To be Alive in 2005

It's the second day in this new year and I just punched out and am happy to drag myself upstairs to rest for a while. Colds and crap are starting to take us all over and I'm trying my best not to get as bad as everyone else. Of course, it's "break" so I MUST get sick. What the hell does "break" mean anyway?

It's a break from teaching I guess, but that time has been quickly replaced with hours at the house so Justin could go home for a much needed vacation, housekeeping jobs and planning for next semester.

My cardio-kickboxing instructor is out until the end of the month. She had to have her gallbladder removed after Christmas. I hope she recovers fast so I can get back to her class. I am absolutely addicted to this stuff--empowered! I feel strong and like I could kick major ass while I'm there and for days after. I wish it were more than three days a week. I've gotten into jogging the other days and now that I'll be at BSU again next semester, will sign up for a membership there for the bitter cold days that are yet to be felt. I dread them. I hope this is one of my last winters in Minnesota. I love Minnesota, but every year I become less and less able to cope with this drastic temperature drop. This is my first winter on anti-depressants and I'm hoping that will help my tolerance.

This time of year always causes me to relfect on what I was doing last January and all of the things that have taken place in the last twelve months.

• Had a mental breakdown.
  
• Began taking Celexa for depression (long overdue).
• Was diagnosed with eating disorder(s).
• Blew smoke up therapists asses as they tried to "cure" me.
• Got a frog tattoo.
  
• Presented at a conference at NDSU and wasn't even nervous.
• Had another mental breakdown.
  
• Finished & defended my master's thesis.
• Rec'd my diploma & hung it on the wall.
• Had major surgery (first time ever in the hospital).
• Accepted a marriage proposal.
• Planned an entire wedding all by myself in less than a month.
• Had a mental breakdown.
  
• Grandma was diagnosed with cancer and passed away within about two weeks.
• Had a mental breakdown.
  
• I watched the other Grandma have a house literally moved to a field and move in a few months later.
• Taught at two brand new schools.
• Took a yoga class for the first time.
• Took a belly-dancing class for the first time.
• Bought a wedding dress.
• Learned who my real friends are (and aren't!).
• Had a mental breakdown.
  
• My vehicle's window was smashed in for the first time by a stranger.
• Came to several harsh realizations about my relationship(s) with my family.
• Accepted a teaching position for next semester at BSU.
• Paid for an entire wedding (photographer, dj, decorator, dress, hall, caterer, etc.), 4 months ahead of time, all by myself.
• Realized Justin and I should have just kept the money and gone some place far away and been married alone.
• Accepted the fact that only one person truly knows me for ME.
• Saw three men very important to me be deployed to serve our country.
• Desperately wished I could live any life but mine, just for one day.
• Spent New Year's Eve cleaning up puke and poop AGAIN!
• Had a mental breakdown.

Crazy crazzzzzzzy lists. I should rest. I became a housekeeper a few weeks ago to make some cash on the side. I go to three homes so far and bust my ass between everything else with hopes of ... of what? I guess with hopes of having some money saved up by the time we get married so I don't have to rush right back to a job. I'm really hoping we'll be moving away this summer, but nobody knows yet because if it doesn't happen, I don't want them bugging me about stuff. Wait and see what happens with Justin's plan--hopefully he'll know very soon. I'm so thankful for him.