What to say?

I have to go back home again tomorrow to help care for my dying grandma. "It's only a matter of time." I hate that phrase. I think it's more comforting for those who are being left behind to care for her at home than it even is for her. She is nearly unresponsive anyway, but it alleviates the helplessness we (I) felt when she was in the hospital. All I could do there was rub lotion on her feet and legs and paint her lovely fingernails. I cried at her bedside and rubbed her hair like I do my special Katie Bear when she is in a snuggly mood. My Grandma is no longer the big beautiful vivacious woman I thought her to be. She is little and fragile. Everything I learned about being a woman has come from her. As I think of entering into marriage without her here I become terrified and lost.

Justin starts his pedagogy and theory classes today and will be immersed in books and syllabi and handouts for the next few weeks until he starts his graduate teaching experience. He will be much happier and content being out of that stupid office job and back to school full-time. He has a true gift for words. As he begins, I'm thrilled to be done with that chapter of my life. I loved graduate school, but it was more competitive and demanding than I could have ever predicted. I actually got choked up during my hooding at commencement and found out later that even my dad cried. Crazy things. So now I keep working with the "special" ones, with Kate always nursing my ego, telling me I'm beautiful and that she loves me. I'll also be teaching a couple classes at the technical college and at the Christian college. Thank God for those liberal education courses! What's so fantastic is that I merely sent my resume and vita for them to have on file a few weeks before my surgery in June. It couldn't have been an easier process. I do wish it were permanent though. Adjunct is fair money, but offers no benefits, keeping me with the "house" so I can keep my health insurance and PTO. It works.

I keep wondering what it will be like if Grandma dies when I'm there over the next few days. It is very likely and scares me and fascinates me at the same time. I hope it's a beautiful moment. She deserves it.