Holiday Celebrations!!

Here are some photos from the holiday party in early December.

Ahhhh, memories! Thanks for a fabulous time everyone! Let's make plans again in the new year.

This is how much my baby loved the visit from Santa on Christmas Day!

I think I am officially done Christmas shopping and only have a handful more left to wrap.
I braved Target yesterday to replenish the wrapping paper supply one last time.

My mom always got tired of us shaking and trying to guess what our presents were. She got sneaky one year and replaced our names with animal names. Presents for "Cow" from mom and dad or "Horse" etc. littered the tree skirt. My brother and sisters and I got so mad and begged mom to tell us who was what animal but it was only ever revealed on Christmas eve. She then took to wrapping fake gifts and bringing out the real ones when it was time to open presents as a family. How funny and mean. I don't have that kind of self-control with gifts this time of year. I want everyone to open their presents immediately so I can see their reaction.

I'm a total regifter and so all of the useless things I've been getting from people with the management company (boxes of chocolate, trays of crap, etc.) has been getting regifted to the mailman, maintenance people, trash man, etc. It ends up working out fairly well and then we don't gain the traditional 5lbs that all of those tasty treats seem to bring.

The countdown to cruise has begun and I am pumped to get away for a whole week where nobody can call me or find me to ask me stupid questions. Yeahhhoooo.

Ellen is on tv right now. She makes me laugh outloud. That doesn't happen very easily.

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Lately I find more times of understanding why people end up abusing their spouses and children this time of year.
I know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Madeline just pooped her pants.
Back to work.
Happy Holidays

Number One Professional Development Killer: Workaholism
By Susan Smith Nash, Ph.D.

What is the biggest threat to a working woman's professional development? Surprisingly, it is not necessarily about raising children. Nor is the biggest threat being caught in the "sandwich generation" and thus taking care of aging parents as well as one's own children. Instead, what some studies have found is that the biggest threat to women's professional development via courses and/or the pursuit of a degree is the very job one wishes to develop and build upon.
How is that possible? How can one's job also be one's pitfall and career barrier? In many cases, it has to do with workload and work responsibilities. The sheer magnitude of the workload causes one to have to neglect one's life, and to focus on just doing the bare minimum in terms of family and personal life.
While one might assume that the workload has to do with the rate of change in the workplace and the unwillingness of corporations to take on new employees, the reality is something else. The fact is, that researchers have found ridiculously onerous workloads tend to be a gender thing. Women, who have traditionally held roles of facilitators, moms, and superwomen, are unconsciously being cast in the same role today. Women, who are culturally conditioned to be accommodating, are easily converted into workaholics who will do whatever it takes to avoid conflict at the workplace, no matter what the personal cost or sacrifice.
The sacrifice can be very large, indeed.
The expectation of workaholism on the part of female employees, particularly supervisors and managers, means that, long-term, while their male counterparts are networking, taking courses, obtaining certificates and degrees, and generally getting ahead, the dutiful workaholic female manager is burning the candle at both ends, often arriving at work hours before the workday officially starts, and leaving long after the workday ends.
A recent study of women managers of university programs in British "modern" universities found the expectation of workaholism, 60-hour work weeks, and tensions between work and life. In addition, the author, D. Woodward, found uncovered several additional findings that could be useful to individuals. First, in this study, all the participants reported unmanageably large workloads, with some seasonal variability. The seasonal variability is a critical element because it could provide a starting point starting to require time for professional development and coursework.
Second, the study found that women were willing to take work home. This seems to be a universal in programs and with women managers. The main problem reported by women is that unanticipated urgent items would arise and would interrupt the normal flow, which would require work to be done at home, presumably because there was no one to offload or delegate work to. Lunch breaks were a rarity. Many women arrive early and stay late. They did so to avoid rush-hour traffic and to give themselves some quiet time before the majority of workers arrived. All the women interviewed worked in excess of contracted hours, and usually ended up with 50 to 60-hour weeks. Few women took all their annual leave, and when they did take leave, it was often used for childcare purposes.
Finally, the study found that women tended to have attitudes about work that were not commonly found in men. Women had different attitudes about work, which ranged from finding work enjoyable to seeing work as an all-consuming malign force.
Interestingly, flex-time and work-from-home schemes would not necessarily solve the problem except in cases when it might help with childcare issues.
For Woodward, the most useful finding was in organizational culture with respect to gender. Women are expected to be workaholics, concludes Woodward. For women to be able to dedicate time to family and continuing education, organizations must find ways to discourage negative work habits and workaholism. A woman who is mired in a culture that requires 60-hour work weeks just to manage the work flow is not given the opportunity to keep current with skills or knowledge, and will start to lose currency.
Reference:
Woodward, D. (2007) Work-life balancing strategies used by women managers in British "modern" universities. Equal Opportunities International. 26:1, pp. 6-17.

Boost Minnesota's Economy during the holiday season and find some fabulous and unique gifts!
While searching for toys made in Minnesota I found a list that MN2020.org compiled.
Enjoy as I have and finish up your shopping fools!

'Tis the Season?

My daughter has a big head. At her 12 mth pediatric appointment her head was still measuring in the 100th percentile so a CT scan was scheduled for last Monday. Madeline was fairly distressed and of course wouldn't hold still so her head had to be taped down in this horrible styrofoam thing. Wednesday we rec'd a call that there were some issues and we had an appt scheduled to see a neurosurgeon in Minneapolis for a second opinion.

I was a little freaked out; Justin was more freaked out. When I was a child I had similar issues with having a big head and Justin has always had a large head as well. This eased my worry a little.

Today we had the meeting with the neurosurgeon. Doc had amazing credentials--Harvard grad. I felt like we were in great hands. He greeted us himself in the waiting room and escorted the 3 of us back to his office. Madeline's scans were up on his computer and after he completed introductions he said, "well, I see where she gets her big head! It appears that the 2 people in the world with the biggest heads fell in love, got married, and had a baby with an even bigger head."

Is that your professional opinion?

Long story short, everything is totally fine and we enjoyed a long-ass drive back up North.
Hopefully Madeline and I can just be home for a while or even a week or something. I'm way tired and have Maddie's awesome cold.

HOLY fucking snow!

I'm sitting here with my chicklet, sharing a snack of rice cake and string cheese, watching the neighborhood disappear under the white stuff.

We got 15" of snow on Saturday. Thankfully (?) we were in St. Cloud for Justin's office holiday party and had 4 lane driving from Wadena (where we drove on Friday night). Madeline had her first overnight away with my parents for Saturday. I drank too much and didn't get to bed until after 3 o'clock in the morning. As soon as I get the pictures off the camera I'll upload a handful for fun.

Now, back to the daily routine, which I'm actually thankful to have for a couple weeks before the holidays.

There are many of you that I need to take time to write to and I'm sorry for my procrastination. I think of you and really WILL get caught up one of these days.

Be in touch.

I love my babies so much. Justin is sweet and Madeline is adorable.

I love etch a sketch too. When I was a kid I couldn't even make a friggen square on it. Now, I can make a square and that's about all.

We have Eva's wake tomorrow night and then will stay at my brother's house.

He just moved in with his girlfriend and my mom keeps talking about her kids are no longer perfect. Seriously.

I think maybe he broke that chance when he got a DUI? or had to go to court for a hit and run? or when I had to be on probation for drinking? Overdrinking and overeating plague all of my relatives so I guess maybe we are still perfect despite that. Doing anything out of wedlock though? Shame.

We are home. I'm glad to not be at a hotel.

I just got a call that my aunt Eva died about 20 minutes ago. She collapsed at home last night and uncle Dave tried doing CPR until the ambulance arrived.
I feel sad for Dave and my cousins. I can't imagine what I'd be if my mom died suddenly like this.

Madeline and I will be making a trip to Champlin this week for funeral services.

Phone ringing. Gotta run.

We had a little b-day party for Madeline at my parents' in Wadena Friday night. My brother and his g/f and my sisters were there with my parents. Yesterday we hit the road for Kansas. We drove most of the day and stopped just a few miles north of Des Moines.

It made the drive today relaxing as we only had about 150 miles to go. We are now back at our hotel for the evening and just had a little room service snack and now I have a big tummy ache
Justin just handed me the travel etch a sketch where he etched, "I love you Stacey." How sweet is that?

I'm going to try to track down some tums or something and get some rest. Tomorrow we are picking up Justin's mom in the morning and going to the Carter's outlet store! I love buying stuff for the kid there. I'm not a huge brand name freak, but I LOVE Carter's clothes. Then we are having lunch at Panera and after that it's anybody's guess.

We are here through Thanksgiving and hoping to leave bright and early Friday morning, with the intention of making it to my brother's in Elk River to spend the night and then go the rest of the way Saturday. We'll see.

Mad's has been a big trooper with all of this traveling. I like her.

Hi Ya'll.

We had Mad's one year photos this afternoon at Sears. They do a decent job but are sort of annoying with the pressure to buy.

A year ago at this time I was in mega-labor. I was induced at 7AM and ended up laboring until 1AM tomorrow UNMEDICATED, eventually having c-section around 3AM. It was the longest day of my life and hopefully I don't have to do it again.

But look what I have to show for it!!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Blah.

I haven't posted here in ages. Time is so scarce and I hate that. I think I hate it. Secretly I suppose I like to be deathly busy. I don't have to think about things as much then.

I'm sitting in the living room drinking a bottle of german white wine that I sampled during a night out with husband many weeks ago. It doesn't taste good while sucking on Airborne lozenges. Madeline has been sick and teething and I have felt on the verge of being sick for several days now; that added with no sleep (because she's NOT sleeping) drives me to drink at this moment.

We leave Friday for a week long visit to Kansas. Well, almost a week. We will leave Friday to go to my parents' to celebrate Maddie's 1st birthday. Then we'll leave Saturday and drive as far into Iowa as we (Maddie) can stand and spend the night. Sunday we will go the rest of the way leisurely and check into our hotel until Friday. We were just in Kansas a week and a half ago for Grandpa Woody's funeral. He was 95 and died peacefully. He still has a sister in Missouri who is 98 years old. Gross. I never want to live to be that old, even if I'm as "with it" as they were/are.

The day we found out Woody died Justin's parents had just left Bemidji from a Fall visit to announce they had been married in Arkansas the week prior. They have lived together for 22 years and I guess decided to "take the plunge." Gross. Justin's mom is good enough, but his father figure is a wacko sometimes. Justin's biological father died when he was 5 or 6 years old and then the current flavor came into the picture. Needless to say, (for MANY reasons) we stay at a hotel when we visit Kansas.

With Madeline's birthday approaching I think about all of the business of the last year. I am POSITIVE I want no more children. My mother gets angry at me when I make remarks about harvesting all of my eggs and sending them off to a hatchery or something. She thinks it awful to have only one child and that it more or less is punishing our daughter. Admittedly, I would prefer not to baby the Maddy Cakes like Justin's parents treated him. I also don't want her to have to grow up so fast and fend for herself like I did as the oldest of 4 in a poor, working class family. I'm confident that we can strike a balance without having to burden the world (and ourselves) with more kids.

Don't get me wrong, I am totally in love with my daughter, but she drives me up the f'ing wall sometimes. I'm in the process of weaning her from breastfeeding because she is approaching one year of age and because we are going on a cruise in January and I DON'T want to deal with that crap while on vacation. I'm too selfish I guess. Even after a year, I miss being able to do what I want, when I want. I want to go to the gym or tan or shop or get a facial or pedicure...and CAN'T do any of that without finding a sitter and then feeling guilty.

We bought a new vehicle about a month ago and Justin has it all decked out with Superman accessories inside. It's all good. A blue Jeep Liberty (Justin's favorite color) fits the motif and I want him to be happy. He is usually stuck driving my truck most days anyway because Mad's carseat is in the Jeep and it's just easier (or something).

I'm working part-time for a property management company in Bemidji and not using my degree at all, but it works extremely well for our situation (child) and it pays extremely well, so most of the time I'm ok with the sacrifice. This fall I was offered some classes to teach at the tribal college in RL but had to decline because of our situation (child) and was also approached about doing some part-time radio work where I've done some voice services for ads. I used to have a radio show in college with my friend Dave and always wanted to go into radio. Unfortunately, again I had to decline at this time because of---yes, our situation. I sometimes wonder if the outcome would have been different if my husband had been the one in my shoes. Oh well, that's what wine is for, right?

Last week I met with Randy, a personal trainer at my gym. I want him to kick my ass into serious high gear so I can feel a little better about my body image. As I mentioned before, we are going on vacation in January and I want to run a half marathon in the area next summer. I know I can totally do it with proper training and encouragement. Randy reminds me of a drill sgt. That's what I need. It's difficult when I have to have balanced meals for my daughter though. I can't very well just give her protein and veggies for every meal every day. I often lack enough discipline to just say "no" to other things if they are here. Although, she has this crappy organic whole milk yogurt that is so gross, but she loves it.

Let me see if I have a recent photo of her around. I think that the pictures have not been taken off the digital camera in a while and I have the batteries on the charger right now in preparation for our trip to KS.

This photo is from earlier this fall at a campus event. Someday soon I'll put up some more.
I recently wrote a quick essay about breasts. Enjoy.

My earliest memory of breasts takes me to the arms of Grandma Hilda. Baby-powder scented hugs suffocated me as she pressed my face into her soft pillowy bossom. I always had a place to lay my head when I was with her. My mom had little breasts. As a child I watched her dress and the empty bits of skin that once nourished me as an infant no longer required a bra.
I inherited Grandma Hilda’s breasts. My first bra was reluctantly worn at the young age of ten. I was mortified at the fast growing sacks of flesh that had taken over my body. All through school being big chested was torture. Tits, knockers, boobs, funbags, jugs—all condemnations hurled at me throughout my teenage years. Tits. I never had tits. My mighty mounds of mammary jiggled and bounced from the day they sprouted up from the pink spots on my chest. Jokes about getting black eyes when I ran and never being able to wear pretty bras scarred most of my adolescence.
It was when I reached my twenties that I discovered the treasure chest my genes provided and stopped trying to hide beneath baggy sweaters and loose tops. My cleavage opened up a whole new world and granted me powers beyond compare. V-neck tops revealing the shadow between the plump flesh caused men to become fools in my presence. I no longer existed from the neck up and as long as I was overflowing out of some sexy top I always had a man in line to talk to me.
My husband fell under the spell of my magical melons and always raved about how beautiful my breasts were. The pleasure it created for both of us as he squeezed and tugged and maybe even bit once in a while made life every exciting. I felt full and content as I watched him collapse and quickly fall asleep with his head on my chest, face looking up at me with admiration and a smirk of child-like satisfaction.
That same expression was mirrored a short time later in my daughter. She was a natural nurser only 15 minutes out of the womb. Her latch was strong and I was her link to this new world. I had great plans to breastfeed my baby and was horrified the day my milk came in and my beautiful, sexy chest quickly became God’s milk bottles. They went from being something nice to look at to performing a latent biological function. I cried as my in-laws cowered in terror at seeing the silky skin fill my baby’s little mouth.
My bust line increased several more inches (and ounces) and after the initial shock and engorgement leveled off, I grew to love my breasts again. I could nourish my daughter anytime and anywhere and the best part was that my husband loved the packaging his daughter’s milk came in. My lady lumps have now taken on the name “na-nas” by my little girl and when I walk into our bedroom and she watches me dress, I surge at that look of familiar, genuine admiration, knowing I don’t really exist from the neck up at this point, but gratified that some day she will run to my arms and I can press her head to my hooters and reminisce at my once soft sexy breasts having become sallow saggy sacks of skin.

My Baby is 9 Months Old

I'm trying to mellow out this evening after a few long and hectic days. My in-laws are visiting from Kansas. Madeline was dedicated on Sunday at a beautiful lakeside service. It was very meaningful and we were pleased to have both sets of Madeline's grandparents and my 2 sisters there. The pastor that married Justin and I performed Maddy's dedication. It was a real reminder what a responsibility we have as Christian parents. Encouraging and protecting Madeline's identity as a child of God and helping her to become the woman He intends her to be is an amazing honor and tremendous realization that we can only do so with God's help. I'm way too human to do anything that fantastic.

Somewhat unrelated to any of that, I just read this article that made me feel a little more comfortable with my thoughts and unsettled feelings of being a woman/mother. It makes me want to get back into writing like I used to. I used to do a lot of things I don't do anymore. I supposed that's part of growing up?

The bridge collapse. I'm shocked and baffled at such a tragedy so close to home.

My mom called today and said cousin Ryan's brain cancer has returned, but spinal cancer is gone. He turns 17 years old on Friday. Not fair. Makes my moaning and groaning about identity and crap seem petty.

Justin and I took 2 of our elderly neighbor ladies to see the Michael Moore movie "Sicko" today while Justin's parents babysat Madeline. Interesting. Manipulative. Sad. Shocking. Beyond my scope of experience/comprehension.

Justin gets to go on an afternoon lake cruise with his co-workers tomorrow afternoon. I'm a little envious because most of the people in his office are our friends and my favorite people, as I used to work in the same office only a year ago. They may go out for more drinks afterwards, so it's possible I could participate in some socializing later tomorrow evening. Madeline and I are taking Ana out to lunch with Justin's parents tomorrow so they can meet her. It is her birthday today and she had didn't work. I need to "prepare" her for a few things before we go.

It's late and I should try to sleep while I can.

August 1, 2007

All of the cliche lines come to mind: "How time flies!" "Where does the time go?" yadda yadda yadda.

It has been a wacky week so far and all I want to do is go to sleep on this gloomy and rainy day.

Madeline is sitting her booster seat, throwing Cheerios on the floor, and watching Sesame Street between cries to be free from the confines of her tray. I haven't really slept in a few days. She's been teething and running a temp the last couple days and is frequently inconsolable. Work is super busy but I haven't been able to do any of it. Yesterday our nanny was taking Maddy out to meet a friend for lunch (a friend of Ana's, not Maddy's). After she put Madeline in the car she passed out and hit her head (hard) on her car door. When she came to (I think just a moment later), she managed to carry Madeline back to our home and find me. Ana was a mess and her head looked horrible. We loaded her up and went to the emergency room. It ends up she was dehydrated and because of the high heat index lately it was all too much for her. She was given a few liters of fluid and will be back here today (as far as I know).

I'd really like to hear from other mom's out there. Am I the only one struggling with identity? Have other women experienced this? It seems the only parts of me that matter are my boobs (for nursing Madeline) and my vagina (duh). I'm not sure how to explain all of this, especially with a whining baby next to me. I can never have a complete thought anymore.

Ok, Madeline, you win again.

Lillich out.

My babygirl is 7months old!

She is eating actual people food (this picture was during dinner last night) and is working on pushing her 3rd tooth through!

She is crazy and fast becoming her own person. Even though I love her, I am quite certain we are not having more kids! I don't know how people with big families do it!

Happy Father's Day!!

We just returned from a visit to Kansas for a family reunion. It was my first time meeting a lot of Justin's extended family---WOW!

We are finally settled in our new place and did interviews for a nanny and found this amazing girl. We had to let our first sitter go and are so fortunate to have found Ana. Madeline is crazy about her and I think the feeling is mutual.

Maddie is just about 7 months old and is gradually working her way up the food pyramid. She still loves to nurse so I haven't been able to really get any rest yet. One of these days I'll get a good nap in (or something).

I hope ya'll are well and I'd love to hear from you.

Happy May Day everyone.
Justin and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary yesterday by going out to dinner with the baby. We really need to find an evening babysitter now that Madeline is 2 weeks shy of her 6 month birthday. She got her first tooth last week and started rice cereal once a day. She gets a little better at that everyday--mostly it rolls around in her mouth and slides out.

I start doing some really part-time work this month--today actually but the babysitter we hired for 15 day hours a week is sick. I'm dying to feel like something other than a milk machine. I hope Maddy takes to the cereal soon and gradually works her way to veggies etc. I've been glad to give her the best advantage by breastfeeding exclusively but it is wearing on me. I can't wait until her contentment isn't my sole responsibility. When she is no longer breastfeeding and gets cranky I can walk away and let Justin deal with it like everyone has done to me for the last 6 months--always assuming she must be hungry so get her on the boob!

My parents visited this last weekend and Justin's parents will be arriving Thursday from Kansas. I'm always amazed at the things these people (BOTH of our parents) say and do with regards to baby and parenting.

It's 3:30 pm and time to grab cranky babe and go check the mail. What an exciting life we lead!

I turned 30 years old today.
For some reason I imagined it would be a more exciting event. I suppose once you are a mother--more specifically a breastfeeding mother, things don't get all that out of the ordinary, even for your birthday.

Husband gave me the most thoughtful gift he has ever come up with. I like things that take time and thought. It makes me feel like I matter a little bit.

Some photos to update husband--you know the story honey.

What do you do with the realization that you don't matter to the person you love the most?

He says I matter but that's about as far as it ever goes--words. After this long I don't take much stock in words anymore. I get tired of being told one thing and actions and life prove exactly the opposite.

What is it about me that makes him not want to pursue me or romance me with the little things anymore (or ever really)?

Baby and I have been staying at my parents' because husband is in Arizona for work and I go back and forth between feeling hurt and angry that he hasn't done anything to let me know he thinks about us when he's gone; I then get mad at myself for expecting/hoping for anything because if he doesn't care to do something for me why should I be pissy about it?

I remember when I used to travel for work a lot knowing that it was the little things that matter.

He could even enlist the help of the family I'm staying with! I've been wanting to get my haircut for about 4 months now and dying for a tanning session to help through the winter blahs. Maybe call my mom and help schedule an appointment at a salon here and arrange for them to babysit Madeline. How fucking hard is this? I don't expect diamonds and weekend trips!
Do something that you haven't done before ( words and flowers).

We always said our marriage would be different than everyone elses. We'd have lots of sex and romance eachother--always remember the little things mattered. I think I'm the one that wanted that bad enough to get off my ass and DO something about it, rather than sit and think about it and feel bad but never go further than that.

What can I do differently? What IS it about ME that makes me unloveable like that?

The face of the fried mommy and her perfect baby.

Sharing some of Madeline's 3 month photos I had taken a couple weeks ago:

Burn out!

As I type this I'm holding a FINALLY sleeping baby. I have been trying to get some housework done all morning and she just kept "yelling" at me. I'd get on the floor and coo at her in the walker and she'd come to life, smiling and melting my heart. I'd walk away for 5 seconds to try to finish dishes-----AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I have cabin fever. My vehicle is buried in snow and I'm caring for the baby all alone so I've been trying to exercise when she sleeps or is content in a lost attempt to gain some sanity. Often I end up having to put her in the sling and take her on the treadmill with me--which ends up being half the workout I would normally get. Today I was dying to do some FIRM so I get Madeline all cozy after the stress of the morning and start sweating. My heart rate is just getting going and the phone rings---pause workout and check caller ID, not for me, continue workout. I get back into it and Madeline spit out her pacifier and is yelling---pause workout and spout baby talk for 30 seconds to quiet her down, continue workout. Get out the weights for bicep curl portion of video and phone rings again---pause workout and check caller ID, it's my cousin, let it ring and continue workout. Madeline yells some more for another pause, continue workout and the fucking phone rings---pause AGAIN and check caller ID, it's husband. I was rude and snotty and feel mad at myself for not feeling guilty. So I continue workout and this time just let Madeline yell even as it escalates into actual crying and then even screaming. I don't do a fucking thing for myself ever and nobody helps me do anything and I'm determined to get this good workout in.

I skip the cooling down portion and pick her up and she stops crying immediately and I say I'm sorry for letting her be unhappy. I should note that she had just been changed and fed before the workout and she was in the same room as me the entire time so I wasn't neglecting her.
After she was calmed down I held her while I put dishes away and finished cleaning the kitchen.

Now she's asleep in my arms and I could use a shower but figure I'll wait a while for that.

I just wish I had some sort of my own identity left. All I am is a mom and sometimes a wife when I get tired of a sexless marriage and initiate it myself. Who is Stacey and where the hell did she go? It's not that I want less time with Maddy, I just wish I had MORE of other things.

I feel like quitting trying so hard at everything because it doesn't matter anyway. The more I give the more I hope to get something in return and end up disappointed. I often tell myself to quit having expectations or hopes because then whatever happens is automatically going to be better than what I imagined. Maybe I should subscribe to that theory again--as a survival tactic.

Screw ya'll right now.

My little snow baby is perfect!

Last week Madeline had her 2 month check-up with the pediatrician (that spelling doesn't look correct to me). She will be 11 weeks old this Thursday.
Maddy is a giant! She has grown 3 1/2 inches and weighs 14.2 lbs. It is so exciting to see her change almost overnight.

She and I are at uncle Mike's--just finished doing all of the cleaning. Tomorrow is normally the day we would come but since we have plans to go to the Timberwolves' game tomorrow night I thought it might be better to clean today. Ben and Kristine are babysitting for us and hopefully she is a gem. I am hesitant because we tried to give her a bottle with pumped breast milk this Saturday when we were at Travis's and she freaked out. I'm hoping the problem was that I tried to offer her the bottle first. I've read that the breastfeeding mom is usually not very successful in giving baby a bottle. Babies are smarter than we think!
Justin is going to try to give her a bottle with pumped milk tonight and I'll step out for a while and HOPEFULLY she takes it. If not, we may end up leaving the game early tomorrow night--which wouldn't be the end of the world.

We got a great deal on the tickets. Jesse's friend Nick has season tickets so there will be 4 of us going. It's supposed to be super cold though---I'm not excited about that part. I know we've been very fortunate to have a mild winter, but I don't like that on a busy week for us (there aren't many of those) that it has to be shitty out.

The next few months hold a lot of changes in our household and I'm excited/nervous/scared. I'll update about the details very soon.

I hope everyone is well. We are heading to Wadena this weekend--should be interesting. I'm looking forward to the heat of the wood stove!

I feel the need to share that in the last few months I have forged a new found friendship with my brother. Jesse is not only a great guy, but such a nice person to talk to. We laugh a lot and talk on the phone almost every day. Yes, yes!
He and I have always gotten along well and shared a strange sense of humor but I really appreciate him lately and am so glad to have grown closer as we get older. He is a superstar!

Time to feed and change baby and head home.
Stay warm!!

Here's a couple more. This is Justin. I took these of the two most beautiful women I know. I'm not biased, just proud.

This is a new picture of my daughter. She's two months old now! I knew I would love her, but I never dreamed I would like her as much as I do! She has the best personality. I think she takes after me...

I don't know where time goes. I hate it when people say that, but it's the truth.

Madeline is 7 weeks old tomorrow and I don't remember life without her. I had my 6 week follow-up appointment with the surgeon last Thursday before we left for Kansas and everything appears to be fine. I am back on the pill and absolutely terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again anytime soon.

I have a dream baby and am fortunate enough to be able to stay at home full-time so far (aside from cleaning for my uncle which doesn't really count). It's been a test of my ability to trust in every sense of the word and be reliant on someone else to provide for my and Maddie's well-being. I've always been used to taking care of everything and been accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that has been an enormous adjustment the last few weeks and I'm nowhere near comfortable with the situation.

Breastfeeding has been one of my favorite things about having a baby, maybe because it's one of the few tangible things I am solely providing for my daughter. I love the content sounds and expressions she makes after pulling her chubby little face away and then looks up at me to smile (or barf all over my thigh).

My relationship with Justin has probably taken the most stress in all of this baby arrival business. I don't think either of us were prepared for that and sometimes I don't know exactly what to do or what I feel/think about it all. Maybe if I journaled on it or something. I don't have any good friends to talk about the thoughts and feelings of the last few weeks and admit here to being extra lonely.
I joined MOMS Club in Shakopee but so far have been met with social retards who have sick and bratty kids. It makes me appreciate my life experience and education, but sometimes wish I could be so ignorant.

I thought by moving down here that I'd be able to spend more time talking and seeing my college friends; I think I saw them more when I lived up North. I put forth a lot of effort when we first got settled in and then realized it was a one-way street and that I was the one setting up dinners or lunch dates or making phone calls to chat and when I stopped doing it----nothing. I haven't really heard from anyone since. Maybe I AM the social retard and don't know it. Is that possible? I think the most disappointing were my friends Jessica and Rhiannon. The rest of my friends are male and while I'm frustrated with them, I really didn't expect much more from them. The girls--different story, especially during my pregnancy when I could have really used girl time. Justin got an e-mail the other day from Jessica asking if we had the baby and then mentioning that she and her husband are now pregnant and they want to get together. Fuck that. I know it's immature and childish of me to feel that way but I'm so sick of everyone being such assholes.

People are always too busy or lazy or whatever the excuse is.

My 5 minute warning on the library computer just popped up. My heavy boobs are also letting me know it's time to get home to feed the baby. My sister is visiting and was nice enough to let me out of my cage. Thanks Sarah!

I hope everyone is well and has a very safe and Happy New year!

Three weeks ago today I checked into the hospital and by this time of morning was being pumped full of pitocin and various other fluids. It was without a doubt the longest day of my life. About 16 hours from now Madeline will be 3 weeks old!

The time has flown by and other than being WAY bloated for about a week after surgery and stuff (I ended up having to deliver c-section--for another post) I have had a miracle recovery. I made myself get out of bed and walk around 4 hours after coming out of post-op. I hate hospitals and even more dislike being hooked up to monitors and tubes and crap.

I've been walking since the day after we got home from the hospital and attending Stretch N' Stroll at Burnsville Center (fitness for moms put on by Lifetime Fitness) and today started doing housekeeping for my uncle (4 hours). I'm at his house now. I just took a lil break to breastfeed my babe and have a piece of toast. I've lost 30 lbs since my return home and now look forward to having more intensive workouts once my 6 week recovery period is complete and I have the doctor's ok. I go for my 6 week check a few days after Christmas (before we head to Kansas to bring in the New Year).

I just checked out the photo album for updated photos that Justin uploaded and am not exactly thrilled at some of my most bloated photos being there. Ah well, it's one of the joys of initial motherhood (or something).

My sister is coming down this Saturday to babysit so we can go to Justin's office Christmas party in St. Paul. I'm nervous and excited to be around other grown humans. My "outings" have consisted of walks with the baby and church on Sunday. It may be a long winter.

Ok, Maddy is telling me to get back to work!

I'll update again soon!

  

A picture of the most beautiful little baby in the world! This is Madeline, born 11/16/06 at 3:04am!!!

Pregnant Pause?

Well, mother nature is napping I guess. Baby Madeline is healthy and happy as hell tearing it up inside my belly. The ultrasound and stress test last week all showed perfect insides and all that "neat" stuff and today I had another baby stress test and she is still quite content where she's at. I'm finally scheduled for induction this Wednesday morning at 7:30. Maybe I'll get lucky and these contractions I've been continuing to have will develop into full-blown labor before then, rather than just practice labor. Today I was dilated to between 2-3 cm and baby's head is still down where it should be.

I'm very scared now and wish I could rethink this whole deal.

Brief update on yesterday's appointment: everything looks fantastic and baby is super duper low, all I have to do is go into labor and she'll come out (I hope it's THAT simple!). The midwife was able to touch Maddy's head with no problem when she examined me (freaky!).

If I don't have her by beginning of next week I have to go in for another ultrasound and stress test for baby and determine from there what happens next. If the placenta has begun to deteriorate then it will require induction or possible c-section. If not, we may be able to wait on mother nature a little while longer.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not the best at this waiting game, especially when I'm not working during the day. Pray for us!

We are at my uncle's doing some updating to Justin's laptop and throwing some photos in an album Justin created. Let's give this a shot!

I'm done working and my due date 10/26 has come and gone and the monster child is still raising hell inside of me. I have another appointment with my midwife tomorrow and my doula is scheduled to be out of town tomorrow through Sunday so we have a back-up in case Madeline struts her stuff before Sunday. Of course I want her to come NOW, but I'm not super crazy about the possibility of having a doula we haven't met. I'll probably touch base with her this afternoon in case something happens tomorrow morning.

We have fun pictures of pregnant me that we'll try to post some night from my uncle's house. It's a bummer not having internet at home, but totally something we can live without while we figure out a budget with a baby and one income.

Justin dressed as superman today and had to shave his facial hair to get into character. He looked like a little boy. It freaked me out a little.

Anyone have any big ideas on how to induce labor? I've been walking, squatting, lunging, riding the teater totter at the playground across the street, sex, nipple stimulation, basically everything except the castor oil someone suggested--no thanks. Justin had a dream that he woke up in the middle of the night and I was reaching up trying to pull the baby out myself. Hmmmm---he may be on to something there!

Still pregnant and still working full-time at erection central. The great thing is that they are on a nice tree-lined street down a few feet from Wooddale Church and I go for walks everyday during my lunch break. It is wonderful to clear my head and enjoy the fall weather.

We got rid of our doctor and switched to a midwife at the same clinic/hospital. I had my first appt. with them on Wednesday and it went super well. Her nurse was the greatest woman ever and had the doctor had a nurse like that I may have felt better about things. I had only gained 2# during the 2 week period since my last visit so I was happy about that. I discussed weight with midwife and she didn't understand why I was bringing it up in the first place because I have basically maintained the entire pregnancy. Go figure.

She ordered another ultra-sound since the baby's arrival is so sketchy in my records and if the baby is as big as the previous doctor thinks she is wondering if I would perhaps consider an elective c-section. Yuck. SO, tomorrow while husband is in Buffalo playing paintball with fellas I'm going to go to the hospital for yet another picture of Madeline and see what's up in there.

Other than being SUPER tired because of horrible night-sleep I feel fabulous. Justin and I rode our bikes over to my uncle's last night for him to bring up north for storage this weekend. We then walked back home and other than a gigantic fight on the way back I felt good physically.

Sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't be working right now, so I can be resting up for labor/delivery, but I don't sit still well. The only comfortable position for me lately is standing or walking. Sitting and laying down stink. At least at work my mind is kept busy--sort of. I know they are glad to have my help here and it is nice to have the extra money to take care of some things and do some fun things with husband before Maddy gets here.

I'm feeling sort of lonely and wish I had some friends down here that were interested in discussing pregnancy or doing things like going for a walk or just sitting and drinking water.

Time to jet. I'm taking Justin to see a movie and pepper him with kisses before I tuck him into bed. He is meeting the fellas in Eden Prairie at 6:30 tomorrow mornin'. That's pure insanity. I"m glad he's going though.

Today Justin said that I'm never happy with anything.
It felt like a slap in the face.
Part of me wishes he had done that instead.

I am so tired today I feel like I can barely function, but somehow was up later last night and earlier this morning with little struggle. Getting ready to go to Wadsville for the shower this weekend is more work than it's probably worth (no, I don't really mean that). It's just been such a hectic week that all I want to do is not see anyone or do anything.

Today is my last day of work in Shakopee and erection central wants me back full-time next week and THEN 3 days a week after that. While I was looking forward to a couple days of getting some stuff done around home next week the money will be nice and it's only 2 more days than I had planned. Next week isn't as jam-packed with stuff either--until childbirth class friday and saturday. Actually, now that I think of it, I think I have breastfeeding class on Tuesday night and Monday night my brother was going to come over....

There'll be plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead.

Ok, this is seriously a nutso day.
I ran home for lunch and just as I sat down to watch the Cosby's and eat my sandwich my mom called.
My cousin is pregnant with her 2nd illegitimate baby. Her first son just turned 4 I think and the daddy had been out of the picture for quite a while and now is back in Minnesota and apparently back in Jeanne's pants. To quote my grandma, "Doesn't show know how it happened the first time?"

Then there is my brother's response, "ARE YOU FRICKIN’ SERIOUS? How does Jeanne get pregnant more times in 4 years than I get laid! WHAT THE HELL!!!! CONDOMS!!!!!!! BIRTH CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s soooo much cheaper and easier than actually raising a kid!!! Lord!"

Oh so funny, but even more sad.

Then there was this friend that had a baby a year and a half ago and was engaged to be married this spring but they called the wedding off who just found out that this baby is not his. WOW! How do you make sense of that after 18mths of bonding with (and paying for) a kid you think is yours?

I'm glad my life isn't a talk show topic.

I just now realized that if I am 3 weeks further along, I could be having this baby in TWO weeks.

Oh MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

I miss my Bemidji doctor so much. If I weren't so far along in my pregnancy I would switch doctors at this new clinic. It just seems sort of pointless now. I've mostly resolved that I wouldn't use this guy again nor would I refer anyone to him.
I gained just over 4# since 2 weeks ago and after "discussing" that with him I felt like a failure. He kept saying that I shold only be gaining 1-1.5 lbs a week and that I was doing so well and now it's like I'm letting myself go. Excuse me! If I stuck with his average, I should have gained 2-3 lbs since my last visit and I gained 4. Do I suck that bad?
I was losing every visit for the first several months and then was staying the same and it's basically been just these 2 visits that I've gained anything. I felt like bawling because I was pretty freaked out after finding out I gained 5# at my last visit and really did make a concious effort to stick with eating at home and having lots of fresh fruits and vegs, my usual breakfast of kashi, fruit, and soy milk, snacks of apples and cucumbers and triscuits bla bla bla. Bastard.

THEN he pulls out some results from my ultrsound a couple weeks ago and says that the baby is measuring a fair amount larger than what my due date would suggest and that I could be 3 weeks further along than what he thought. He didn't seem concerned as the baby's heart rate and my blood pressure and everything are perfect; just that my weight gain is nutso I guess. So I scheduled a visit for 2 weeks and then once a week after that. Another ultrasound will also be ordered next time to see if they can more accurately gauge when this baby is going to make it's appearance.

I hate going to these appointments alone. I wish Justin's commute didn't have him quite so far away.

After I had one foot out of the clinic I collapsed into a pile of tears and sobbed my way to work.

This baby has NO idea what she's getting herself into.

Doctor again tomorrow so I get to come in to work a lil late. I worked full-time last week and this week for a company in Shakopee and it has caught up with me--I'm pooped. Plus we've been going nonstop for the last few weeks with family stuff and yadda yadda yadda. We are heading to Wadena after I get off work on Friday for baby shower on Saturday. Sunday we come back and are meeting with the woman I hope will be our doula.

Tonight my old friend, Rhiannon, is coming over for dinner. I haven't seen her in ages and it'll be great to give her a big hug.

Last night Justin and I did a ton of work around the apt and ended up going to bed not talking. He growled at me and I started crying. Tired + pregnancy hormones = no good. We are better today and laughing about it. He is participating in a men's group at our church that meets Tuesday mornings at 6:15. Today was the first day and he said it was a terrific way to start the day. I am so proud of him and it makes me feel good that he is spending time with other Christian men. He went to a men's group at our church in Bemidji a few times but said it was like attending a freak show and wouldn't go back.

My boobies started leaking the other day. This whole baby thing is really happening (like there was a doubt in my mind)! I'm almost a month away from my due date but have a feeling it's going to come early.

Old roommie Rick and his wife came over for dinner last Friday. It was nice to see them but sort of strange in a way I can't quite put my finger on. Maybe it has to do with baby or something. Not sure.

Saturday we had to take my godchild to his football game and then took him and his brother out for lunch. Their dad was busy helping set up for the benefit dinner for Ryan's cancer fundraiser deal in Hopkins. We went there for the evening and helped with that and visited with more friends we haven't seen for a long time. Stretch and Holly are due with baby around the same time we are, so it was fun to talk pregnancy with her.

Sunday we spent the day with my cousin Jayson and his wife and kids at their home in Rogers. They were fortunate to not have any damage to their home, however, their daycare provider's neighborhood 3 blocks away was a war zone. The police were checking vehicles as we entered the area and weren't going to let us in, but Jayson and Beth were in the vehicle in front of us and got them to let us through. Crrrrrazy!

I would give anything to have a day at home with my man where we don't have to go anywhere or see anyone or do anything. After this weekend in Wadena, the following weekend is childbirth classes. The weekend after that is my cousin's wedding back up North but we are 99% sure we are going to pass and stay home and finish up baby prep at home and get things winterized. The following weekend is another baby shower with Steinkopf family in Rogers and then the following weekend we are supposed to take my parents out for the night for my dad's birthday.

This baby needs to come NOW so I can have a break!

Almost time to go home for the day. Shutdown.

I've been so busy this week doing temp work for a company in Eden Prairie--they actually are a medical place that produces erectile dysfunction devices!!! How perfect for me. haha.

The marketing/pr guy didn't even have the decency to call me back. I take the time to go for 2 interviews and complete an "assignment" with little notice and this professional (yeah right) man couldn't find time in his busy day to call and tell me he decided to go another route. I'm fine with a company doing what's best for the company--that's what is expected and if I'm not what's best, that's totally ok. Why not extend the courtesy of some kind of contact? I was supposed to receive a call the Monday following my interviews. I waited until Wednesday because I thought maybe they would send a letter to avoid making a phone call, still nothing. I sent a brief and slightly snotty e-mail. I got a response later that day saying he had been so busy.

The erection company asked if I would be interested in doing some more part-time work for them after this week. I think that'll work out for now--getting some extra cash until Maddy arrives--stockpile for diapers and stuff!

I met with a body shop in Eden Prairie today and they asked if I would be interested in working for them as an estimator after the baby is born. We'll see what happens on that one.

Anyhoo, I'm at my aunt's for dinner tonight and relaxing, checking e-mail and stuff. It's really hot in here so I'm going to close for now.

I'm at the library ready to punch the man next to me for clearing his throat every 5 seconds!
Another doctor appointment completed this morning. Due date is now 10/26 and the results from my blood test were fine--no gestational diabetes and hemoglobin normal. Today I was up 1# and my blood pressure was a little low, protein and urine sugar are fine. I actually FEEL pregnant now and it kind of stinks--although as I type this I can simply look down at my belly and SEE the Maddy going crazy. I love that. I feel rather unattractive and like I'm in the early stages of the stomach flu, but all of the time. I've been trying to go walking daily and yesterday went for a bike ride. I imagine I looked sort of ridiculous, trying to balance my big ass and belly on what I call my "mom bike." It was nice to get the sun and fresh air.
Last weekend we went to the farmer's market in Burnsville and got some beautiful produce that I've been freezing and baking with this week. We strolled through the Art and all that Jazz festival. Artists are a strange group of folk. We checked out a new church this weekend and really enjoyed it. Last weekend we went to one in Shakopee that was not quite what we were looking for. We'll probably continue to go to this one for a few weeks and see how things go.
This weekend we have tickets to the St. Paul Saints for Saturday night as some work thing for Justin. I love outdoor baseball and am very excited. I think we're also going to go to the state fair. My sister won some tickets and is going to try to send them to us.
I wish we had internet at home so I could be posting some pictures on here of our new home, baby photos (ultra sound), me (big belly and boobs), husband. We are trying to watch the expenses until we know what exactly will fit in our budget. Neither of us are big internet junkies so it's not really a big sacrifice to not have it.
Time to wrap up. I have a few more things to take care of while I'm here.
Hugs and kisses to ya'll.

Brief update post as I'm on my way from the library to the doctor for some bloodwork: IT'S A GIRL! I had another ultrasound on Saturday morning to monitor the cyst on my ovary and Madeline M. Lillich let us have a brief view of her lil bottom area! It's so exciting!

I've been doing some temp. work in the area and had 2 interviews last week with a marketing/pr firm in Jordan. I'm supposed to find out today on that one. There is an awesome position that just opened up with the city of Shakopee for a Communications Coordinator that may be more up my alley than the Jordan thing, but whatever happens is fine with me. It's wonderful not to be under so much pressure although I still find myself busy as ever trying to get settled and things in order. The Kansas in-laws have been in town for the last 4 days so that slowed things down a little--'nuff said about that!

Anyway, I have to get across town to the lab. One of these days I will truly update and e-mail some of you. We don't have internet at home and I've only been here just about 2 weeks.

Bye for now.

I'm out of the insurance business!

Update to come later.

Yucka.
It's day one at the new office. I hate being the new person, especially in a job I've been doing for a year now and especially in a job a despise.

I spent most of the weekend camped out in our new recliner with my feet up. I felt like crap and was exhausted. It probably did me some good to drag my ass out for work today.

So I'm in this new office. When I walked in everyone started clapping. Apparently whenever ANYONE walks in everyone claps. If you go to lunch and come back: CLAP!
I hate lame office stuff like that. I found out today I have an interview for the position I applied for at our Burnsville Service Center Location. The most appealing thing about that job: no driving around looking at cars or dealing with body shops!!!

Justin and I have been talking and I think I'm going to move forward on applying for some part-time jobs close to home for the last few months of the pregnancy. Right now we are doubly insured medically through both of our employers and while it would be nice to have dual income for the next few months, it is not a necessity. So I was scoping out the Shakopee paper online this morning and there are a bunch of easy part-time/$12 hr jobs that I would be ecstatic to do until baby drops. I'm frazzled and would like to be able to spend some time actually enjoying my pregnancy!

Cross your fingers!

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

I was up early this morning deflating the air mattress and loading the last few things into my truck. This was our first home as husband and wife. Our baby was concieved here and there are so many memories associated with each room in the house.

When I got to the office this morning we were hit with hail claims in our territory. Apparently last night around 7pm golf ball size hail went through Mentor/Red Lake Falls. I used to love summer weather and storms. After working in insurance I dread the high pitched beeps on television and radio notifying people of pending warnings/watches. I dread rain and thunder and most of all HAIL. To most people hail the equivalent of winning the lottery. Money without your rates increasing!

Anyway, I got another baby gift this morning from Tara at work and a little going away gift. I'll be back next weekend for her wedding. I think that's part of the reason why I feel somewhat unphased by the fact that this is my last day here. I have agreed to work out of our Eagan branch for now and once the baby is born we'll see what happens. Only 3 months to go---90 days! Baby has been very active today and I feel appreciative for it. With work and packing and cleaning and dinners this week I've been feeling a little lonely. It is nice to feel close in the midst of chaos.

After work today I make the long/hot drive to Shakopee. I imagine this weekend will be pretty mellow with the heat and all. The farmer's market is my main goal.
Having this baby growing inside me is catching up with me today. I'm feeling really rundown and almost hungover. It's a good reason to lay around and keep cool.

If anyone actually reads this anymore--keep cool and hydrated.

I am taking a break from packing up my desk and finishing up some of my claims and have no idea how I feel about all of this change.

Crap, more work. Will update later maybe.

Another Friday Post

I had my last OB appointment with my doc in Bemidji today. Kinda sad. He and his nurse were amazing and I would have loved to delivered with them. I meet doc #2 on August 11th.

I'm now ending my 6th month of pregnancy and am still feeling wonderfully! I had been losing a few pounds each month, totalling about 17#, but then this month gained 5. The doctor said he was starting to worry and then I started to freak a little. So, I'm glad to see the number rise just enough to shut him up. It's strange eating while pregnant because every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth I imagine if the baby were sitting next to me at the table and placing the food in the baby's mouth. Ridiculous, I know.

Today's appointment went very well--got to have an ultrasound and verify baby has 2 arms and 2 legs and is growing right on schedule! The little tyke wouldn't position itself so we could see if it was a boy or girl. Ah well, it's healthy and that's all that matters. Maddy/Mason will make her/his arrival when they are ready.

Unfortunately, my ultrasound revealed a cyst on my ovary a bit larger than a golf ball. There is nothing that can be done while I'm pregnant so we'll deal with that in a few months.

Two more weeks left in the Bemidji office and then I depart to live with my husband again! Speaking of the sexy man--he is in town and ready to take me home and ravish my pregnant body!

Keep cool ya'll!

I am so glad it is Friday. I get to spend the weekend with my husband in Wadena. He is enjoying is job at the National Arbitration Forum and I am so proud of him!

We had big drama with the apartment we thought we wanted in St. Louis Park and now are going to be living in Shakopee which changes things as far as my job goes--kind of. We had our deposit down and everything was fine and dandy until we found out they changed their mind about pro-rating the rent for 1/2 mth of June AND would not give Justin a single key until we could both be there to sign the lease. All of this after we confirmed 42,000 times that I would not be down there for a few weeks/months and that they would indeed pro-rate the month of June--otherwise Justin was going to wait until July 1 to move in. It was impossible for me to get there to sign any papers of any kind. Long story even longer, we are out $400 deposit and moving to Shakopee July 1.

I'm relieved somewhat because I lived in Shakopee several years ago after high school and before college and loved it--small town feel but so close to the luxury of the city. My uncle lives there as well and it will be so nice to be close to help him out with his kids, especially Ryan once he starts his 2nd round of chemotherapy in a few weeks.

The downfall is that I found out today there is another position in Roseville that is basically mine if I want it (I didn't get the casualty rep position). It's a shitty commute that I would only consider if it was a job I absolutely loved--even then I might hesitate. I in no way love or even like my current job and don't think it's worthy of a drive like that. I suppose I could suck it up until baby is born but realllly don't want to. Husband is half-understanding of it but is afraid nothing else would be available for me closer to Shakopee. If we were staying in Bemidji I would agree fully, but we are going to the other end of the earth basically.

I just want to have a normal life someday soon! Preferrably one that does not include cars, body shops, or injured people.

Missouri=Misery

I was able to return from CAT duty a week early and am thrilled to be back in Minnesota. My flight came in around 9pm on Saturday and seeing the Minneapolis skyline has never made me happier.

Returning to the office here after only 1 day off didn't bother me so much. Even though it was extremely busy today I am ecstatic to do what I'm good at in an area where I excel and people encourage my growth and development. How much I've taken that for granted!

I have my phone interview tomorrow afternoon for the casualty rep position in Roseville and am a little nervous. I don't have a real passion to get this position--it's more of a means to an end I guess. Justin signed papers last week on our apartment in St. Louis Park and our house here isn't familiar any longer. We have 90% of our belongings packed up and in the garage awaiting U-haul day.

The next couple months I will probably be still working in the Bemidji office and living in our current house--courtesy Progressive Insurance. I'm glad that I can be here to assist during our busiest time and make the transition easier for everyone.

This time away made me appreciate my job, my life, MY HUSBAND! He came through for me when I needed him the most and I can't explain the new light I'm seeing him in. I'm very pleased and proud to be his wife! He is going to be the greatest daddy ever and sharing the blessing of our pending arrival has me glowing (finally!).

I'm starting to show and have reached 5 months and all is well. I have my next doctor's appt next Wednesday and look forward to hearing that heart beat again. I am so unworthy of all of these wonderful things and people in my life. Why does it take a week of hell in a different state to make me realize such a thing? Whatever the answer is, I'm glad all the same.

Wacky! Crazy!

My head is spinning from so much activity.

Justin accepted a job offer from the National Arbitration Forum in St. Louis Park and starts June 12! Congrats bear! I was supposed to have an interview for the casualty representative position in Roseville next week but was informed yesterday that I am being deployed for CAT duty in Jefferson City, MO. Blah.
I was supposed to fly out today (less than 24 hour notice), but because of the holiday was told to fly out on Monday instead & report early Tuesday morning. I got the last seat on the last flight out of Bemidji on Monday and won't get into St. Louis until late and then have to drive a little over 2 hrs to Jefferson City.

On the sunny side: I get paid lots of extra money for the next 2 weeks and have a little change of scenery from the same old stuff up North.

Today my manager offered to pay my rent for the next few months for me to keep working here until I find something in the twin cities with the company or elsewhere. It's a great compliment and a nice offer because of the little one fast growing inside me. The longer I can keep making money and have my insurance--the better.

It will be nice to be closer to friends and other places and activities we enjoy. Bemidji has been good to us for the most part and is always changing and growing, but is a difficult place to be starting careers and a family.

Goal #1: Find a place to live!

If anyone has any ideas/suggestions, please let me know!

Husband completed defending his thesis and walked through commencement on Friday afternoon. The weather was shitty and I was stuck entertaining both of our families in our home. I'm proud of him.

He is in Minneapolis tonight preparing for 2 job interviews down there tomorrow. I'm nervous/excited for him. I get a bit scared thinking about all of the change this would bring about: new home, hopeful job transfer for me (at least until the baby is born for insurance reasons), finding a new ob/gyn--this is what is pretty terrifying to me actually. I love my doctor and was bummed that the clinic she is at does not handle prenatal care, so I was referred to an ob/gyn. I was all freaked out and now couldn't be happier with the relationship I've developed with him and his nurse. Can I possibly be that lucky again?

I received my very first mother's day card this year! My mom made me cry by surprising me with it on Friday night. I am so glad to have her. Husband's family was also here from Kansas for his graduation. That may be for another post on some secret blog that husband won't know about. haha. I always feel like crap about myself after being around them. They take Justin shopping and buy him anything he glances at, take him for a haircut and pay for it, give him money and tell him over and over how wonderful he is and how proud they are of him. Those are fine things I suppose, but then I barely get a nod and a second glance the entire time they are here. I busted my ass getting everything ready for Justin's graduation party and worked all f'ing week besides (overtime so I could have Friday off for graduation) without any help from Justin or any of his family. I'm also carrying their friggen grandchild and have basically raised their son because they didn't teach him a fucking thing about real life and being a damn grown up!

Why the hell do I care what they think about me? Why do I care that they treat me like such shit? I feel like a nasty slave that their son brought home and they are disappointed. Justin always treats me differently when they are around as well and so the effect carries on for a few days even after they leave.

Justin's dad died when he was a little boy and whenever I'm feeling shitty around his parents I can't help but wonder what things would be like if he were still alive and the "step dad" weren't around. I've heard how wonderful his dad was and how everybody loved him. Crazy how his mom could go from one extreme to the other.

It's been a bit of a lonely day here and I'm plagued by bitterness--that's nothing new, eh?

I'm ready to be done being the one who carries our household. There is so much pressure in that role, especially when a baby is on the way. Why doesn't anyone else understand that? If they do understand, why don't they help me try to do something about it?

Nearing the end of my twenty-something era I feel very strange. Tomorrow is my 29th birthday and it's mind-boggling for me to think that when I turn 30 I'll be a mom. Me? A mom?? What are we thinking? I'm about to to begin my 2nd trimester of pregnancy and so far haven't been "glowing" or felt any surge of joy or anything remotely close. I feel scared and a little mad at myself for thinking this could be the "right time" for us to move forward with starting a family.

Our first wedding anniversary is in about a week and a half and I feel pride at having not only survived, but mostly enjoyed the past year. Everyone always says that the first year is the worst and if you can survive that, you'll be ok. I don't know if that's any advice to live by, but it gives me hope.

I called on one of my choice teaching jobs today and was informed they are in the final selection stage and will be calling the chosen candidates for interviews and sending the rest letters. I've been getting so many letters I could cry. I have cried.

I do that quite a bit lately.

Beyond Forgiveness?

Sometimes we make poor choices in life. I never really thought that anything would qualify is "unforgivable." I used to work with young adults with developmental disabilities. From the moment I met these new friends to the moment I quit working at their house, I loved it. It was all of the bullshit that I got tired of. People in the human services field are always trying to justify their existence by pushing paper and programs and make the people who actually do the "work" feel like they are less than worthy of fair and reasonable treatment.

I tried to be part of the solution for a very long time and nothing ever changed. I gave up a lot in my life for these people and was that ever recognized? Working countless new year's eve, coming back early from my own family Christmas, filling in when everyone else would shit on me and my friends. I was always there. Why was my loyalty being challenged by some woman who walks in and thinks she knows everything? Why was I, who have known these people and lived with them for years and felt like I would give everything for them, treated like such crap? How long was I supposed to tolerate treatment like that? I wasn't the only one who went to management on multiple leves and the parent. My reasonableness was met with nothing other than a deaf ear.

Enough! It was the most difficult decision I had to make, but it was long overdue that I stood up for myself, since nobody else cared. I quit.

I felt like I abandoned my own children. I have regretted it since day one but was too stubborn and figured it was too late to do anything about it.

I recently sent an e-mail to the parent asking if she could consider forgiving me and stated that I miss the "kids" terribly.

Her response in a nutshell---I'm beyond forgiveness and it would be horrible for the kids to have contact with me.

Why do I feel like a child molester? It's quite an enormous amount of power I allowed her and I wonder what makes me think she's worthy of such a thing? I was always so desperate for her approval and again question why?

It's quite sad really. I hear things through the grapevine about the current state of their house and the people that work there and condition of the "kids" when others have seen them in public and wonder how everyone in "power" there feels things are now. I guess if you have a staff of regular drug users you are able to better control them. I would question at what expense?

Why do I automatically think that I am the one that needs to be asking for forgiveness anyway?

Sad.

I am sad today.

I walked to work today so I could have time alone and cry.

Sad.

Blah!

I feel like crap the last couple days. My boobs hurt so bad! I feel like I have babies hanging from my nipples! The extreme stress of my job only makes everything worse. I have got to find something else---NOW! I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy under this much stress and imagine after I have the baby. To be quite honest, I'm scared. So many things will be changing in the coming months and adding a baby to it all makes it 1000 times more terrifying.

Dear God, please send some good news our way soon.

Through Pregnancy & Beyond

Today is the first day in my mere 6 weeks of pregnancy that I actually felt a little "different." It was more of an emotional thing than physical. I felt a bit of what I might call a hormonal surge (?) It first happened when I was on the treadmill this morning. I was doing some interval jog/walk routine and all of a sudden I felt like crying. Of course my mind was like, "what the hell is the matter with you?" I wasn't thinking about anything in particular--actually I was dwelling on the fact that I want to stay very active throughout my pregnancy because I am mortified at the thought of gaining much weight because I'm already bigger than I should be (pregnant or not). It wasn't something I was necessarily SAD about though. I talked myself out of it and then this morning I was at work and was moderately busy on the phone and trying to wrap up some claims when it happened again. This time I know I wasn't thinking about anything specific--just doing robotic duties at the office. I felt like at any moment I would burst into tears. I just kept quiet and did my work.

I'm a great worker, but usually it's out of character for me to be so quiet and to myself where I work. We are a social group of folks here and our bitch of a manager is on vacation until March 20th, so we are free to converse (while working our asses off by the way). Well, I walked over to Rich's desk to ask a question about a claim and he says, "Hey Lillich, you're pretty stuck up over in your corner."

I got choked up and MADE myself hold it back and throw back some smart ass remark without turning around so he could see my eyes.

How PATHETIC!

I'll admit to being sensitive & emotional sometimes with certain people (husband mostly). NEVER ever to this extent. It's interesting to see what the next 8-9 months hold for me (us).

So far no cravings or morning sickness or anything like that. I've been continuing to get up every morning and exercise for at least 45 minutes (The Firm aerobics & treadmill on alternating days). I think the only thing I've noticed a changed tolerance for is garlic. I love garlic & cooking with it is one of my favorite things, but now it's quickly moving down my list of favorite smells. Yesterday I was going to have a piece of carrot cake after lunch and about 4 bites into it I felt like barfing. I hardly ever have anything with sugar, but carrot cake is one of my favorite sweets that I have maybe once every 6 months. I ended up throwing it away. Last night I tried to have some sugar free chocolate pudding and was gagging after a couple tastes of that as well.

Back to this weight business though. I'm a very health-concious individual. I have not always been that way though. I've spent the last several years doing a complete transformation and it is most certainly a lifestyle I am thrilled to continue and maintain for the rest of my existence. I still have work ahead of me to try to combat the years of not caring about my body. That's one of my regrets I suppose with the pregnancy is that I am not further ahead in my weight loss before becoming pregnant. I've been obsessively reading up on pregnancy nutrition and weight gain and also discussed with my nurse practitioner on Wednesday that I do not have to fulfill any nutritional needs right now. Of course I need to take my prenatal vitamins and other supplements but as far as increasing caloric intake--not necessary. My goal is to keep me weight gain to 15 pounds or less. Is that unrealistic? I don't think so. I've also been reading about pregnancy fitness and it appears I don't need to adjust my workouts at all, until the last month maybe. I need to be careful not to become too overheated and I'm obviously not going to go play back to back games of full court basketball, but there is no reason to change anything I've been doing!

That makes me extremely happy!

Now, if I can find a cure for sore boobies I'll be set!

I hope like hell this is my last winter in Bemidji! The other day we got totally dumped on! Husband took some photos of the aftermath. How many days until Spring arrives?

The other day after I had worked out, I was bored & wondered what I looked like if someone were "looking down" on me (yeah, don't ask why). It's easy enough to answer that question with a camera! I'm not a sick pervert or anything, just love to experiment with the camera and stuff! Deal with it.

So, BIG news. I took a couple home pregnancy tests this weekend and they were positive for baby in my belly! I had an appointment with my nurse practitioner yesterday & confirmed that indeed there is a little peanut growing inside of me and sometime late October/early November I will be dropping a human being from between my legs!

Holy Crap!

Feeling a little sneaky & playful!