I don't know where time goes. I hate it when people say that, but it's the truth.

Madeline is 7 weeks old tomorrow and I don't remember life without her. I had my 6 week follow-up appointment with the surgeon last Thursday before we left for Kansas and everything appears to be fine. I am back on the pill and absolutely terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again anytime soon.

I have a dream baby and am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home full-time so far (aside from cleaning for my uncle which doesn't really count). It's been a test of my ability to trust in every sense of the word and be reliant on someone else to provide for my and Maddie's well-being. I've always been used to taking care of everything and been accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that has been an enormous adjustment the last few weeks and I'm nowhere near comfortable with the situation.

Breastfeeding has been one of my favorite things about having a baby, maybe because it's one of the few tangible things I am solely providing for my daughter. I love the content sounds and expressions she makes after pulling her chubby little face away and then looks up at me to smile (or barf all over my thigh).

My relationship with Justin has probably taken the most stress in all of this baby arrival business. I don't think either of us were prepared for that and sometimes I don't know exactly what to do or what I feel/think about it all. Maybe if I journaled on it or something. I don't have any good friends to talk about the thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks and admit here to being extra lonely.
I joined MOMS Club in Shakopee but so far have been met with social retards who have sick and bratty kids. It makes me appreciate my life experience and education, but sometimes wish I could be so ignorant.

I thought by moving down here that I'd be able to spend more time talking and seeing my college friends; I think I saw them more when I lived up North. I put forth a lot of effort when we first got settled in and then realized it was a one-way street and that I was the one setting up dinners or lunch dates or making phone calls to chat and when I stopped doing it----nothing. I haven't really heard from anyone since. Maybe I AM the social retard and don't know it. Is that possible? I think the most disappointing were my friends Jessica and Rhiannon. The rest of my friends are male and while I'm frustrated with them, I really didn't expect much more from them. The girls--different story, especially during my pregnancy when I could have really used girl time. Justin got an e-mail the other day from Jessica asking if we had the baby and then mentioning that she and her husband are now pregnant and they want to get together. Fuck that. I know it's immature and childish of me to feel that way but I'm so sick of everyone being such assholes.

People are always too busy or lazy or whatever the excuse is.

My 5 minute warning on the library computer just popped up. My heavy boobs are also letting me know it's time to get home to feed the baby. My sister is visiting and was nice enough to let me out of my cage. Thanks Sarah!

I hope everyone is well and has a very safe and Happy New year!