and to the floor I went. My better judgment told me I should wait outside after that, instead I insisted I complete the tour, so down to the enbalming room I went. I managed to stay standing, but couldn't hear or see anything. By a miracle I got outside, where I sat on the front steps waiting. I haven't been in a funeral home since.

My grandpa developed a severe fever in the last few days and his breathing has become very labored. I want nothing more than to go see him right now, but because of the total upheaval of where I live, it's impossible to do that AND expect to be able to leave for the funeral. I hope this experience with the funeral home is "better" than the previous.